Recess week will be over by the end of today, and it's back to school when I open my eyes tomorrow.
There's a quiet wave of dread that washes over me when I think about resuming school - the deadlines, discussions, people. But I breathe in again and tell myself to be brave.
It's not that school's horrible or anything of that sort. It's almost like the feeling a person who has been adrift in the ocean would feel when he identifies the rough rocks ahead and realises that the waves carrying him are propelling him forward, about to crash and break against the boulders. Okay that sounds dreadful enough. But I think I just need to get back into the flow of things and everything will be fine, I guess.
The week has been somewhat productive for me. I managed to get revision and work done, though I could've done more of course. There's no point regretting what I should've or should not have done now that the week is at its end, so I shall just be content.
Work aside, the week has been a rather melancholic one for me since I spent most of my time home alone in my room save for one day. It wasn't lonely at all since I had work to focus on and occasional revels in anime and gameplays, and the control I had over my surroundings suited me well. I was comfortable and happy. Yet moments like these don't last all day - I still had to face the knowledge of reality and its exhausting social exchanges, waiting for me to return.
On Tuesday, I was out for the most of the day alone. I collected my Macbook from school in the morning and brought it home, before setting out again towards town. I was to go shopping for a dress to wear at my sister's wedding occurring about a fortnight from now. It was my first time going out alone to such a commercialised area without a clear agenda other than to just look for a suitable dress I liked.
I wandered the streets and malls of Orchard among throngs of people, disappearing amongst them, losing my identity and feeling the insignificance against such a big world filled with an abundance of people like myself. It was comforting to know I could blend in and still be by myself despite the crowd around me, but it was still exhausting.
I caught Inside Out at The Cathay in the evening after I found my dress, since I was already out and I haven't watched the movie. This was another first - watching a movie alone. Just the thought of doing something - anything even of a scale and significance that small - for the first time excited me a little. Doing things alone isn't as sad and lonely as everyone thinks. I could even laugh naturally when the guy at the ticket counter said "Oh, I guess you're just passing time alone?" with a smile when he realised I was just buying a ticket for myself.
The movie was enjoyable, but the heightened feelings dipped a little afterwards as I stepped out into the cool night air alone and watched the bright city lights around me along with groups and pairs of people laughing and talking as they passed by me. I had mixed feelings. I was feeling comfortable yet a little sad, at peace and yet tired. I took the bus home, leaning my head against the cool windows and watching the lights, the streets, the people run past me as I listened to music on my earphones.
All of it feels like I'm watching a silent movie, and the only sounds I hear are my own thoughts.
The week was not only melancholic, but slow-paced as well even though it flew by quickly. I guess that's why thinking about the fast pace of school makes me stir uncomfortably.
It's time to accelerate again, to see a new dawn.
