When the voices start to chime in one after another, they coalesce into an intense blur - and all I want to do is to throw down whatever I'm doing and run down a quiet, deserted path where I can lose myself and all sense of the reality waiting.
But even in the silence, I am restless. Even though I can't hear their voices, I see their faces in my mind and our every past interaction surging back. On each memory I cast my doubts and insecurities, and they shuffle along. I can see them looking at me, whispering among each other. But these, vivid as they are, play out only in my conscious. If only I could scratch these useless feelings away and get rid of them.
I am extremely insecure. Most people, to varying extents, are. But I feel it cling to my being like an unwanted disease. I feel it the more I try to hide it, to suppress it. I don't show others how afraid I actually am, but still insist that they do not hold back. And yet even so, I'm not satisfied or appeased. Unsettled, I think about how they're still not completely honest with me, how they'd turn away and reveal what they truly think of me without me there.
When this happens, I start to desire for either one of two things. To disappear and be done with people, to not care about what people think, because it's so much easier to tell someone not to care than to actually disregard the insecurity yourself. The second thing I desire is the ability to read minds.
If I think about it rationally, reading minds isn't actually as great as it sounds for so many reasons. But the way I see it, knowing each and every single thought of everyone I meet would probably give my insecurity a rest. Not because I want to change myself to be the kind of person people would appreciate.
The way I am now, I look at people and think about how they perceive me. Each and every single action, word - anything - I'd give more consideration than necessary and try to determine if they like me or hate me. When I come to know about something that I feel I ought to have known earlier, I'm haunted with many "Why"s. If I could know how they think of me, favourable or unfavourable, at least I don't have to go on a fruitless process of uncertainty and questioning. At least I could deal with it faster and with more resolve. At least I don't have to feel so worthless and hateful about myself.
And I know it's hard to deal with insecurity. It's so easy to tell myself to grow a backbone and deal with it. What can others say? If they knew, they'd be even more careful with the way they interact with me, and that's even worst because they'd be hiding even more from me. This insecurity be damned.
The last post I mentioned how the scent of lavender has calming effects on me especially when I'm stressed out...and now I'm thinking about how I really need a whole truckload of lavender now. Or maybe I just need to get on that truck and drive far away from all the bullshit that has happened, lavender sprigs flying everywhere.
Now I personally don't like to rant online in a way that appears as if I'm launching an underhanded, indirect and cowardly attack on someone that I didn't confront personally first. Having been slammed by people I knew in secondary school without them getting their facts right (beyond trashy gossip) was scarring enough, so I don't think it's wise or mature to do anything that comes close to that. But after (finally) calming down and pondering about whatever just happened yesterday made me realise a few things about human interaction that happen all the time but seldom get pointed out. And that is what I will focus on writing about today, without losing control and eventually launching into an angry tirade (I'll try).
So what happened was this. I'm involved in a school event held by the Japanese club in my university as a scriptwriter for the concert component at night. After listening to what the PDs wanted roughly and getting ideas from my two lovely assistant scriptwriters, I finally drafted a script that was more story-based than your usual/ordinary emcee script. The draft was sent out a week ago to everyone on the storyboard group, including the two emcees, to have a look and voice any concerns they might have so that I could refine it better. Initially, there didn't seem to be any particular problem save for remarks about the tone and expression of the lines. These were pretty minor, so I continually revisited the script and tried different ways of speech that'll be more natural for our emcees to perform.
UNTIL.
The morning of Friday the 13th yesterday during my seminar class, I opened my Telegram chat to find a barrage of comments by one of the emcees (whom I will refer to as Person X) that basically voiced strong disapproval about the script and sought for it to be done all over again. And we had scheduled a reading of the original script in the afternoon on the very same day. Now here's where the situation gets sticky.
Person X wasn't all disapproving without justification - meaning he did give reasons as to why he felt the original script wouldn't do - reasons that made sense. Even in the midst of my indignance at the time I was going through his comments, I recognised the validity of his points.
I had many gripes about this. My main gripe was the (rude) way in which he put forth his opinion, which I will elaborate on later. The next was the whole timing of it. We were only a week away from rehearsals, and now we had to make a major revision to the script as quickly as we could and give time for the emcees to practice. One of the PDs informed me that X had personal matters to attend to that week thereby accounting for his late comments, which I accepted (albeit grudgingly). Third - if X saw these valid flaws in the script, why in the world did nobody else notice it and point it out earlier!?
