I am living between worlds. I'm neither here nor there. I can be real but I may not actually exist to you. You think you know me but who do you really know?
I am just a soul tied to my body - very much like a person holding onto a balloon, a balloon with my soul.
People all have balloons - some hold theirs so tightly they might burst any moment while others let theirs comfortably drift in. New ones are being blown every minute - different, unique, in all shapes and sizes and colours. Some balloons have been carelessly released and fly off to the place of no return, and others tangle themselves so much they can't float at all.
I'd like to imagine my own balloon - my own soul - adrift high up there, not wanting to be heavily attached and involved, and almost ready to fly off with a simple release of the hand. I feel different from the others. I'm stagnant. I run a little. I stop again. I release the string for fun and grab onto it again. I must not lose my sanity yet.
I am an alien. I am an animal. I am a ghost. I do not belong. I want the opposite of what I really want. Or what I think I want. Or what others think I want. But i'm still here with all the others. Disguised as human. As somebody who is actually another nobody when the balloon is gone forever. And I do not know, under all those guises of humans, who the rest really are - what type of alien, animal or ghost are they? If they remove their masks, will there be another mask underneath?
I live in my own world - a world I have created, the world under my rule. I get visitors sometimes in my dreams - what are you doing there for? get out of my world. get out get out get out. if you have entry I think you do mean something to me but I'm afraid of what you'll think of my world. My ugly ugly world with the familiar nooks and crannies I find comfort in.
I love acting. I am a professional actress in my major production called Life. Watch me hide all insecurities with a confident smile. Watch everyone absorb the drama. Cue the applause.
gosh I've been busy busy busy but blogging and writing in my diary helps me to de-stress so here's a post:) But my diary has been really stagnant - I've only picked it up a few times to read the past entries and laugh at my past self.
Mid year results for Chinese econs and maths are back and i'm like :/ Maths I already expected to do badly cos I have no interest or talent for math whatsoever, and econs i'm like EEEUUUUUAAAARGGHHHHH cos I actually expected to do decently for it yet cos of my terrible structuring and terrible choice of essay question I didn't do well *stomps on econs paper* as for Chinese I did pretty okay,but my paper 2 pulled me down gahh
I'm looking forward to getting back lit and GP, but not geog cos Mr Najib said "My mom told me if I had nothing nice to say I shouldn't say anything" when all of us asked him how was the geog papers that he marked.So i'm expecting to do badly for that even though I prepared really hard for it.
And apart from all these stress and anxiety from the results, I have sickening PW to worry about,Guitar Farewell Party games to organise and my life to mull about. I'm so tempted to lock myself in my room and rot there forever on my one true love - my bed.
Because when things go awry and the world turns its back on you, the lovely bed provides all the comfort you'll need. BED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Life is so bland right now.And what do people always say about bland lives? You need love.
SCREW LOVE I HAVE MY BED.
I'm starting to get a better control over my feelings now, convinced that such feelings are really troublesome cos they can get in the way of a good judgement. Of course I do not swear off guys and go all feminist (girls ARE awesome) - I still melt at pictures of Ryan Reynolds
RYAN REYNOLDS IS HOT.I'm still trying to convince Dawn that Ryan Reynolds is awesome. But both of us have differing tastes. I like broad and buff guys like Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman (Just look at those biceps pecs and abs oh gosh) but Dawn likes thin undernourished feminine looking guys like Tom Hiddleston, the guy who plays Loki.
Oh and the eyesssssss the feature I look at the most are the eyesssssss I LOVE BIG EYES but i'm not blessed with big eyes tsk. Oh man now as i'm writing this post i'm scrolling up occasionally to look at Ryan Reynolds I need help haha
Right now I think I can survive just by looking at these prized specimens of masculine beauty without being in love in real life. I've been able to be normal in school nowadays when I see my eyecandy (the encounters are becoming much less frequent now) so it's PROGESS!
I hope i can survive another 1.5 years in JC and the rest of my life. People around me have their eyes set on snagging that dream job and earning the big bucks, but all I want is to live peacefully. I want to get out of Singapore and live in some other place where i'm surrounded by space, like New Zealand! Ideally I want to work and save up enough money to migrate overseas with my parents if they are willing. If I worry about living and dying alone at some point I can adopt a kid and raise my kid up and be my kid's best friend, like how my mom's my best friend.
And then I will die, either naturally or unnaturally, at a ripe old age or prematurely and be forgotten once my name is uttered for the last time, disappearing into thin air.
