Space for None More

Wants

Beyond all this, the wish to be alone:

However the sky grows dark with invitation-cards

However we follow the printed directions of sex

However the family is photographed under the flagstaff - 

Beyond all this, the wish to be alone.

Beneath it all, desire of oblivion runs:

Despite the artful tensions of the calendar,

The life insurance, the tabled fertility rites,

The costly aversion of the eyes from death - 

Beneath it all, the desire of oblivion runs.

- Philip Larkin 

I studied this poem and prepared to use it for my A Level Literature paper during junior college - reading all the analysis materials and model essays, internalizing all of it for the purpose of being able to have the ink from my pen flow unrestrained on those blank foolscap papers. In that sense, I probably never fully appreciated Larkin's work until this moment, as his words resonate with my own feelings now.

It's not that I've never experienced the sudden, unexplained urge to break free from all social contact and isolate myself till now. While lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and identifying the return of this phase of melancholy (like the unannounced return of an old friend whom you're not too pleased to welcome back), Larkin's poem somehow surfaced in my thoughts. I got up and picked out my old Lit text from the shelf, flipping to 'Wants'. 

It's slightly relieving to be able to read words that embody feelings you don't necessarily have the vocabulary to convey - as if you're a step closer to possibly finding the answer or the remedy to this condition. But I don't think even Larkin ever got the answer up till the day he breathed his last. 

My soul is restless.

At this point, a part of me wants to shut away from the world and escape reality (the costly aversion of the eyes), and another is tempted to lose control, go mad and make everyone leave. Either way I don't feel like engaging in any form of serious interaction now. What I do want to do is to travel alone to see beautiful sceneries like the ones in the photos of this post. I could just sit all day and watch the noiseless splendor of Earth. 

This, as I mentioned, is probably just a temporary passing phase of melancholy. Like those dreadful lady days (periods) women endure every month even. 

However one thing has never changed through the tumultuous ups and downs of my feelings and emotions. I am still not ready to share my life with a significant other. At nineteen this year it's probably still too early to say. But in a blink of an eye I will find myself in my late twenties attending weddings and baby showers of friends I grew up with or attended school with, feeling societal pressure to get hitched myself and contribute to the next generation. 

I've seen how my sisters move from adolescence into the next stages of life -  now one of them is a mother while another is going to be a wife in October. Friends and acquaintances around me are all getting attached and engaging in intimate activities with their partners. I expected myself to feel envious and develop a desire to start my own romance, but it still turns out that amidst the whole dizzy, passion-filled atmosphere, I am not ready to commit to another being.

I do feel curious about what it's like to be in love with someone. I listen intently to the love stories of my attached friends. I observe their expressions and smiles as they talk bashfully about their loved ones. I feel happy and excited for them. But it never made me develop an appetite for any of that exhilaration. The most I've done is probably imagine how my relationship would be like (and honestly it never turns out interesting at all haha). 

But I don't like the idea of being bound to someone. I won't think that way once I fall head over heels with someone I guess. It's just that right now I look at the people around me and I feel indifferent. If 'The One' whom I am fated to be together with indeed exists, then I probably haven't met or noticed that person yet. If there's no such thing as being destined to meet that special person, then I have no expectations at all. 

Committing to another person means being responsible for the feelings of that person, and entrusting your feelings to them. It's a huge responsibility, where you could potentially break a person, a huge risk where you could break yourself. 

In all things I do, I've found that I take responsibility for my work and my actions most of the time. I detest irresponsible people. The way I see it, going into a relationship now is like voluntarily giving up the freedom to escape from reality on my own since my high regard for responsibility would lock myself down. 

If going into a relationship means losing the means to keep my sanity and allowing for potential hurt, I'd rather live the rest of my existence alone. I pride myself for finally being able to be in control of my feelings and thoughts. But losing my freedom means losing control, and just the thought of being irrational like a beastly, animalistic human being, worse than we all already are...it's unbearable.

