I can always find someone

To say they sympathize

If I wear my heart out on my sleeve

But I don't want some pretty face

To tell me pretty lies

All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever heard

And mostly what I need from you

- Honesty by Billy Joel

Staycation at Changi Village

I mentioned in the previous post (that I wrote in a less candid style) that my family and I were on a staycation for the Christmas hols before Mom got admitted into the hospital. We were staying at the Village Changi Hotel for 3 days 2 nights for some quality family time, and to my great satisfaction I got to take plenty of pictures (kinda like striking off that resolution about going out to take pictures off that resolution list).

My sister Stacey and I headed to the hotel first ourselves on Tuesday since Dad and Mom were still working and could only join us at night that day. It was a beautiful hotel, but sadly I didn't take a picture of the room which was really cosy. Exhausted from taking the public transport all the way to Changi from our humble northwestern abode in Yew Tee, we just lounged on our beds watching The Lone Ranger on the television after checking into the two hotel rooms Stacey booked. When evening came, my sister suggested going down to walk, and she wanted to take me to where we could see the planes landing at the airport base.

Changi Village could be a kingdom of cats, because they were EVERYWHERE. It was like a sanctuary for them because unlike neighborhood cats you see these days that run at the sight of you, these cats seem really comfortable with people around. Just like how cat videos make people happy, I felt so pleased seeing so many cats around the area.

It was getting dark and the images were getting fuzzy, as you can see. If only you could see what I saw, because my photos (taken from my trusty iPhone) did not do justice to the great scenery I saw.

Dad and Mom met us at the Changi Village Hawker Centre after our walk and we had dinner together. The food there was amazing.

The next morning, we decided to abort the initial plan of going to Pulau Ubin since Mom was feeling poorly. We decided to head up to the roof of the hotel before going for breakfast and deciding our plans for the day.

After breakfast we decided to head to Changi Chapel Museum. I only got the photo of the entrance since no photography or videography was allowed inside. It stored artifacts from the WWII, and recounts from the prisoners of war and survivors. The funny thing was when I looked into the museum guestbook, a lot of tourists wrote "very sad" in the comments section. 

After the visit to the museum, we drove to Changi City Point for lunch and some shopping...window shopping really because we didn't buy anything save my sister who went and got a hair cut. The rest of the staycation was pretty much covered in the previous post, and hence our staycation ended on a pretty hasty note as we checked out in the wee hours of Christmas morning the next day, heading for the hospital.

I joked that Mom checked out of one place only to check into another. I feel quite worried for my Mom, who's now warded in SGH till next week. I'm sure she really wants to come back home with us. It must be awfully lonely to be spending your time in the ward with nurses fussing over you and the slightly putrid smell of sickness and sanitizer in the air. We left at 8 pm after giving Mom a hug, and she sighed about how lonely she'd be after we leave. I'm going to visit her again tomorrow evening with Dad, and I pray she feels much better.

Christmas at the A&E

As I begin to write, I'm sitting in the backseat of the family car, driving down the winding roads at the Singapore General Hospital compound. My sister at the wheel and my dad beside her. We make casual conversation and feeble jokes, but it just adds more to the bland and numb atmosphere that hangs all around us, complemented with the dull, lukewarm blue hue and dark shadows of the early Christmas morning, cold and desolate.

But really, we were all just trying to distract ourselves from the uneasiness, filling in for the absence of Mom. 

We were having a staycation at Changi Village for the Christmas holidays, but Mom's health was deteriorating as she frequently vomited, experienced chills and began running irregular bouts of high fever. On Christmas Eve we were to attend a church Christmas service in town, but because Mom was in no state to go, I stayed back at the hotel with her while my Dad and sister went on ahead. Mom kept apologising, but there really wasn't anything to apologise for.

Then at around 3 am in the morning I was roused awake to the distant voices of my family, and the blurry lamp lights. I was still too sleep-intoxicated to get up, so I just laid in the comfortable white sheets listening, as if it were all a dream. Mom's raspy voice, Dad and Stacey discussing over whether to check out now and bring Mom to the hospital, until one of the distant voices became clearer and my sister walked in to wake me up. Pack up, we're going to the A&E. 

It was a silent ride all the way to SGH, save for occasional inquiries over Mom's condition. We pulled into the A&E driveway and my sister took over the wheel to park the car as Dad and I got a wheelchair and wheeled Mom into the building. Since Mom was running a fever, she had to be taken to the Fever Zone and only one family member could accompany her. I waited in the waiting area as Dad gave me a nod of reassurance and wheeled Mom through the fogged glass sliding doors.

The A&E seemed like a set from a television drama, and the medics, hospital staff, policemen, patients were all the players. But this was real.

An expatriate with a bloodied bandage on his forehead was speaking in some sort of Dutch-sounding language to his male friend. A pair of policemen standing guard over their subject who had his legs bound with black strips. An Indian man with greying hair in a wheelchair looking all disorientated. A group of party-dressed teens with members suffering from a black eye and bandaged head talking loudly about some scuffle that had occurred earlier.

The Indian in the wheelchair suddenly started asking no one in particular in a slurred tone for water. I was holding onto an unopened bottle of mineral water and was contemplating if I should offer it to him, but my sister who had by then joined me stopped me and said the policemen and hospital staff will handle him.

He then turned to one of the police officers standing guard over the subject, threatening to throw his temper if they did not comply to his demands, to which the officer firmly retorted whether the Indian would take responsibility for him if the officer fails to watch over his subject.

 

A medic stormed into the waiting room and started scolding the Indian man in Malay, and from the heated exchange I found the reason why. Apparently this is the man's fourth visit to the A&E in a day because he went and got himself drunk all day. The medic accused the man for being "a waste of taxpayers' money" because he was unnecessarily depriving casualties out there who were probably in greater need of medical attention from getting an ambulance quickly. "If I could do something to you I definitely will", the medic threatened before storming off while the Indian man continued to mumble to himself. All of these scenes unfolded before me, and I could only keep my head down like a nun trying not to seem as though I was paying too much attention.

Dad updated us via the family Whatsapp group on the urine and blood tests they ran on Mom, and in the end the doctor diagnosed an infection that could have probably spread to her bloodstream and affected her liver, therefore requiring her to be warded for further close observation. It was around 7 am then, and we went to see Mom again who was resting in the holding room while the hospital located a hospital bed for her.

As we prepared to go home first before coming back in the late afternoon, Mom apologised again, and wished us Merry Christmas to which I joked "isn't so merry after all". 

Now, on further thought, I wondered why I was lying there in the hotel bed when I heard and understood that Mom's health wasn't getting better. It seemed as though I didn't want to believe it was true. I realised that these days as Mom retched and complained of aches and chills I had desperately wanted her to stop, naively thinking that she was over exaggerating her condition and telling her not to assume the worst. 

