I think young, carefree, childhood innocence is such a precious thing.
At 19 going 20, there are so many things I've experienced and learnt that are enough to make me feel all the negativity usually associated with being all grown up - and there are still many more years of new experiences to go.
I close my eyes and try to recollect the memories as a child.
The world was much bigger then (and still is, but less surprising than it was before), and because we had no sense of limits, we did everything without having to worry about performance. We thoroughly enjoyed activities we related closely with - being able to play a certain sport, to draw art we proudly showed our parents, to relish the friendships we had so much so we couldn't bear to return home after school each day. To adore an older sister or brother, or a teacher and aspire to be like them. To happily proclaim who we wanted to be in future, and imagine ourselves then living a life full of hope and joy. Death and loss was something we felt no sense of gravity with, because we were all very much loved and protected by the adults around us. We could smile and laugh easily - cry and get mad as honestly.
And then we grew up.
We met people who are better at the sport we love, who drew pictures that were more beautiful, who were somehow more popular and attractive - and we learnt envy and shame, holding back and trying to fit in. We learnt how to deceive, and developed different sides of ourselves to protect that child within. Later on, we start to desire solitude because we are afraid of losing ourselves with people. Maybe that older sister or brother or teacher had disappointed our expectations along the way, and we learnt how to be upset and pessimistic. Instead of that simple yet strong ambition we used to have as a child, we are now lost because we have learnt our limits, and have to consider the more realistic details like income, security etc. (Try explaining this to your younger self and they'd probably yawn and ignore you). Having experienced death and loss, we become depressed and start to wonder about the meaning of living and learn fear. Now, we look at ourselves in the mirror or in pictures, and start to scrutinize our smiles because we care about appearances, and we start to vent our emotions in unhealthy ways like gossip and social media, getting nothing solved.
But we also learnt how precious our childhood was, and strive to protect our children's now.
I thought of this as I looked at pictures from the past on Facebook - how I used to love drawing so much my mom would buy sketchbook after sketchbook for me because I filled up all the pages so quickly (and I still have them now), and how I was not only happy from admiration my friends had for this hobby of mine, but also the fact that I had something to be absorbed in. I look at pictures of myself with friends in school, most of whom I had already lost contact with, and remember the fun we had. I adored several adults in my life, some of whom I became disappointed with as I grew. I remember having said I wanted to be a pediatrician, and talked about being doctors with a friend who also wanted to be a doctor (Berlin - in fact, he has gone on to fulfill his dream and is studying medicine now!), drawing little stickman comics in my diary about becoming one. Then I realized I didn't have an aptitude for science and went on to study humanities instead. I think back on depressing entries I wrote about life. I laughed at the way I used to smile - from a carefree, but funny honest smile to one that was obviously an attempt to minimize any unflattering shots.
I want my child if I do have one in future, and all children, to live the best they can not in terms of academics or performance, but with fearless experimenting and exploration, and honest pride and hope. At least when they grow up and start to learn negativity, they have memories to look back at and no regrets for their childhood.