There's no space now. Nobody can even come close or I'll move or chase them away. You'll wait? Don't waste your time. I'm waiting for myself too.

Making a turn down a new path

I sometimes view living as a journey we take, running or driving along the path of life. Roads converge and diverge along the way and we meet new people and say goodbye to old friends. We travel with some and share experiences together, and may part ways at the next road diversion to meet new travelers on another path. 

I had my last day of work at the Zoo last Wednesday.

Honestly, I am very, very relieved that I'm finally free from this job. Work at the Zoo (especially the Operator job) was very trying and discouraging at times. 

However, there're always two sides to a coin. Even though I was really sick of dealing with difficult guests and coping with a daunting workload every work day, what really got me through were the friends I made during my 5-month stint at the Zoo. 

I remember starting my first day at work worrying about getting along with my colleagues, most of whom are around my age. I'm an introvert, but I can pull off being an extrovert in social situations though it would greatly sap my energy. I smiled a lot, kept up with that cheerful friendly exterior and made myself speak out during lunchbreak even though I was greatly tempted to eat my food in silence like a churchgoer in fervent prayer. My efforts paid off and eventually I made friends with all the regulars. I didn't even have to force myself to be outgoing anymore since it was already natural for me to laugh and joke along with them whenever I saw them.

Another thing that I'm really thankful for was the fact that my friends didn't "discriminate" me. Most of my colleagues attend polytechnics (especially the interns) and ITE. I'm not implying that people who attend JCs are necessarily better than their peers who study at polytechnics and technical institutes. However you've got to admit that in Singapore it's pretty common for the scenario below to happen:

A: So you're still schooling? Where do you study at?

B: Um... xxx JC.

A: Waaaa JC siol! Smart kid eh!

B: *awkward smile / laugh* no la...

A: Can go JC must be very smart one lor!

Again, I emphasize in no way do I view my non-JC peers inferior at all. In fact, I was able to chat and joke with more ease compared to my own school mates. Even though the above situation did happen to me countless times whenever I talk with my colleagues or meet someone new, my friends never treated me differently. I was even able to develop and show a different side of me to my friends - one that I rarely show to my other friends. Most of my friends from school see me as a serious individual who's just nice and ordinary.

I guess that's the thing about meeting different people. They say the people around you sometimes shape your personality and I guess that's true. I don't think I could ever be wild and crazy around certain groups of friends, lest they walk off and pretend  not to know me HAH.

I think I've changed slightly after meeting my colleagues at the Zoo. I've always cut off contact with a class or a group after "graduating" from them forever because I need to 'move on'. However I feel as if I could remain in contact with the new friends I've made. We're all making various plans to meet up for a Night Safari outing, or movie trip or even just a meet-up over food. And instead of dreading these plans and going to them out of compulsion or peer pressure, I find myself looking forward to meeting them again. I'll miss being able to see them regularly during work.

Right now I'm making a turn at the road diversion to start a new adventure and meet new people. I missed the registration deadline for the FASS camp (major ugh). However thanks to my sister Stacey who helped look out for other NUS camps available for me, I signed up for a camp organised by NUS Japanese Studies Society! This might be even more exciting than the FASS camp since I would be meeting others who share the same love and interest in Japan as myself. Hopefully I would make memories as good as or even better than the ones I had with the peeps at the Zoo!

ライブ・スペクタクル (Live Spectacle) NARUTO

KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I needed to get out some pent-up excitement first haha. I'm still feeling the high from yesterday!

As you can see from the post title and photo header, this post is going to be all about NARUTO. But first things first, let me start on the 'NARUTO Project', or 'NARU PURO' for short. After the beloved manga series ended with its 700th chapter last year, NARU PURO was launched to commemorate 15 years of the series (oh the feels), with a whole line-up of events set up.

The logo for NARU PURO as seen above features the silhouettes of the great Fourth Hokage Namikaze Minato, main character and eventual Seventh Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, and last but not least Uzumaki Boruto of the new generation of Konoha shinobi. I can't think of a better logo to aptly represent the generations of shinobi in this long running series, and it makes me go a little emotional thinking back on the difficult but motivating growth of dear Naruto. We all literally watched Naruto grow so he lives within us all *clenches fists with tears streaming*.