But I just didn't want to accept the possibility that her condition would be serious. I had wanted to believe that it was just a bout of cold or bad flu, and all would be fine after a few days of rest and medication. I didn't want to know that my parents aren't as healthy as they used to be and prepare for a future of them evidently walking a path of physical suffering and vulnerability to illnesses. I was too naive and afraid.

So now I'm at home and resting, and I think of how this Christmas won't be forgotten so easily having spent the early hours at the A&E waiting and worrying. I think of how I have to stop running away from reality into dreams so conveniently.

Straight Lines

I like straight lines.

They're clean, neat and reassuring. They are plain, straightforward and focused. 

Why can't decisions be the same? If only I lived in a utopian setting where everything is predetermined, and where everyone has a specific role to play, without having to worry about whether this option is good or another choice is better. 

I just want to get settled as quickly as possible. I just want to be content and stable. I don't care if someone else has it better than me. 

Bummer. Today I went for an interview for the job as a preschool assistant teacher at a newly opened school in Yio Chu Kang. For the past 2 weeks or so my family has been nagging at me to get out and get a job, so after making a call to an ad I saw in the classifieds this morning, I went for the interview. 

The job scope included assisting the teacher in the Montessori syllabus, helping with feeding and cleaning up, and observing the preschoolers' progress. The job also required commitment as it wouldn't be good if the children were to form an attachment to me and I were to quit halfway.

I was pretty much confident I could do it, plus the interviewer told me that I would most likely get the job, so I figured I had settled this already. 

However when I told my family the news, they advised me to reconsider and look for other jobs instead, raising their concerns over the pay (which I honestly felt was reasonable), and distance (but I've been travelling further distances to school for the past 2 years). I know my family members mean well, and I'm not mad at them. It's just that I really get so tired whenever people start to dissuade me on something when I'm pretty much resolute.

It's like me trying to draw a straight line and people around me are pointing out flaws and loopholes, and the line just isn't straight anymore. It peeves me so much. I just want to get things done and settled pronto. Not drag the time out dipping my digits into different places and contemplating which is the most superb domain for me. 

And the worst thing is that even though I could just blindside my family's influence and go ahead with the job, my initial resolution to take up the job has already been weakened, and I feel awful because during the interview I had acted so sure about being able to commit. 

Right now I just want to lock myself away from the world, pretend nothing ever happened and pretend I don't exist for a few days until maybe I could convince myself with the delusion that people wouldn't remember me as well. It's because I feel so awful now. I hate giving people false hope more than myself being given false hope. 

Why can't someone just make the decisions for me? I could be a Sim and some omniscient figure would be the one dictating what I do, who I meet, where I go.

Sigh. These days I've been feeling pretty vexed. I want to be alone more than ever. I've been having real foolish thoughts like how I'm fat ugly and uninteresting and no one would ever take notice of me. I'm a fool. A weak one. Where has that motivation to be stronger gone to? I feel like a complete loser. I may be wrong, but I pretty much blame interactions for how I'm feeling now. 

I know I'm huge. I know. There's no need to mince your words. Because I give myself a harder time than anyone else would. You don't have to laugh that forced laughter. Don't go through all that trouble because nothing will change. It's not like I will feel any better. You think I don't already know? I feel it more than any of you do. This crushing and crumbling self confidence I've worked so hard to build, to enable myself to laugh it off. 

I always think I'm not worthy of interaction, or people don't care. I run away a lot. Especially on Sundays when i follow my family to church. After every service I stiffen up, and avoid all eye contact with all the church people until I get into the lift and away from everyone. I always bring a book with me to read at Starbucks while waiting for my family to finish whatever duties or conversations they have before they come to get me. 

Those church people who always come up to me with their very bright smiles asking my name again even though I've been here for years (I don't blame them, I'm like a ghost) and inviting me to their gatherings and groups, being overly friendly. They are good people, but I can't help but think that Christians are obliged to keep up that impression of friendliness, of perfection, or holiness. I feel so wretched the more they reach out to me. I feel like I have to act that way too, smiling back my own bright smile, speaking just like they do. Are they not flawed humans like myself? 

At the end of everything, I feel more alone than ever. I feel as if everyone is ahead of me, and I'm here just struggling with my existence, wondering what's my purpose. I feel like I'm all ready to give up trying to be strong for myself and for others and just sink in loneliness, disappearing from people's minds, from the world. 

If I can't save myself, how can I even dare to dream about saving someone else? And who's there to save me? 

Extremes

This probably describes how I feel now. And you'll see why.

These couple of days I've been feeling emotions on extreme ends, and it's unbelievable that this is happening to me. I thought it'd only happen in manga plots or cliche shows.

So yesterday I had my peeps from VJ Guitar Ensemble EXCO over for a gathering, and we all had a blast (though it was a pity Phin couldn't join us due to her mom's gastritis). I was apprehensive about how the food would turn out two nights before, because while I've cooked pasta plenty of times, cooking for a group of 7-8 was different. Mom and I went grocery shopping the day before at Jems and we spent quite a bit because mom insisted on using the better quality ingredients.

I made carbonara and smoked salmon bruschetta, and was really pleased with how the taste turned out. My friends liked it too, and it's great that no one has complained of any case of food poisoning so far HAHA.

Ryan baked a chocolate cake, which we ate after watching Ouijia together with the red wine Bernard brought and juice that Gilbert and Juliana bought, and Phin's J.Co donuts (she met up with Ryan before he came over and passed him the torrented movies and donut - so nice!)

I was a little nervous about not having much to do over at my house, but my friends stayed late till 10 and it felt like it wasn't enough.

After lunch we watched Ouijia, which was really disappointing because of the cliche horror plots (and therefore lacking in the thrill element) and menial scares. Bernard and Juliana were the ones among us who were more easily scared, and I happened to be sitting right between them. And when this jumpscare came out the two of them screamed and grabbed at me WHICH SCARED ME WHAT THE HECK. But it was fun teasing Bernard about it haha.

After the cake and drinks, we played games on the PS3, taking turns to play Little Big Planet, Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, some soccer game etc. We were all surprised by Juliana who pretty much owned us all in the fighting games even though she's nicknamed the Princess for her very ladylike and gentle demeanor. It was so funny watching them play, and the red wine Bernard brought made me laugh myself silly. Mom and dad were really nice and bought chicken rice for dinner for all of us, and we had a great dinner before resuming the games.

In the last hour (around 9?) we had a heart to heart talk after Bernard gave us our Christmas presents and cards, and I thought to myself that it's just really nice to have friends whom you could talk with for long periods without getting sick. They left around 10, and I heard that they only reached home around 12 because they all live in the east. Now they know my pain MUAHAHA.

From top left clockwise: Yours truly, Princess Juju, Ryan, Bern, and Gillie

I guess life is all about balance isn't it? Because I've had so much fun yesterday, today seems to be payback time. Truth to be told, I don't think I ever had a day so unlucky before today. I have lived a good life.

