か細い声で語る 私の話を聞いて
Listen to my feeble voice’s story
無理に強がるわけじゃないけど あんな風にもう泣かないから
I’m not pretending to be strong but I won’t cry like that again
少しずつずれていく 二人の歩幅がつらい
It’s hard to watch our steps slowly go out of line
雨音にさえ 不意に怯えて はぐれてく二つの傘
Even the sound of rain frightens me as our two umbrellas part.
- Nostalgia by Ikimono Gakari
When I think of the word 'nostalgia', I always have a mental image of an old solitary tree in autumn. I couldn't find a photo on the internet that best depicted that image so I went with one of the beautiful works of Makoto Shinkai.
Nostalgia always looked and felt that way to me. Something you would experience on your own when you have aged and seen the world around you move and morph just like how a tree would watch its surroundings change from its perspective - that is, if trees had feelings like us. You could reminisce the past with friends but we all see and remember different things through those rose-tinted glasses. And autumn, because I associate nostalgia with the feelings of melancholy and longing in my heart when I watch the autumn leaves around me tremble and fall silently to the ground, painting a carpet of red, orange and yellow. Probably because autumn is my favourite season too.
Yesterday evening, I met up with my best friend from secondary 2. Natalie and I didn't meet up or have a proper conversation since we graduated from secondary school, yet those couple or so years didn't reflect any awkwardness in our encounter last evening.
In fact, I was happy to see her again. We spent the few hours at Carpenter and Cook's over croissants, tarts and coffee talking about the past, about our ambitions, our experiences. Sincerity, honesty - these were what I needed and what I got from yesterday's meet up. I had been so tired emotionally for a long time because of life's superficiality.
There's a new hope in me that I could change for the better. I'm really so thankful that I could meet up with Natalie again.
In the spirit of nostalgia, I opened up my diary today, which had already accumulated a layer of dust. It's been a long time since I wrote in those pages. Reading the past events that happened and I had forgotten made me smile, laugh and even pause to recover from sheer embarrassment. Those days were so precious now that I'm looking back from the present. I wish I could meet me from back then and just talk to her.
Actually it's kind of embarrassing, but 80% of my entries recorded in junior college are about that certain senpai and my thoughts and feelings about him - whom I've never even had a proper conversation with! To show you what's real embarrassing, let me read to you (or write out) two extracts from an entry in my diary:
"We had eye contact but I turned away too fast! Qlo*, I'm such an idiot. I finally had guts enough to add him on FB, so technically I'm supposed to be a FRIEND but WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING AS BASIC AS SAYING HI! WHYYY."
"Then today I saw him in the canteen. We made eye contact BUT HE TURNED AWAY. The damage has been done Qlo, I'm now perceived as a cold, unfriendly fat bitch by the one I go crazy for. For sure."
*Qlo is the name I gave to my diary which is a notebook from Uniqlo.
It's embarrassing and mortifying to know that I had thoughts like these back in my school girl days - yet it's something I'm oddly proud of (please don't start viewing me as a creep) because it just goes to show how eventful my school days were. It would be something I would have a good laugh about with friends at reunions(like what I'm doing now, sharing these extracts online because it's all harmless memories now), part of stories I would tell my children or grandchildren if I ever have any in future, or just something to laugh to myself about in my old age, allowing me to relive those days of youth again.
Nostalgia would sometimes lead me to feel gratitude to those who walked with me part way in my journey of life, regardless good or bad memories made. So thank you Natalie, for those times in secondary school and for more to come. Thank you senpai, for being the poor target of my admiration and being a huge part in my JC life even though we don't know each other well.
Will I get to thank everyone? And have I made an impact on other people's lives to gain gratitude for?