ANYWAY.

Back in March when Iggy and I were wandering around Resorts World Sentosa, Iggy suddenly pointed upwards and lo and behold we saw the billboard ad for NARUTO Live Spectacle. We got our tickets booked not too long after, counting down the days to 6th June which flew past pretty fast. FINALLY, we were back at the exact same spot where we first saw the ad, this time with tickets in hand ready to experience the show of a lifetime. I was so excited - I was surrounded by fellow comrades (NARUTO fans) EVERYWHERE. There were even a bunch of people cosplaying as NARUTO characters to watch the show!

I bought a programme booklet without much hesitation (I'd usually hesitate about getting the programme booklet at any other play or performance) and it is worth the 30 bucks I paid. It's become one of my prized possessions now *holds booklet into the air Simba style*.

Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto and Gaara

The characters were all well cast, though Iggy and I agreed that Orochimaru was kinda weird singing opera and all. There were many elements of the show that were very creatively thought out, because it's always hard to adapt an anime into live action where one has to consider the limitations of the stage and show time. The actors and actresses were all very dedicated to their roles, trying to channel the essence of their characters even off stage. And most of them are around my age, with the actor playing Naruto (Matsuoka Koudai) being the youngest at 17 years old! The respective teams got along well with each other and I can't help but spazz over their backstage selfies:

Team 7/Team Kakashi: Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura

Trying to get Kakashi-sensei's mask off to unveil the mystery of his face!

Team 10/ Team Asuma: Shikamaru, Chouji and Ino

During the battle scene featuring Team 10 Ino-Shika-Chou, they threw a huge inflated ball into the audience to pass around(the ball was supposed to be Chouji in his Multi-Size Technique) but the front row audience kept tipping the ball back to the stage. Hence poor Ino and Shikamaru had to get off stage to try to pass the ball around while Chouji stayed on stage and exhausted his limited English trying to get the audience to pass the ball BACKWARDS. Shikamaru fell off the stage in the process (MAJOR HEART PAIN) but fortunately he got up quickly. It HAD to hurt, poor guy.

Team 8/ Team Kurenai: Kiba, Shino and Hinata

Haku and Zabuza of the Hidden Mist

Overall, the audience had a great lot of fun, cheering when our favourite characters executed a technique and laughing when we understand the humour of something because we already know the story so well. I was so overwhelmed during their curtain call and took a picture to remember those feelings but ugh it's all blur.

After the show, Iggy and I decided to keep a memory of this awesome show with a picture! I'm really thankful for Iggy for spotting the billboard back in March (or else we wouldn't be here), buying the tickets and then requesting for the physical tickets from SISTIC as keepsakes and even getting me a Konohagakure forehead protector! If you look carefully I'm actually wearing it round my neck Hinata-style (or Hidan style as Iggy says).

Memories of the show: The programme booklet, physical ticket and a Konohagakure forehead protector.

It was actually really funny - how he gave me the protector. There's this scene in the first episode of NARUTO where Iruka-sensei asks Naruto to close his eyes after they both survive an ordeal. Iruka then removes his own forehead protector, tying it onto Naruto's forehead and congratulating Naruto on graduating from the Academy to be a Genin as the protector is a symbol of being qualified as a ninja. SO that's how Iggy wanted to present it to me after the show when we were still sitting in the theatre, but he just failed horribly at tying it on my forehead hahahaha.

But that means I'm a Genin now! Yay me for graduating! Now, for the Chuunin exams... *readies kunai and shurikens*

I don't regret all of this one bit. I'm so happy to have known about NARUTO, and experience all of these awesome events. Even though the manga has ended, the anime series isn't completed yet - I can't imagine what I'll do with my life after it ends (okay that's a little exaggerated but it does feel that way sometimes).