The EXCO and I arranged to meet at the airport today to send off Bernard and Gilbert who were returning back to Jakarta. I woke up this morning feeling all great from yesterday, thinking that the day ahead would be awesome as well because it's the same company. But while the latter part is true, my day was kinda ruined mishap after mishap such that I was struggling so hard to keep my sanity.

I left the house on time at around 11.30am, and about 5 minutes into waiting for the bus, I realised that I had left my wallet at home, so I had to run back up and grab it. By the time I got downstairs I had missed the bus and the next bus was 7 minutes away. That was mishap 1. So I decided to make up for lost time by cabbing part way to Jurong East MRT station.

Mishap 2: The taxi driver took the long route even though he asked me which route I preferred. But it was too late for me to tell him otherwise and I kinda wasted my $11.50 on the ride which took longer than necessary. My head was throbbing because I just can't stand being late for anything and I get stressed when that happens.

When I boarded the train, I was panicking whether I would get there on time, and my head was hurting more than ever, so I decided to listen to some music on my earphones. I was grabbing my earphones from my bag and putting my wallet into it when I heard a heavy thud. The next thing I saw was my iPhone on the floor with a cracked screen. Mishap 3 for you. And all because I just happened to be standing on the part of the train where there's the metal flooring. Just. Perfect. Even now whenever I use my phone I'm constantly reminded over and over about what a horrible day today has been.

When I got out at City Hall, lo and behold there was bright sun...AND RAIN. The perfect weather for a disastrous day. It was 12.40pm and we were to meet at 1pm at Terminal 1. Sticking to my planned route of taking 36 to Changi would take about 40 min give and take. So under the horrible weather I ran back from the bus stop to the taxi stand and cabbed my way to the destination. 2 cab rides in a day.

Thankfully the cab driver this time drove pretty fast (maybe he saw my utterly ruined expression). On the way I was doling out "at least"s one after another, like "at least I brought some water out to drink and feel better" and "at least we are driving o my favourite high way", which shows how desperate I was to stop myself from snapping mentally and just losing it.

In the end, I was the earliest among all of us to reach. *slow claps*

"But at least I finally made it on time, and I'm in a nice airport, and maybe now that I'm the earliest I could sit in that nice seat and read my book while listening to some music."

Anyway Phin couldn't join us again since she was working, and there were other Victorians who were there to see off the other Indonesian scholars. We all took pictures and hung around to talk, hug, joke around etc. Gilbert's flight was first, so we saw him off first before going to Aston's to have lunch, the four of us - Bernard, Ryan, Juliana and yours truly.

And just when things were getting better with food and awesome company, mishap (I lost count) happened. The zip on my bag broke. So I had to go home at the end of everything from Changi to Yew Tee with a compartment of my backpack open for all to see. I'm surprised though that no one told me to zip up my bag. I could be a walking social experiment haha.

Writer's note : Mishap 1 million and 13 just happened - a gigantic roach flew into the house. Mom caught it. Thank goodness.

We had a great lunch and had more HTHT, until it was time to see Bernard off. I think probably the most disappointing thing today was the fact that two of my very good friends are flying back home. That's the equivalent of a million mishaps. Even though Jakarta is just an hour's flight away and we'd probably see them next year if they decide to collect their A Level results personally, I can't help but feel sad, knowing that they aren't on the same island, on the other side of the same island, at Victoria Hall. And that we won't be meeting up that often as an EXCO anymore.

I really miss you guys now, even the locals :'( Look at my tired face hahaha

Sigh. So here I am in front of the PC screen with a heavy and still throbbing head wondering how "lucky" I was to have undergone such an "eventful" day today. Seriously, don't days like these happen purely in fictional plots? Just yesterday I was having a blast and today I'm all exhausted with a phone that has a broken screen. How very extreme indeed.

Beginner

I love gazing at beautiful skies, especially skies that look like the one above - crystal clear and vivid blue, high and breath-taking. I heard that the skies in other countries where there are mountains are even higher than what we can see here. The sky is so wide and limitless, and I just want to defy gravity and fall into them. But sometimes there's the bitter aftertaste, when you know that things like beautiful skies don't last, and that you can't do anything about it because you can't control or you don't own the skies. You can only watch, and do nothing else about the feelings you have.

Skies like these are so refreshing to look at, and it empowers you so much. I need the strength to press on because now is only the beginning. I have a long road ahead of me, places to see, people to meet, emotions to discover.

Yesterday, I went to the SPH Scholarship talk with Iggy from high school, and I kinda cleared my growing doubts about trying out for the scholarship. These few weeks I had been thinking really hard whether I should still go ahead and apply because I'm also looking for jobs and most of the openings require at least 3 months of working with them. The scholarship selection process includes about 3-4 months of internship with the SPH, and thus I was caught in a dilemma of whether I should just stick to the plan of applying and interning or just wait to apply for the mid-term scholarship and get other jobs instead.

The talk gave me more insight into the job scope, and the editor Ignatius Low who was the speaker for the talk was really candid and informative. The job of a journalist doesn't reap much income compared to most jobs in the corporate or civil sector, but it is very rewarding in other ways. It won't be easy, but there's always the first steps of a beginner and from there on things can only get better. It's the perfect avenue for me to experience as many things as possible by going out there and observing and gathering stories. So yeap, I guess I would send in my application after all.

Iggy and I went to City Hall to get some llao llao for lunch after, and we had a lot of fun talking, mostly sharing and recommending good movies. It's really awesome because Iggy and I share the same interests in movie genres like indie and those arty farty types, and even Disney and Pixar movies! There's only a few friends whom I'd discuss movies with, so it's great that there's another who shares the same passion as myself.

I reached home around 3 to nap and then prepare to go to Tanglin Community Centre after dinner for a trial class of Jiujitsu. Last Saturday I had a class outing with my primary school friends, and I talked to Berlin about being interested in learning a type of martial art so he invited me to follow him yesterday to the dojo he practices at. Tanglin CC has all kinds of martial arts - Kendo, Aikido and wrestling etc. So I turned up in tracks because I don't have a Gi, and started my very first experience in the art of Jiujitsu.

We started off with a really really long and thorough warm-up session, followed by techniques in countering a grab and throwing or pinning your opponent down. It was really strenuous and halfway through I started seeing stars and becoming dazed hahaha. The biggest disappointment I felt was my inability to do a forward roll. I really couldn't bring myself to flip forward because I was afraid of going upside down even for a brief moment. Berlin was really nice and helped by manually lifting my legs and flipping me over (because I am horrible and I can't use my legs to propel myself forward).

Berlin's friend, Yuan Ning, was my partner for trying out the countering techniques, and she was really nice and cool as well. During the break I watched as Yuan Ning and Berlin practiced throwing each other and I was just stupefied in awe. I want to be as cool as that girl, I thought.
We ended the approximately 2 hour- long session with a Randori, which is a free sparring session where you and your opponent kneel back to back, and at the cue of the instructor, you turn around and try to pin your opponent down using groundwork techniques.