The Only Exception by Paramore
When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist
But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh
Now i'm in the colourful mood - MID YEARS ARE OVERRRRRRR
It sucked to have my birthday on the same day as my lit paper. Fancy spending 3h rushing out 3 essays in one sitting in the lecture theatre infamous for being an arctic simulator and a terrible neckache. But it wasn't so bad cos i was given a lot of hugs from the VJC peeps. In VJ I realise people hug a lot, unlike in BP. Or actually people hug MUCH MORE.
I got presents too, which I wasn't expecting at all since I thought nobody would have the time to pick a gift or write a card for me (I SUPER DUPER LOVE HANDMADE CARDS).
Many many thanks and loves to Nicholas, Genevieve and Eric!! Haha I think its a coincidence that my presents seem to follow a certain colour theme of blue and orange cos my cards are blue and the notebooks I received are orange.
The pressies I got were really special - I mean I never got body lotion as a gift especially from a guy, and I love the orange tiger notebook and card,so thanks nic!
Gen got me the cool Cola bottle from London (I feel so touched that you were thinking of me even on your London trip!) and the orange notepad with multi-coloured pages and the cute blue card with the ham and beef illustrations - GO GENEBEEF AND SAMMIEHAMMIE DUO!
Eric's card was quality - I couldn't help laughing so badly when I opened it on the bus home. Apparently since Dawn Eric and Tif couldn't get me a present of my eyecandy kidnapped and placed in a gift box, Eric took the liberty to print an A4 size picture of him,fold him up and place him in a nice 2D box in the card resembling my eyecandy's bag. So now I have an A4 size picture of my eyecandy in my bedroom AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO WITH HIM NOW MUAHAHAHA ok that was uncalled for hahahha. X]
Mom made birthday vermicelli too! It's one of the little things I love on birthdays - a nice bowl of food made with love. Which reminds me I have my mom to thank and congratulate for enduring such a difficult pregnancy and birth of such a dumb alien like me :) I hope life so far has been fine for you and I really enjoy the mother-daughter bonding times we have over lunch meet-ups. Maybe in future I may not be able to spend as much time as I do now so I can't make any promises but I will continue to try my best!
Today after the Chinese papers (which felt like hell) Dawn Danyel Lynn and myself went to I12 Katong to watch Despicable Me 2!! Haha Eric couldn't join us cos of his CLIC leadership camp, Gen had to go visit her Grandad at the hospital and Wenli went to meet her boyfriend so the four of us of the miserable MT group went. It was funny but I felt Monsters Uni was much better. I really liked the minions tho - they looked dumb but I like dumb stuff.
Dawn and I took a fast zipai after the show and I really like this pic:) I think I look better with a spastic face than a normal demure looking smile. My sis just commented that we look alike here...and I can imagine Dawn saying NO WE DO NOT emphatically.
ANW THIS DAWN.SHE...SHE...SHE'S SO MEANNNNNN >< on my birthday after lit she got onto the same bus as my eyecandy (eric hopped onto the same bus last min as well) and the pair of them rascals, Eric and Dawn, started sending me texts with live feed on my eyecandy after I watched them and him drive away in the bus (dammit why can't I take the same bus). THANKS A BUNCH.
Eric texted "he sounds so manly" and Dawn texted "i'm next to him now - he smells good" and "I fell on him - his skin is so smooth" LIKE YEAH ALMOST ALL MY FIVE SENSES ARE ENGAGED NOW. (Eric later commented saying it'd be weird if the sense of taste was included :P) I really have no fate with my eyecandy...maybe Fate was being generous on my birthday by letting me see him after 1 month and 4 days of not seeing him since school ended.
Moving on...
We had Marble Slab ice cream afterwards and started having girl talk, gossips etc. I felt reaaaalllly happy cos I do not have such experiences often even tho it seems like what girls always do.;)
Danyel's pose makes her look like a mom haha.and Dawn looks weird squashing Lynn.
Yeahhhh i wanna have more outings!><
Now that MYEs are over i'm gonna slack like a sack of potatoes this long weekend. Sunday i'm gonna be celebrating my birthday together with my sister Stacey's birthday at some Jap restaurant at Liang Court! So i'll post a pic of them in the next post prob. There are tons of movies i wanna watch - The Lone Ranger (JOHNNY DEPP!!), World War Z (which is prob not screening anymore) and Pacific Rim. So most prob i'll be meeting up with Patrick from VJ to watch a movie! Patrick's been a great source of support by encouraging me on during MYEs so thanks starfish!:)
I shall end the post with funny Hana Kimi clips of Nakatsu and cute pics! I LOVE TOMA IKUTA! haha he's that brown-blonde hair dude who plays Nakatsu Shuuichi and he's really funny.