That afternoon I turned up at the clubroom in low spirits and tried to make sense of the situation with the PDs and other scriptwriters in the clubroom. I asked them if they honestly had identified with what X pointed out earlier. When a couple of them admitted that they did think it was a minor cause for concern at the beginning, I almost lost it and asked why they didn't say so earlier. Anyway to sum up, we came up with another premise for the script, and I spent HOURS (that I should've spent doing my bloody readings) rewriting the whole script today. Don't get me wrong, I definitely know revisions are inevitable in scriptwriting. But I would have GREATLY appreciated these call for revisions much earlier and not less than a week to the rehearsals. ><
Right here's the part that I wanted to focus on, really, apart from that seething summary of events above. A friend of mine told me that most interactions between people are basically negotiations - where interlocutors observe and make judgements of the current interaction before deciding on the kind of stance or contribution they would put forth. Different parties may have different motives and expectations from the communication, but through this process they eventually meet in the middle even if it means compromising a little of your opinions or true feelings.
I've met many people with strong personalities in my life before, people who are assertive and have firm principles - which is admirable. Good for you, that's what I think.
But when you bring that with you into an interaction with someone else (especially if you haven't met or spoken with this person before), you can't really expect to always have everything go your way, or keep up with that assertive personality of yours. This isn't to say you should go out of your way to pretend to be nice and all. But following that negotiation process, someone would have to accommodate you when you insist on just dumping whatever you like unreservedly into the conversation because "this is who I am, whether you like it or not." That's not admirable anymore - that's just being self-centred and ANNOYING.
I've never interacted with Person X even once before all these happened, so I was in for a rude shock. Maybe he believes being brutally honest without beating about the bush is effective and is in his personality. But since it's my first time talking to this guy, I don't really care what kind of "amazing" person he is apart from what he has to offer in our interaction. I ended up feeling shitty as I had to hold back from retaliating, which in that way was me unwillingly accommodating with his bigotry.
The finishing blow was when he "offered" to, as I quote "bang out something" (a completely new script). Whether or not he intended it, I took it personally as an insensitive challenge to not only all the time and effort I poured into my work, but my pride and responsibility as the scriptwriter. I firmly (and indirectly) replied back on the same group chat that "we haven't confirmed that X would be going to write another draft for us yet." In the end, X didn't have to "bang out something" because I made a completely new draft today.
Sigh. I really don't like being angry, and losing control of my composure because of that. I rarely do - in fact I do like to think that my threshold of tolerance was quite deep. As I stormed into the clubroom yesterday, some of the club members were trying to console me. It was really uncool because I was still raging and a couple of the Year 1 guys in the room inched their way behind one of the PDs like "halp can we hide behind you". I was struggling to be professional about it and focus on getting out new ideas for the script so I could complete it well before next week's rehearsal.
School just started a couple of days ago, and it's a relief I haven't barfed from apprehension when faced with the menacing deadlines of my CA-heavy modules throughout this new semester.
The first week of school is when you shuffle awkwardly into your lecture/ seminar room, inconspicuously surveying your classmates - some of whom would be your potential project mates. Maybe you give yourself an inner fist pump when you notice that eyecandy whom you haven't seen since the start of winter break is also taking the same module as you. You chatter away with the course-mates you've sat in lectures with in the past few semesters, gossiping about your new professor based on what you heard from your seniors, or grumbling about how you're going to struggle with multiple deadlines from all your different modules etc etc.
By now, most of us in the second semester of our second year might feel a little jaded - going through the motions as we've done for the past three arduous semesters. But the anticipation and adrenaline you feel doesn't really change, just like how a runner might feel as he waits for his cue to take off at the starting line.
I'm really looking forward to breaking out of all the ennui I was immersed in from the past winter break. I'd been feeling really listless and removed from the world around me, as if plodding numbly through the days. Of course there were times of fun and excitement, but with their brevity I wind up lapsing into melancholy again. So hopefully with school starting I might be jolted back into action, into reality again.
Anyway, I thought I might write a little about my choice of the cover picture for this post. Most if not all of my posts' cover pictures have some sort of connection to, or capture the vibe of my feelings or thoughts at the moment I write the post. This time it's lavender fields, because the scent of lavender is one of my favourites. I have this little aroma burner in my room which I'd light up and put a few drops of lavender oil to create a more relaxing atmosphere in my room, especially on days I feel anxious or stressed out. It also helps that the lavender was the iconic flower used in 時をかける少女 The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, making it all the more favourable. To me, it's become a sort of remedy or visual cue to calm down whenever I may be experiencing anxiety - which would pretty much be what I'll feel for this new semester!