There were three rounds, and I was up against a boy way younger than me, a younger girl named Deborah and lastly Yuan Ning. I got mercilessly pinned by the younger boy after he countered my grab. Surprisingly for his small build he was pretty strong. The subsequent matches I was determined not to be pinned myself so I used all my strength and kept my female opponents down because I knew if they countered it would be hard for me to get out of a lock or pin. I attribute it to my lack of a gi and maybe my comparatively bigger build that I managed not to get pinned, because the collar and the sleeves of the gi makes it easier for the opponent to grab you and perform a counter.

Despite the intense session (mind you, this is just the beginner's class), I really had a lot of fun because I don't think I ever had the chance to be allowed to get physical with people, throwing and pinning them. The techniques taught are extremely useful in self-defense, so if I ever get attacked in future I would have a higher chance of escaping. I took a form from the instructor, but I'm still reconsidering if I should sign up for regular classes because I'm still pretty dazed from yesterday and still really bummed that I can't do a forward roll. Berlin said I would get better with practice, and should work hard on my own by doing cardio. I guess that means I've to put in more effort in the daily jogs as well. And practicing forward rolls on my bed. Ugh.

I've a long way to go in everything, and as a beginner I should be filled to the brim with motivation and energy. I hope the fighting spirit won't die down so easily.

Time-being

"It made me sad when I caught myself pretending that everybody out there in cyberspace cared about what I thought, when really nobody gives a shit."

"And when I multiplied that sad feeling by all the millions of people in their lonely little rooms, furiously writing and posting to their lonely little pages that nobody has time to read because they're all so busy writing and posting, it kind of broke my heart."

A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki

Today will be different. Instead of a picture I decided to quote from a book I'm currently reading.

It's true isn't it. You probably came here via that little link you saw somewhere out of curiosity, and in an attempt to grasp who I am by examining how I write, what I think, where my heart and mind is. I would never know who you are, and I don't particularly need or want to. Maybe you don't exist. Maybe I'm really just a pitiful creature howling into oblivion thinking there is an audience out there.

I won't deny hoping. Hoping that there is at least one soul who comes by to understand. But sorry to disappoint, I'm not writing this in an indirect attack on this world, like how so many people do to release all their opinions. 

It's like that kid's story I heard somewhere, where people in a town spread a secret one to another about the king, until it reached a boy who didn't know what to do with the information. His mother advised him to dig a hole in the ground and whisper into the hole before covering it up, which helped relaxed the tension in the boy. However, a tree sprouted from where the hole was, and its flowers began to spread the king's secret far and wide, until it was no secret anymore and the king found out. Needless to say, he was embarrassed and furious, but he couldn't punish anyone and had to live with the pain from being constantly reminded about his secret.

Don't you think it's true? Not just blogs - other social media platforms are the same. People who are naive enough to think that ranting on their blogs, condemning others on Twitter is okay because "no one will know". Silly, these people don't even cover up their holes properly, almost as if they meant for others to see their dirty words, to know what happened, to feel bad. Convenient too, because they don't have to feel guilt about attacking others. They can always say it wasn't them. It was the tree whose flowers spread it.

No one gives a shit, Ozeki is right. It is a sad fact that more and more people are trying to be heard instead of trying to hear. But just because she's right doesn't mean we have a right to be resigned to this fate. I'm trying so hard to abstain from social media where I can see so many naive cowards, like Twitter. Instagram is fine, pictures are great. 

Maybe my blogging stems from hope that someone would come by and take an interest in my perspectives. But I do know that nobody actually cares for philosophy, and flock to the materialistic. I want to preserve my thoughts. I want to preserve my mind. I'm preparing for the future. Questions that swim around in endless currents in my head, that plague me so much, I want to keep them. Moments of truth, of enlightenment, I never want to lose them. All of it, I will document in diaries and blog entries. 

A Tale for the Time Being holds such an element. Nao, a Japanese girl, wrote a diary which was then found by Ruth on a beach preserved in a Hello Kitty lunchbox wrapped in freezer bags. Nao had meant for someone to read it, and described it as reaching out to her reader in a connection. We are all time beings. Because Ruth was reading about Nao, wondering about Nao's life, she was reaching back in time to connect with Nao.

I guess it's a little complicated! You should read the book. Right now during my break I'm trying not to let my brain rot by filling it with junk like games and comics, so my sisters lent me more books to read. I just borrowed The Handmaid's Tale from Stacey, which I would read after this book that Stella lent me. I have to thank my sisters for helping me cultivate a love for reading, and their tastes in genre have also influenced me, Stacey for example, reads a lot of utopian/dystopian themed books like The Handmaid's Tale, while Stella reads mostly philosophical titles such as those by Paulo Coelho.

Reading is important. It doesn't just improve your language, but it helps you gain new perspectives and insights, and makes you think past shallow ideas and thoughts. I find it a shame that a lot of people brush off reading like it is nothing. You need to read if you want to hold a good (or bluntly put, intelligent) conversation with someone.

Apprehension

This picture looks similar to another that I used for a previous post, just that it's birds here instead of a solitary plane. I said I'd get my fat ass out there to take pictures but I've been so lazy these days and the only thing I did stick according to plan so far was to run daily. I could do so much better ><

I've been passing time gaming mostly, playing Sims 3 (no surprise there) and PS3! My own PS3 broke down but my brother-in-law lent me his since he'll be overseas so I get to play all my games again and the games he owns additionally! So currently I'm playing Final Fantasy XIII and I LOVE THE GAME DESIGN. I'm a sucker for gorgeous game concepts and design and I have not been disappointed at all. Plus the main character Lightning Eclair Farron is the type of heroine I like - strong, rational and cool. Just that she's a tad bit stubborn and unfriendly at times, making it hard for the other characters to get along with her. BUT IT'S OKAY. Lightning earns her place on the pedestal of game heroines I admire and wanna be, next to Ada Wong and Lara Croft. :)

Even though As are over I still feel this twinge of apprehension in me. Now I've to think about jobs, internships, scholarships etc in addition to all the fun stuff I wanna do. And that itself is pretty overwhelming. As usual, I always knock myself out mentally by thinking about stuff and over worrying. I'm applying for a part time job at MOE as a scorer for a short period, and I'm hoping to get it because it's the only job offer so far that would not clash with my internship at SPH (that is, if I do get shortlisted for the scholarship). Waiting for something is the worst thing ever. I hate that awful feeling in your gut from all the anxiety and apprehension.

I was reading previous blog posts and diary entries from before, and besides the constant repetition of my desire to be stronger, I found that I've always mentioned about being afraid. And then I thought to myself - what am I afraid of exactly? What's the cause of this perpetual fear and anxiety inside me?

It's a little too general to say I'm afraid of life. So I thought I should think of a few examples.

