Only Human

It's been ages since I last posted! I've been rather busy lately with school and my own ditch of thoughts. But now I have time and the mind to post cos' I'm having flu now (no school tmr whopeeee) and the intensity of my thoughts have died down a lil'.

I'm still down in the dumps, and moping about life and religion almost every waking moment isn't doing me any good. I had started out with ambitions to make a change, but it's so very difficult and trying. I wanted to read the Bible and find enlightenment, pray to find comfort, and live life purposefully pursuing meaning. But it's just so easy to be resigned and succumb to thoughts of futility.

While people around me in school worry about their next step in education, here I am immersing myself in an abyss of thoughts about life and meaning. Seriously. What is wrong with me. I'm always doing things at inappropriate times!

So many things I wanna be, wanna do. But I'm only human. With animalistic tendencies. I want to be genuinely good and blessed from within my heart. But my human nature is to be ugly and warped and cause hurt.

It seems the more I want to be better, the worse I become. Now I find myself an angry person within, and a moody person outside. It sucks because I know it's hard for others around me. And it isn't healthy at all. Little things make me livid, and because it's so trivial I just hold it all back within and let it seep through as moodiness when really all I want to do is to lash out and intentionally hurt someone. I want to scream, tear my hair out and wreck up everything.

Of course I'm not Eeyore 24/7. I have times when I laugh and smile around friends. But it's all shortlived and I reduce to melancholy again. Why can't I just be happy and stay happy?!

I'm really thankful to have my one best friend Dawn to confide in. She's one of the few people I can really be open to, and I don't think I ever have to put on a façade around her.

Meanwhile I will continue to struggle and emerge from this sickening abyss. I will fight, and overcome my own sorry self.

Throwing Off the Covers

 

 

I'm going to try emerging from my blankets and covers. I'm very comfortable just staying put, but I think I should try stepping outside for a bit and test the waters.

 

Yesterday I was so close to deciding to either hide in my room while my parents were in the living room with a few other church mates having a cell group, or even going out to watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty again by myself (loner much lol).

 

But in the end I decided to go visit my church's Young Adults fellowship at the invitation of a church member I just got to know, Sheena. Okay, technically I'm not a young adult yet - I belong to the Youths but having been part of them before it was just plain awkward going back and seeing familiar faces with different selves. But oh well I was still welcomed anyway so I guess it's alright, just that almost everyone else there save one boy my age were either working or in universities.

 

I was apprehensive and awkward at first, being my shy self, but people were nice and talked to me. There was sharing and I think I actually gained something going to the fellowship. There were people who had thoughts like me (under the limbo about faith) and there were people who had gone through that phase. I was given support and encouragement after i shared about myself, and of course I was still awkward but all of it wasn't a waste of my time at all.

 

I'm still moody and all but my spirit's been lifted a little and I don't feel so muddled up and confused like before. I'm going to work towards finding peace, comfort and strength to carry on and seek answers in my life.

 

 

 

I also want to find a permanent comfort, kinda like the same comfort I get (probably you get it too) when i see pictures like this:

 



Spring, Winter, Summer and Autumn.

 



The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

For anyone who's read my blog posts, you should know I absolutely love watching movies. Besides horror, I have an absolute liking to indie and relaxed slice-of-life movies like Letters to Juliet, The Silver Linings Playbook and Juno.

Recently I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty with my family on the suggestion of my sister. I wasn't expecting much from the movie initially because there was very little publicity about the movie that's actually directed by the main actor himself, Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller is well-known for his comedy-genre movies so I was a little sceptical at first.

Apparently 20th Century Fox got this really great trailer maker to create the trailer for the movie, but at that same time a hurricane had hit the Philippines, so the trailer maker asked 20th Century Fox if he could use the sizeable amount of money they paid him to help make a difference for the Philippines. 20th Century Fox agreed so in the end they had to forgo the making of a great trailer, coming up with relatively low quality ones instead.

However the outcome was only so much better because my low expectations were met with a greatly satisfying show with splendid scenery of Iceland and Greenland, city life of New York, accompanied with wonderful indie music.

So The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is kinda like my show of the moment, and whenever I'm working on some document or just travelling to and fro school I listen to the soundtrack over and over again.

 

Jose Gonzalez - Step Out

 

 

Of Monsters and Men - Dirty Paws

 

 

Grace Mitchell - Maneater

I chose my favourite 3 but I love all the songs in the Youtube playlist. It's small things like listening to a great playlist of songs that keeps me going, especially these days when I'm feeling down in the dumps. If I were a Sim I'm very sure my Mood Meter is way down in alarming bright red.

I know it must be irritating for others, and even myself, that I'm walking around with clouds over my head. But things only seem to get worse. Of course I don't pull a long face every moment - I enjoyed myself during guitar ensemble practices. I actually find myself laughing and smiling and talking a lot more during guitar compared to probably the rest of my day. It's probably because in guitar the people there are all genuine and really funny and dorky, and we're all making music together as an ensemble.

I'll try my best to climb out of the ditch I'm in now, and try to be content, for myself if not for others.

Negativity

These days I've been feeling rather poorly... I don't know if it's just one of those pre-menstrual syndromes or what. Kinda like how it feels looking at the picture above - everything seems so blurry and melancholic, watching the sun set marking another closing of a busy weekday with people mundanely returning to their homes.

I do feel excited for what 2014 has in store for me, but I can't help but feel sad and moody. I'm not missing the past, that's for sure. I've already decided to continue into the future, but this said with a weak motivation and goal.

