Countryside, Farmside Markets and Outdoor Bars

So today I went to D'Kranji Resort for a chalet gathering with my maternal relatives to celebrate an uncle's and cousin's birthday.

I've never been to this part of Singapore before and honestly I love this place - it's like the best chalet, better than the beach-themed ones in Pasir Ris. There were farms, prawneries(?) and fisheries, a market bazaar selling farm produce and an outdoor pub! 

The place had such a nice ambience to it I decided to go round and take some photos but the sun set pretty quickly and I didn't get to take much, sadly.

I love places like this - relaxed and...organic? The big attraction there was the Farmside market where people were just going around looking at fresh vegetables and herbs, glass bottles of jam, fruit tea, seafood, flowers, seeds etc, and it felt like everyone there was a whole big familial community just going around offering samples like granola seeds and boiled mussels for all to share.

There were children running freely around, clambering on the tractor on the pavement while parents just sit and talk. People brought their dogs and parrots even. When night came, the crowds subsided and the stores closed. You could see stars in the sky and hear the distant music coming from the outdoor pub and water running in the prawneries and fisheries. 

I thought to myself that it'd be nice to bring a special person here one day cos he'd probably like it here as much as I do. Away from the worries of cold civilisation and into the fields.

We'd just enjoy the atmosphere, talk and enjoy each other's company while fishing or prawning, sit at the pub and listen to music over some drinks, watch the stars over some food and just let ourselves sink, blend and disappear into the scenery and the setting all around, just as we are as ourselves.

I'll be back there someday.

Anyway, I'll be turning 18 in about a week's time! I still feel 16 though, not quite ready to be the adult I always impatiently wanted to be as a carefree, ignorant young lass. 

Of course there's the usual typical 18th birthday cheer of "yeahhhh I'm finally legal to drink and to drive (not drink drive LOL)" but as much as that sounds like a big deal, I believe being 18 entails a lot more. Maybe cos I already drink before the legal age but OH WELL :) 

At 18 I want to strive to be strong and fearless. Reading back a few posts I realise that I'm still a girl bound by the mistakes of her past - always fearing the opinions of others just because of a few insignificant rubbish-mouthed school girls from secondary school who I always nearly believed ruined the enjoyment of my school life. 

Now that they are out of my life I still fear. But I want to be someone who is unfazed by others around, to be someone who will show you who I really am despite what they say, to be someone who loves me. 

I'm Not Returning

I am a girl in essence - even if I desperately wish to be different, even if I loathe my girl tendencies, even if I pull off a strong front just to show you that I don't need you and that I've moved ahead of you.

Because I'm essentially still a girl who speaks in riddles, who secretly longs for a pillar of support, and wants just the attention of yours despite scoffing at the ways of my kind.

And even if I hate it, it's already in my nature, my instincts. I dislike that I'm still interested in what you do and what you say. I dislike that I actually have to think over what I'm going to say to you just to keep the conversation going. And I hate it even more when I can't bring myself to move back or ahead where you're concerned. You and I above all still have some unspoken history to clean up.

Even if we are talking about something about the painful past I still want to talk. Ironically because you alone are the painful past. I've done away and cut off every memory and contact other than you and I don't know why.

You made me hope that I could actually redeem myself and my past, and invite thoughts of returning to the corridors where i used to run carefree in maroon pleated skirts and white blouse uniform. You tell me that I'm still needed there in those corridors because I was once powerful.

I will not fall prey twice to the same mistake. I will keep to my hypocritical ways and I will stay away from any of the horrible past. I will just forget those 4 years of being in the same place as you.

I hate this game of endless thoughts. None of us want to lose and so I'm not going to play anymore.

I'm not returning.