The biggest fear on my mind is probably loss. Losing people important to me. Come to think of it, I haven't really experienced true loss. First, you have to be really close to someone to feel utter loss. Before Dawn I probably didn't have any friend whom I felt I could turn to any time, much less depend on. In fact, I don't think I ever trusted anyone enough outside my family to depend on them, because I always wanted to rely on myself. I was usually the one people would rely on, and that didn't really matter to me. Relatives who passed away were too distant for me to feel any difficulty looking into the coffin windows at their faces. How does anyone ever prepare for loss?

Friends come and go, everybody will one day die. I think of the day when I would attend the funeral of my own family, and I have trouble breathing just at that very thought. I think of 50 year-old Samantha, who would by then have experienced loss, and wonder if the me then would think of her 18 year old self and the memories then when everyone dear to me was alive and breathing. Would I be strong enough, when the time comes, to continue walking down the path of life to the inevitability of my own death?

One fear leads to another. Because I'm afraid of loss, I'm afraid of connection. Of people, the tragic race of beings who cling onto one another for community and love. You'd probably think I'm crazy, but I've had thoughts about how being attached to many people would only cause myself excessive hurt when they leave. I confess that I have never made a connection and dedicated myself to it once. My family is always there, and those familiar connections are built with blood. But friends come and go. Apart from being polite and civil, laughing and smiling along with the crowd, I have never gone out of my way to really make a friendship. Friends who used to be "best friends" are now strangers. Some of them would probably try to continue to hold onto to that connection on their end, but they would eventually give up because I'm the one who lets go first. Dawn was the one who made her way into my life and fixed herself there - I don't think I did anything at the start except to respond and be nice. However not everyone has the patience to reach out that far to you.

I'm afraid of the end. Life's a train track - we are that fast-advancing train towards the end of the line that is death. What's even scarier is nearing the tip of the cliff with multiple regrets loaded on my carriages, bringing them down with me heavily.

These are a few existential fears, with more to come. But it's because of these fears that I always strive to be stronger. To be strong enough to continue down the track of life when those I love are taken from me. To be strong enough to fight the fear of connection and just make friends, and be even stronger to move on when they go. To be strong enough to hold my ground, and defend my weak self against those who dare to contend with me and bring me down. To be strong enough to charge towards the end with a light heart. And to be strong enough to protect those I love.

Haha I hope all of these aren't just talk. I really want to be strong. I want to be a fighter. I'm not a feminist but I sometimes take on an antagonistic stance towards men for treating us lightly. All the more I'm not a feminist because I look down on my gender kind for being damsels in distress. Aside from having boobs and missing balls I am no different from anyone - I'm a human being. I can be strong. I love this spirit in me, though sometimes it works pretty badly because when someone questions my view (that is not helpful in a way like pointing out my flaws), I get really angry because I assume almost immediately that the opponent looks down on me and is challenging me.

Anyway on a lighter note, my niece is gonna be named Elysa Chin! :)

Begin

A Levels ended last Friday!

I feel a little lost, now that the thing I've been working towards is done and behind me. Onwards, to the future now. I'm going to start building myself up to be stronger.

Right now I feel just like that minibus, running steadily on the smooth flat sand with no particular destination, with the tall sky above me and the endless sea extending far beyond what I can see. I love looking at the horizon of the sea. There's a highway that I'd travel to school on in the mornings on a usually near empty Bus 36 between the city area and Kallang, and at 7 am you could see the sun rising, casting a sort of magical glow on the sea beyond the Marina Barrage. I love looking out of the window when I travel, and this is the place I love most doing that.

When I look at the fine quivering line between the sky and the sea in the horizon, I feel a sense of hope and a tinge of adventure thinking of what lies far beyond in the distance. That somewhere far away, something awaits me. That almost absurd feeling of running away from reality and diving into nothingness. Immerse myself in my own world, drinking in the silence, being at peace. I like that.

I'm afraid too. And all the more I want to be stronger. I drew some inspiration about fear and strength these few days from reading the manga Bleach. I found my old love for anime and manga from reading Bleach, because it was the first few animes I watched back in Primary school together with classmates who shared my interests.

There's this part where Urahara was training the protagonist Ichigo on how to fight, and Urahara said this while sparring with Ichigo:

When you're dodging, you're "afraid of getting hit."

When you're attacking, you're "afraid of hitting me."

When you're protecting someone, you're "afraid of them dying."

Your sword is filled with fear!

It's pathetic! You can't give into fear in a fight. It won't help you at all.

When you're dodging, think "I won't let you hit me!"

When you're attacking, think "I'm going to cut you!"

When you're protecting someone, think "I won't let you die!"

See? See this? In my sword...

Do you see my determination? Do you see "I am going to cut you in half?"

That's right. I am going to turn my fear into power. 

I was thinking about my true motivations about wanting power. Besides my fantasies about a zombie apocalypse, I truly want to be strong, to prove my worth. I won't stand for weakness, I don't want to be the helpless damsel in distress cowering in the corner, waiting for others to comfort me, pity me or pretend to help me. Looking back at the phase when I was all miserable and depressed, I felt so weak and useless. I'm not willing to show people my weak side. 

Because in my own personal opinion, I hate it most when an able person exposes his/her flaws, expecting sympathy, complaining when none comes. And this applies to myself. "Don't like it? Fix it and change it. Otherwise shut up and stop complaining and whining, you miserable weakling." I managed to do something like this recently, and I feel so much better and more confident.

I have an ex-partner, both in the relationship sense and the work sense, because I was in a brief relationship with this guy before both of us became the core leaders of our CCA in secondary school. Between the change there was a period when we both avoided each other because our relationship ended with an unresolved misunderstanding, and after we were assigned to lead the band together we clashed frequently, wanting to beat each other. The competition between us suited us very well because it made us stronger leaders. I lost in the end, because even though we went through the same ordeal together, he gained something very valuable while I left with empty bitter feelings of defeat.

When we broke up 4/5 years ago he never said why and I never asked why. I was too afraid to know. I didn't like how rumors flew around after the separation, but I didn't do anything to confront him. I knew I was called a 'slut' but I just kept quiet. So I told him in the conversation 2 days ago, saying I wanted to talk about what happened before, and I wanted to know why. And so we started being very honest with each other, explaining to each other our own sides of the story. I think it was probably hard for him because he probably wasn't prepared for such a confrontation, but gradually we started having fun talking about the past, clearing up that malignant misunderstanding. We apologized and laughed, and it feels like all past tensions from before had already disappeared.

I felt like I was finally released from that teeny bit of vengefulness lingering in me back in my high school days, and it was easier to move forward. I was proud of myself for confronting my past, and I told him that, and he congratulated me. I didn't feel like I lost anymore. My ex-partner is someone I respect a lot, someone whom I saw as a powerful figure and wanted to overtake, someone whose acknowledgement is sufficient for me to know that I have what it takes to be even stronger.

