If only life had a 'Esc' button.
If my life had one, it would've been worn out. Life would then be a peaceful straight line.
Today they were quarrelling again. The usual - he voices his opinion, she defends. She voices her own opinion, he says she's deviating from the subject. He makes his stand again, she accuses him of blaming her and her alone. She talks about how she's not wrong, he raises his voice and defends his view. One of them calls to stop, the other, unsatisfied, tries to reiterate in a different manner.
The never-ending cycle where no one wants to give in at all. Cuts get deeper and reopens old wounds, making the heart sore, the mind heavy, the eyes teary, the voice hoarse. The explanation for why i can't say things like "i want to be happily married like my mom" and " i want to marry someone like my dad".The reason why i am fearful of the idea of marriage. Gamophobic.
I'd usually raise my voice in all youthful indignance and justified rebellion and scream at them to stop it. Why - does arguing over trivial things even make sense? The more you continue, the more painful it gets, and it's not worth it at all.
But today. Today my body was too tired to even try to make things right. Why do i have to right the wrongs of the both of you all the time?I bailed. I walked out. My legs moved on its own and took me straight to the reservoir between the factories and the housing estates. All i had on me was my phone and my keys.
For the first few moments i just stared at the peaceful water - life as how i wanted it to be, undisturbed, comforting and natural. Tears just flowed. 'Why' questions were burning like hot coals in my head. You may be thinking - aren't quarrels common in couples? Why do i make it sound so bad? Well i don't know how other couples quarrel. I don't know if it's because my parents' quarrels are more intense, or whether it's just my resistance level being low. i just.don't.know.
Then i walked. It got increasingly comforting. There wasn't anyone around, except for the one or two walkers who didn't care for a 16 year old girl with unkempt hair walking around with a tear stained face. And that's how i like it. There was the sound of the insects from the grass, interrupted by the occasional soft yawn of the passing MRT train on the overhead tracks. The gentle breeze cooled my cheeks and soothed my lungs. i watched joggers pass by me in the jogging tracks below. i watched the reflections of the factories in the water. i watched as the sky slowly got darker and the streetlights started to illuminate silently.
And then i watched as my phone showed an incoming call from him. I didn't want to talk to either of them. After he said they weren't arguing anymore by text message, i turned home-wards. That dull dread that washed over me on the way home. My mom texted me and apologised for making me upset. I realised i wasn't upset at my parents because i couldn't accept the apology she made. It's life isn't it. Life that is making it so hard for everyone.
I stopped to stroke a stray cat's fur. The feline immediately dropped down and stretched, rolling about in pleasure as i stroked its back. So very like us - when life gives us pleasures, we enjoy it so much, i thought. i got up and continued to walk home. The cat jumped back on its feet and ran up a tree - i thought it was going to leave, but it turned out that it was following me. After a while it gave up and just sat there watching me with those bright eyes as i left. Exactly how we look like when our pleasures have been taken and we can do nothing about it no matter how much we chase after it to get it back.
It's so painful to stay alive.