See No Touch

Note: From this post onward I'm gonna upload pictures of my own! Stacey cautioned me not to use so many (or not to use any) pictures from the Internet cos' there was a blogger who got fined for every picture she used without authorisation. It's frighteningly easy to save all the nice photos online and use them again because you want to share the beauty of these photos when it's actually illegal. So I'm gonna work hard on taking or editing equally or better good-looking beautiful pictures :)

The cover photo for this post is an edited version of one of the photos from my Korea trip album. If you like photo-editing on your phone to pass the time (like me, instead of carouselling too much) then I recommend the app PicsArt! It's really awesome and makes a whole lot of difference to the effect of the photo like this one that I took outside MBS before watching My Fair Lady:

Recently I've been coming across MMAAANNNYYY couples when I go out and somehow I go all ugh. There's this thing about close attachment that I'm somehow a little peeved about. I understand wanting to be close to the person quote "of your dreams", "your bae", "your cutie" but sometimes I wonder if being in a relationship romantically would be stifling. Imagine the amount of commitment you'd have to put in - won't it be emotionally draining? Perhaps i just haven't met the prophecised "One" yet that people seem to be looking for. It seems like once you've found that "one" you'd be willing to do anything, or you'd turn into a different person. But it depends on how much you're willing to lose your head for your heart.

Personally for now I enjoy the "See No Touch" process I'm going through - enjoy looking at and just casually getting to know people around me without being attached. Sure, I confess that I love looking at aesthetically pleasing guys like so many other girls (and I don't dare to get to know the very good looking ones because they are intimidating) but I don't just look at good-looking guys. I have guy friends that have admirable qualities that make feel that it's so cool to know them such as being musically talented, having great aspirations, being laidback etc.

See No Touch isn't so bad because if you think about it, being in a relationship kinda makes you guilty about looking at other people no matter how forgiving your partner is. And if you are unlucky enough to have unreliable friends that work as part time behind-your-back gossipers with a vast network of fellow gossipers, you can be darn sure that whatever secret eyecandy or close guy just-friends buddies you have will be made known to your partner. And if you are even unluckier to have a doubtful partner you can be darneddest sure that you'll have a hell of a time from him either directly or indirectly.

Why subject yourself to such unnecessary emotional stress when you can safely observe from afar? Touching anything can earn you the risk of getting yourself dirtied with wet paint.

And that stage of pure admiration that dwindles between nothing and getting to know that person seriously is always the most exhilirating and memorable (and cutest). Like the MVs for Akdong Musician's '200%' and 'Give Love' where the female lead gooses around the cute guy in a silly way.

You're No Tragic Hero

So what are you? Are you the main character of your life? Sure.

But you aren't the main character in their lives, you see.

Sure, you failed, you are heartbroken, you were cheated, you are upset.

But you forget millions and billions and trillions of others are like that too. People who are even probably dead have been through that, people in future who have yet to see this wretched world, people who brush past you in the streets. What makes you think "No one understands me"? You really think you're that special? That you're the tragic hero or the damsel in distress of this play?

Don't make me laugh.

A life that is full of complexities. Yet you underestimate it.

I don't blame any living person for hoping. I don't hate myself for wishing there's a silver lining.

But if you constantly wallow in your sorry pit of self-pity, bitterly remind NOT ONLY yourself but everyone around you of the disappointing event that did not go your way expecting sympathy and soothing words, then i have nothing but scorn for you and your weak resolve.

I am no iron woman myself. But unlike the tragic heroes and distressed damsels I do not intend to constantly make known my sorrows and pain to people who probably do not care at all. I do not want to be protected by half-hearted individuals. I want to be strong and be constantly moving forward.

You are no tragic hero, and neither am I. And in our lives we will face numerous setbacks and failures unlike the tragedies of the heroes we study. And there won't always be an audience who will bestow upon you the honour of their attention.

Instead of being sorry, we should be filled with the motivation of moving on with a realistic and almost brilliant scheming mind like Iago's, albeit without his villainy.

You're no tragic hero in this real world. You are mistaken if you feel that way. A true tragic hero never knows he is because of his ignorance towards his hamartia.

And what's there to follow? How often do you have anagnorisis, the reversal of ignorance to knowledge, with your stubborn mind?

I've had enough of your drama.