And I will be stronger. I will be the strongest I can ever be. Begin.

My Daytime Shooting Star

Just recently (2 days ago?) Vernice introduced a manga she was reading...AND NOW I'M HOOKED.
This isn't the most appropriate time to be caught up in some distraction but I feel so HAPPY reading this manga!

It's called Hirunaka no Ryuusei (Daytime Shooting Star), a shoujo-type manga about a countryside girl called Suzume Yosano who comes to live with her uncle in Tokyo and gets caught up in some love triangle with her popular and charismatic (and smoking hot) teacher Shishio Satsuki (24 years old), and her cool and aloof classmate Mamura Daiki (16 years old) who doesn't really interact much with girls.

When I read the manga on the first day, just 6 chapters in I already did the following hundreds of times over:

1) Scream (softly) to myself
2) Bury my face into a pillow
3) Throwing my phone (on my bed) and flailing about wildly
4) Pounded my pillow with my fists
5) All of the above in succession

Shishio-sensei is the real killer. He is charismatic, cool, humorous, mature, cute, good-looking, dresses well etc etc ETCCCCCCC (KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) *HEART BURSTS INTO SMITHEREENS*

HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE SHISHIO-SENSEI! He looks gorgeous with and without glasses even I can't even...But since Shishio is a teacher of course the romance between Suzume and him is kinda forbidden. Vernice likes the other guy Mamura though.
Mamura is really cute because he can't touch girls (and girls can't touch him ooooh) or else he'll turn red.

And he's really cool too because he found out (through his own observations) that Suzume and Shishio kinda have a thing for each other and went to confront Shishio (SO COOL). Whenever Suzume's down or whatever and Shishio can't help her (because he's a teacher), Mamura goes and cheer her up in his own cool and aloof way. So Shishio and Mamura has this rivalry going on which is OOOOOOOHHHH SMOKING HOT.

Okay I'm fangirling WAY too much. Of course these are purely my fictional fantasies (and pretty unhealthy ones too). But there are some minor elements which I envy and wish to experience too. Of course I won't be so unrealistic as to expect all the cliche and mushy plots these mangas have.

For example Suzume bought Shishio a neck tie for his birthday, and since she didn't know what pattern he likes and has bad fashion sense she got him a sushi-pattern necktie (because that's her favourite food) LOL.

Shishio who usually has very good style wore the tie the next day and became a laughing stock for the students. However he scolded them and retorted that it was his favorite tie and even though Suzume felt bad for embarrassing Shishio she felt happy  that he wore it and even regarded it as his favourite.

I'd also want a guy who'd wear something that I bought for him and regard it as his favourite accessory even though it's embarrassing or doesn't suit him at all!

Haha I've finished it right up to the latest chapter and now I'm having withdrawal symptoms gosh. I'm following 4 mangas now including this (Skip Beat!, Inu X Boku SS, Corpse Party), waiting for new chapters to come for all of them. 

Oh and yesterday was Dawn's birthday so after Lit we went to City Hall because I needed to buy Tokyo Banana for my mom. We went to have lunch together at some Ramen place (the ramen was awesome) aaaaaaand i guess that's how we celebrated poopface's birthday!

A lot of our peeps from school ship the both of us, but sorry to disappoint you we're really just the best of friends haha. Although sometimes I do feel like I act the role of her boyfriend or something by being the more mature and calmer of the both of us LOL. Besides, Dawn has her Lego and I have...I have Shishio sensei <3 Damn I really miss the feeling of being in love actually.

I suddenly felt like drawing after a LOOOOOONNNGGG time so I decided to try drawing a manga-version of myself. Of course I'm not an Art student so my drawing is neither brilliant nor is it realistic cos I did try to make myself look good.

I'm pretty proud of the hair though - I took a picture of myself and started copying my hairstyle from the photo to make it look as realistic as possible. Sad to say my eyes aren't that big and my nose isn't small and pointy at all and I never ever look glam like that BUT I TRIED HAHAHA.

Superwoman

I shouldn't be sitting down here writing a post in the midst of the A Levels. BUT SCREW IT I will write a post. I'll survive this ordeal by keeping my eyes on the future and staying hopeful. So I'll be writing on what I wanna do after As :)

My life goal is to be strong and powerful. And to achieve that I believe that steps should be taken to improve on my physical strength, confidence and skills. Right now I'm as good (or bad) as a gigantic human-shaped sponge because all I do is eat, and sleep and laze around while studying. I've really piled on a lot of weight but I'm not going to let it get me down like before because seriously no one looks at you when they are so preoccupied with their own worries. I was looking through photos on Facebook one day and found a picture of me in early Sec 2 as a Student Councillor during the Sec 1 orientation and I was appalled at how different I looked.

I was SOOOOO SKINNY back then. And tanned. And seriously I don't think I knew how to smile back then because look my my mouth - pressed downwards like a sad face. On second look, I think I look pretty creepy here HAHA.

I'm improving on my confidence socially now through reading out loud from my TIMES magazines (like a news anchor) at home, putting in more effort in keeping a live conversation going (to do that I pretend I'm a radio deejay) and carrying myself with more power such as maintaining eye contact and keeping good posture. I try not to shy away when someone intimidates me and challenge myself mentally to stand my ground. Anna Akana's video on confidence is pretty helpful. I'm aiming for a confidence level like Anna Akana's because when she speaks she really engages people, and everyone wants to listen to her. Plus she sounds good too.

I wanna try lots of things after As so to keep it short I'll just make a list:

In no specific order of importance,

1. Learn Japanese (in preparation for March's trip to Tokyo!)
2. Run everyday
3. Learn Jiujitsu
4. Learn how to ride a motorbike and get a license
5. Learn drums
6. Work at some firm related to media
7. Write a story
8. Go on a photo-taking adventure around Singapore
9. Make short films and music videos
10. Read the Bible and the Qur'an
11. Meet up with significant friends from before
12. Grow a cherry tomato plant
13. Try shooting at a shooting range

These are all I can think so far. Y'know the funny thing is this. I've had this inspiration to be strong for a long while now, but I think it was because of the Resident Evil series. My first encounter with the game series (the movie ones aren't as original as the games but I do watch them to see the similarities) was in sec 4 when I tried a RE5 demo on my PS3 (RIP PS3) and nearly died out of fear and angst. I went on to watch the entire gameplay walkthrough on YouTube and I was hooked. At that time RE6 was about to be launched and I was just so so so excited to watch the walkthroughs online because I couldn't play it myself (besides I'd probably suck at it).

From then on I started fantasizing about a zombie apocalypse and pictured myself surviving through it like the RE characters. And I figured that if I were to be in an apocalypse I have to increase my chances of survival. Throughout the game the characters use guns and arms or engage in physical combat, and occasionally hop onto or hijack a car, a motorbike or a chopper to make their great escape. I don't think I would be capable of any of those actions naturally so I want to be able to at least be fit enough to run and fend for myself or escape on some form of vehicle. I'm probably taking my RE craze a tad bit too far but it doesn't hurt to be prepared haha.