I leave for home after school, or tuition and sit alone on the bus just putting my earphones on and watching the scenery run by. I reach home, greet mom and dad and just go to my room, close the door and fall on my bed, curling up with my bolster until I somehow fall asleep till my parents wake me up. I feel better after sleeping, because whenever I wake up I feel all numb and dumb all over, and the things that trouble me seem more distant.

I'm trying to be more open, but I can't help feeling over-conscious and wind up thinking I'm being disliked or what I say is just stupid, wishing I never had a mouth. I'm beginning to talk less about myself to even mom whom I think I trust the most, or probably the one friend I always feel comfortable being myself to. Everyday I wake up wishing the day would quickly end and I'd be back comfortably in bed with the silence enveloping me. Being alone is when I feel safest because I won't have to worry about the opinions of others.

I just want to escape, because it's so easy to just run away from all the mess of life. Probably go to somewhere like this:

I feel empty, and I feel angry and hateful too. I'm selfish and self-centred. Almost every time when I've had enough of mulling I really want to scream and thrash something. Yknow I read somewhere before that in some country they had a centre for people to wear padded suits and throw ceramic plates at a wall in an enclosed space. I think I would really love that to vent my anger.

I don't even know what I'm angry at. Life perhaps. It's too late, I'm already 17 years alive. No, I'm not suicidal. I am scared of death.

I get so scared when I imagine myself on a sickbed, watching the ceiling, watching the faces around me peer down with expressions that make me sick in the stomach. Knowing that soon I will just leave and i'll never be watching all that. Or fearing whenever I close my eyes, whether I get to open them again.

It's like going to a place no one has been to and come back alive from. I'm already on the wagon to that inevitability. I can't stop it, and while jumping off before I tip off the end of the track over the cliff is an option, I'm not considering that for now. Makes me wish I never got on that wagon. That maybe not existing would save me this sickening feeling of fear.

Maybe it isn't life I'm afraid of. It's knowing. Knowing that death comes for me. The world says Knowledge is Power. But to me, Knowledge is a pathway to imminent hauntings and fear. Afterall, knowledge was part of what made Adam and Eve, and all their descendants which is us, sinners, according to the Bible.

It's us asking why that makes us so scared. An endless vicious cycle. We have knowledge prompting us to ask more questions to feed our hunger, and having more makes us more voracious. Questions without answers.

We need answers.

I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about all these, and I just want to keep my back against a wall in a corner and just stop knowledge from getting to me, because I have enough questions to haunt me as it is.

I just want a simple life free of such aggravating worries. I envy the oblivious animal sometimes. I think they are a lot more content than I am.

Charging forward...on tippy toes

So school starts on Monday AND I DUNNO WHAT TO FEEL.

I mean yeah I miss seeing my schoolmates - both people I know and don't know - everything adds up to the atmosphere, y'know what I mean?

BUT I don't think ill be missing them for long after I've spent a week or so getting back to JC school life.

I'm determined to do better this year, cos' I think I was too carefree last year and A levels is less than a year away. But I'm gonna take things in my stride too, and I don't really take big strides so CHARGING FORWARD...on tippy toes. One hop at a time.

Anyway here's to a productive year!

Mom asked what my resolution is and I replied "Y'know I don't have any because they are SO DIFFICULT to accomplish!"

"I'll make resolutions that are easy."

"Sleep more - I CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT."

"Don't lose any weight, and maybe even add a few more kilograms to top that off - PIECE OF CAKE."

"Don't get involved romantically - I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY."

Haha of course I was joking - I was in my pessimistic grumpy mood at that time. But instead of having specific resolutions, I think I should make things easier to work for. This year, I want to find myself, and be myself.

 

 

Anw here's ending with a really cool photo by National Geographic I found on Stumbleupon.com! I wanna visit places like this - I think it'll really be relaxing and calming for my mind, away from the busy and bustling urban city life.

Somewhere Only We Know

HEY 2014!

nah I'm not really looking forward to this year with it being jam-packed with preps for the A Levels. BUT LETS GO!

Anyway I won't be posting long rubbishy posts (I hope) as often as I used to. Probably can't afford the time to mull through. Writing has always been a way of relieving the pent up pressure in me, because I don't really like talking about my feelings except to a few good friends who are pretty trustworthy.

And I'm not a brilliant writer who aces her lit essays and GP tests with flower power wower language and all sorts of jargon but I am always writing, be it here in my puny blog or in my own personal diary, Qlo. Haha I started naming each volume of diary (I have 5 volumes since primary 5!) after being inspired by the book on Anne Frank's diary which she named Kitty, because it does feel like I'm talking to a friend when I write.

Of course, the stuff in Qlo is much more personal and straightforward compared to what I write here, just in case y'know, someone who knows me reads it and starts bitching about my opinions to others. It does happen, not to me of course because I think I'm pretty much towards the neutral or safe side when it comes to opinions here.

But one day when I am old and failing in memory, I hope to have all my diaries by my side to read and revel in the pains and gains of the past, or probably pass them on to another family member before I die.

Haha I'm writing all these while playing 'Somewhere Only We Know' by Keane covered by Lily Allen. This is one of the few songs I kinda get so close to tearing up to because it's such a sad piece. But whenever I read my entries again, I feel like I'm going back to somewhere only I know, as myself.

The song is for John Lewis advert 2013, The Bear and the Hare, which is really nice. I watched the making of the advert and it's really amazing how they set up the backdrop and setting.