I haven't posted anything since last year!? Nah, really it was only a few weeks ago.
Actually I had a half-written draft that was roughly about reflections on the past year, thoughts about how overrated new year countdowns are and hopes for 2017...but I lost motivation part way through when I got tired of seeing those (albeit shorter versions) as I scrolled through social media. Don't get me wrong, I'm not belittling the reflections and aspirations of others. But a part of me somehow tries to resist following the masses - at least until the current hype dies down. (Yes, I'm more often than not that person who gets excited over something everyone else has already gotten over.)
On Tuesday afternoon, I saw Dawn off at the airport before she flew off to Canada for her exchange studies there. Part of me was excited for her, another part was a little sad that she'd be away for so long, and yet another part was worried about how she'd fare over there. And I thought, this muddle of feelings must really be part of what being a long-running, true friend is. Because when I think about how I'd feel if just about most other people I know fly off, and I end up with indifference.
I don't have many of such friends for whom I care so deeply about. Dawn and Iggy come to mind first when I think about it. Dawn and I met in VJC, while Iggy and I go all the way back to secondary school days in BPGHS. I've probably said this many times, but I'm grateful for these friendships. The reason probably is because I find that it's generally hard to be close friends with me. I can still be friendly and sociable to most people I meet, but I tend to get all defensive and distant the more people try to reach out to me.
So how did Dawn and Iggy wind up being such close friends? Well since it's friendship we're talking about here, it goes both ways so I can't exactly give you the full picture. But for my side of the story, it went like this.
Dawn was extremely (yes, extremely) extroverted and outgoing when I met her during our orientation in VJC, so I was initially a little put off by all the energy that threatened to suck away mine (the horror of all introverts!). But because she hung around and persistently talked to me all the time, she somehow slowly established her place in my life and I got used to her. In fact, her extreme candidness made me feel comfortable around her, since I'm usually guarded due to my insecurity of people talking behind my back. She was the first friend since primary school that I would actually quarrel with and ignore, before easily reconciling again. It felt nice to thrash it out with someone instead of having to silently grin and bear with the misgivings of others. Sometimes when I need my own personal space I'd not reply her messages, or decline meeting up. But she knows when I'm in those phases (and never lets me hear the end of how unfriendly I'm being when we eventually talk/meet).
Iggy on the other hand has a different story altogether. We were classmates for all of lower secondary, but we only really got to know each other much better towards upper secondary. Even though we went to different JCs, we'd still meet up sometimes. This all sounds very normal, but I felt that the crucial factor was timing. We didn't chat everyday or meet up very often. In fact, like Dawn, we could go on a couple of months without interacting and suddenly just talk again right after as if time hadn't passed. This made me a lot more comfortable knowing that we could both have our own space without compromising our friendship. It also helps that Iggy and I share many interests together like anime, theme parks, Star Wars etc., so it makes it easier to talk without having to struggle coming up with a topic. He calls me mean things like "fat" and "old" now, and sometimes makes me feel bad about not going jogging, but I'm glad that we're just close enough to tease each other without offending.
Anyway I thought about "Friends", because I chanced upon a trailer/music video for 『一週間フレンズ。』Ishuukan Friends (One Week Friends).
Rough Translation:
Hase (Yamazaki Kento):
Fujimiya-san!
Please be friends with me! (killer smile)
I'd definitely not do anything undesirable or troublesome.
Every Monday as usual - whatever happens I'll continue as usual,
so please be friends with me.
Fujimiya (Kawaguchi Haruna):
You're Hase-kun, right?
Hase:
(Adorable AF smile) Yes!
First of all the music Kanade by Sukima Switch is awesome!! And gosh Yamazaki Kento and Kawaguchi Haruna look so good?! But really, Yamazaki Kento has been monopolizing all the anime turned live-action film main roles. He did Heroine Shikkaku, Kuro Ouji to Ookami Shoujo, Orange, Shigatsu Kimi no Uso, and now Ishuukan Friends. And I heard he's gonna do Saiki Kusuo too :O But he's ikemen (Japanese for good-looking guys) and acts really well too, so I don't mind :3
Fujimiya has anterograde amnesia that resets every Monday, causing her to lose memories of the previous week. As such, she does not make friends in school and initially rejects Hase's attempts to be friends with her. However, he persists in being friends with her despite her forgetting him every week. I was thinking "How nice" when I saw this, but it really isn't easy at all. While it's nice that there are people out there who would go out of their way to be friends with, it won't work if the other party just doesn't want to. But I guess we all need at least one good friend to share such priceless experiences with.