There's this guy from the Art class in my school who's obsessed with army-related stuff, and he always has this weaponry-belt sort of thing with him. Whenever I visit my Art friends in the Art Room I'd occasionally see him doing weird stuff like suddenly launching into a forward roll, treading about like some sort of soldier inspecting a place etc. People in school would probably recognize him by now and sometimes derive entertainment from watching him. But I was telling my friend that if an apocalypse broke out he'd probably be the one with the highest chances of survival.

Of course not all my goals are purely motivated by my fantasies. I also want to develop myself in other areas and be a more capable person. I want to be someone whom I would meet and think to myself "Wow, she's so cool." or "I want to be like her." Most importantly I want to be someone who would do things that others probably wouldn't do and inspire them to do the same. For example, as someone who really values pure honesty, I would want to be someone who'd confront some girl who probably talked behind my back, or go up to someone from way before and clear up some prior misunderstanding over some food. You can't go wrong with being honest I believe.

Anyway it's confirmed! Little Chin is a girl, and she will be my NIECE! I was a little disappointed though because I would've liked to have a nephew. After watching the KBS 'Return of Superman' series, I'm more convinced about wanting to raise one or more children. I would like to have sons though, because I think girls are harder to deal with emotionally than boys being one myself! I was telling my mom that even if I don't get married, I'd still adopt a child to raise.

But there's another dilemma about raising children. I don't really trust maids or child care centres somehow so I want to be able to raise my own kid. But unless my husband is very financially secure or I have some awesome job that pays well with short working hours (or allows me to work from home), I'd still have to get someone else to help with bringing up the kid when I'm away at work. Of course my mom would probably be happy to help but I foresee that she'd also be helping my sisters' kids so I should at least have alternatives. So I thought of an idea - I could set up my own business such as opening a cafe and look after my kids at the same time! It's not gonna be easy, but I really want to be able to give my child the best I can and see to it that my kid grows up well.

Another piece of good news: we're probably gonna adopt a second dog! My family and I've gone to see the 8-year old female long haired dachshund (same breed as Skippy) called Mochi last week, and we're going to see if she gets along with Skippy when we bring her back to our house on 14 Nov. We're thinking of changing her name if we do actually keep her, because all the dogs we've raised so far have been named names starting with 'S', and Mochi is a little weird for us to call a dog. We've thought of 'Skittles' (my personal favourite), 'Shortcake' and 'Sarsi' but we still haven't decided on a good name :/

All of these are my happy thoughts, very useful in this very trying period. I'm not going to let some examination take control of my life because regardless of the results I still have a life to live. I don't know when this life would end, so I'm going to live to the fullest as much as I can.

Eyes On Me

Y'know I'm pretty envious of people in the world who follow the Final Fantasy series from its early beginnings to the 14th installment, because there's A LOT of ground to cover here and damn, the game concept looks gorgeous.

Maybe after As I can try looking at gameplays for all the Final Fantasy games, but the graphics for the first few games are really old and pixellated, and that might just make me give up halfway because the other thing I look for in games is the game art (cue boos from the classic old gamers).

I chanced upon Final Fantasy VIII when I found the song 'Eyes On Me' by Faye Wong. It's an old song I recognized but didn't quite know of when I was younger because I've heard it play a few times in my childhood.
The next time I heard it was when I was in Sec 4, at the band concert of another school where Mr Patrick Wong, one of the few teachers I respect a lot in my life so far, conducted.

A trio of saxophonists played the song and I instantly recognized it. I looked at the concert booklet and for the first time I connected a name to this unknown melody. It was 'Eyes On Me'.

The song is really old but it's beautiful in a quaint way. I went to research on the song for the heck of it and I absolutely love the story behind it, which is kinda like a backstory for FF8 if I'm not wrong.

The song, according to Wiki, unveil the hopes of a night club singer for romance with a particular member of her audience. The main characters of FF8 are Squall Leonhart and Rinoa Heartilly as shown in an embrace in the FF8 logo, but this song revolved around the brief romance between the protagonists' parents.

Rinoa's mother, Julia Heartilly, was a beautiful and talented bar lounge pianist at the Galbadia Hotel who wished to break out of her role as a mute bar pianist and pursue her dreams as an actual singer. 

When she was 22, she met a Galbadian soldier named Laguna Loire who would often go to the bar lounge with his two buddies when off-duty. There, he was captivated by Julia and would return night after night to watch her perform from the shadows.

The part I liked most is this: Laguna was terribly shy and too embarrassed to speak to Julia because he doubted that someone as beautiful and talented as Julia would take notice of him. However, unbeknownst to Laguna, Julia also harboured a crush on him. This part is captured in the lines that I picked out:

I saw you smiling at me

Was it real or just my fantasy?

You'll always be there in the corner

Of this tiny little bar.

I kind of liked it your way,

How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Did you ever know

That I had mine on you.

One night Laguna finally worked up the courage to approach Julia, and the two began to talk in Julia's private room, confiding in each other about their dreams - Laguna's aspiration to be a journalist and Julia's to be a singer. She told Laguna that she wanted to write her songs but never knew where to start. Upon meeting him however, she finally found her inspiration. Their start came to their end as Laguna was called away on a dangerous mission the same night, and Julia never heard of Laguna again.

The two never met again.

Julia married a good friend General Fury Caraway and gave birth to Rinoa. However, she died from an automobile accident when Rinoa was 5 and from then on Fury and Rinoa became estranged as Rinoa ran off to join a rebel group and took on her mother's last name.
Laguna on the other hand was severely injured from his mission and was found by a woman named Raine whom he fell in love with and later married. There's a cutscene in the game ending below at 2:15 showing how Laguna proposed to her in a field under moonlight (OMG cuteness overload), the same field where she is buried.

He was away looking for their kidnapped adopted daughter Ellone (the lady waving at Laguna in the video) when Raine gave birth to Squall and died shortly after, unbeknownst to Laguna. (seriously why is it that the females are dying in this game)

"Although brief and likely never consummated, Laguna and Julia's relationship plays a major role in the theme of destiny, a central theme for Final Fantasy VIII. Although circumstances kept Julia and Laguna apart their love was reconciled through the romantic involvement of their children, Rinoa (Julia's daughter) and Squall (Laguna's son)." - Final Fantasy Wiki

I think one of the most relieving things that could happen in life is when the person you admire requites your affection. It's pretty amazing if you think about it, the fact that both parties had their sights fixated on each other among the millions of other people who cross their path. But on the other hand, i don't think that unrequited love is the end of the world. I believe in destiny, God's destiny even, that will show us the people we will meet who won't necessarily travel the same path with us.

On a side note, Laguna Loire is pretty hot. ;)

Foetus

Say hello to my nephew/niece!

Stella's expecting again after a miscarriage earlier this year, and we're all really excited. I've had cousins who've been pregnant before, but it all feels new when someone that close to you is expecting. I believe the baby, named "Little Chin" by my sister for now until the gender can be confirmed, will be born next April! I'll see you then, kid. :)

I had meant to write about Farewell last week, but I was halfway through the post when Dad asked to use the PC and when I returned he had already closed the page with my work UNSAVED. I just couldn't bring myself to write again, and besides, now that I think about it the Farewell was a little overrated since the week after we still had to come back to school for lectures and mock exams. Pffft.

No but it was still fun and memorable, I'll give it to the juniors who planned the entire affair. The other good thing that happened on Farewell day was that Dawn and I met up with her online Audition (some game) friend to watch 'Annabelle'. And you know just how much I love horror movies. I love it even more when I see people scared, and Dawn was just perfect because she reacted so strongly to every scare and even threw her phone to the ground. 'Annabelle' was good, but not the scariest I've seen. Oh and Dawn had wanted me to meet her friend, whom I will refer to as Lego because I forgot his name hahaha. Dawn got to know Lego online and she kinda likes him so she wanted to introduce him to me (to seek my approval? What am I, your mom?). I had fun observing them when I wasn't talking to Dawn. So nice to be in love :)

The title of this post is 'Foetus', and I'm not just referring to the literal foetus in Stella's womb. I wanted to title this as 'Baby' but immediately my mind was filled with how couples call each other and Justin Bieber's song so NO, I need a classier name for this.

I am the baby of my family because I'm the youngest. I'm not spoilt or anything because I do have my fair share of chores to do and my parents do reprimand me when I don't tidy my room or when I laze around. But that doesn't bereft me of my ability to whine and seek favour from my parents. Whine? Seek favour? What the hell, Sam? In school everyone describes me as "calm", "motherly", "mature" etc etc but at home I am the baby. Mom openly shows her affection towards me sometimes by hugging me and calling me 宝贝 (baby), but she doesn't really do that to my sisters. Dad would still often tease me just like how he did when I was a kid. And I like it.

I actually believe that everyone needs to have a balance. Dawn is the opposite for example. She's the oldest kid in her family and acts the authoritative older sister role but in school she becomes a total baby - needy and whiney.

I was doing some deep thinking (as usual) and I thought about how I will become less of the baby as time goes by, not just because I'm growing, but because my family is changing. I asked Mom this morning as we did the laundry together "Ma, do you miss 大姐(oldest sister)?" and she replied yes, of course she does, but even if she didn't want my sisters to marry and leave this household, there's nothing she can do anyway but to accept and move on.

I asked because I remembered how in this very house, three sisters used to live together and interact with each other, bickering and sharing. But now when Stella comes by to visit, it all feels so different. I know she is my sister, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. She still cares about my well-being and is concerned about my future, but there's this distance in between both physically and emotionally. It's been 3 years since she married my brother-in-law, but I only came to terms with the separation recently because Stacey's getting married next year. (Mom just came by to look at the picture and ask me about what I'm writing and now I'm tearing up like some wimp gosh).

Yeah my second sister is going to be married off soon. I've become much closer to her since Stella married because I interact more with her now, and she looks after me and talks to me a lot. But I'm quite sure that no matter how often she drops by in future, she will be physically and emotionally distanced from me as well. (Mom peeked at what I've written so far and said if I'm like that now how is she going to die in peace TOUCHWOOD.)

I've also recently pulled out all my diaries from before and started reading them. I saw how naive and unappreciative I was which was kind of embarrassing. But I was also impressed with how much I had questioned the things around me, and was fascinated with how I wrote my feelings. (I embarrass, impress and fascinate my own self, how cool is that!) So I took a few shots of my diary entries and decided to share them here:

 "For I do not care anymore. Why is it that I have come this far, I do not feel a sense of achievement, but a throbbing pain of regret and loneliness? I hate to look back and fervently wish to return to the long dead past. I dream of a future to look forward to.

But when the past is already a dead end, and the future is bleak, what can I do, but to feel sorry for my own plight and existence?"

Y'know I'm impressed with how I wrote this because it's so dramatic haha

" All the evils of the world have their difficulties, miseries, and sadness too, but no one really feels for them, and instead everyone is bent on finishing them off, ridding them out of their lives to make their world rosy. All they know is to flock to the beautiful, and destroy the ugly, but they know not how to pick up the ugly, and polish them to beautify the world. I don't want to hate anybody.

But why am I slowly being made to hate one that I once loved? Why is my world becoming so dark? There is no light anymore. Life is unfair, life is just so unfair.

But I don't want to be hurt and I won't be crushed. I have decided to give up on love, because loving someone will only make me more vulnerable. I'd rather invest my feelings into the non-existent, because my heart's desire will always be fulfilled."

I think during this time I was jealous of people whom I really liked before, and began to feel all antagonistic and of course, naive. I was only 15/16 so forgive me haha

"It's not like I want to be bad. It's not like I'm happy being called scary and being viewed with eyes that see nothing beautiful in me. It's not like I chose to be the antagonist. Everyone wants to have that Happily ever after life. But I'm not that lucky at all. If life deprives me of the live I want, I will fight back and continue without love until I die. 

No one can blame me for being evil, no one can blame me for being loveless, no one can blame me for my death. It is you all that pushed me to this stage. If it weren't for you all, I would be spared from this pain. Love is unpredictable and unreliable. I will do it without love. I want to be the strongest antagonist."

This is what I mean by naivety.  I had such an imaginative mind and I had sworn so hard that I would do without love haha.
 I can't remember the exact date of the entries, but I do know these were written during the very trying period of SYF 2012 near the end of sec 3 and the beginning of sec 4. I didn't have a very happy experience as you can see because I started feeling antagonistic. And up till now secondary school life has been one I'd like to avoid as much as possible. I only have a couple of friends from there that I keep in contact with because secondary school life was a time that i felt so much negativity so I want to distance myself from it.

Speaking of antagonistic, I was recently very interested in personality types. I took the 16 Personality Types Quiz and my result is INTJ.

This is the icon for INTJ types SO CUTE look i have a moustache and a monobrow!
INTJ is supposed to be very rare, forming 2% , and even rarer for females who form 0.8%! I remember the overview mentioned something about fictional antagonists being modelled after this personality type, and they listed BBC Sherlock's Moriarty (MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER) and Hannibal. I found the results pretty accurate for me, and I went around getting friends to do the test because I wanted to read up on their types and try to understand them better.

You should do the test! Click on the link and try it, and see if it's accurate for you.

With only 12 days to the A Levels, I'm feeling all emotionally unstable. But I will push through and finish it. I wrote a note to my future self at the last page of my diary from sec 4, and it ended with

I'll figure a way somehow.