Apprehension

This picture looks similar to another that I used for a previous post, just that it's birds here instead of a solitary plane. I said I'd get my fat ass out there to take pictures but I've been so lazy these days and the only thing I did stick according to plan so far was to run daily. I could do so much better ><

I've been passing time gaming mostly, playing Sims 3 (no surprise there) and PS3! My own PS3 broke down but my brother-in-law lent me his since he'll be overseas so I get to play all my games again and the games he owns additionally! So currently I'm playing Final Fantasy XIII and I LOVE THE GAME DESIGN. I'm a sucker for gorgeous game concepts and design and I have not been disappointed at all. Plus the main character Lightning Eclair Farron is the type of heroine I like - strong, rational and cool. Just that she's a tad bit stubborn and unfriendly at times, making it hard for the other characters to get along with her. BUT IT'S OKAY. Lightning earns her place on the pedestal of game heroines I admire and wanna be, next to Ada Wong and Lara Croft. :)

Even though As are over I still feel this twinge of apprehension in me. Now I've to think about jobs, internships, scholarships etc in addition to all the fun stuff I wanna do. And that itself is pretty overwhelming. As usual, I always knock myself out mentally by thinking about stuff and over worrying. I'm applying for a part time job at MOE as a scorer for a short period, and I'm hoping to get it because it's the only job offer so far that would not clash with my internship at SPH (that is, if I do get shortlisted for the scholarship). Waiting for something is the worst thing ever. I hate that awful feeling in your gut from all the anxiety and apprehension.

I was reading previous blog posts and diary entries from before, and besides the constant repetition of my desire to be stronger, I found that I've always mentioned about being afraid. And then I thought to myself - what am I afraid of exactly? What's the cause of this perpetual fear and anxiety inside me?

It's a little too general to say I'm afraid of life. So I thought I should think of a few examples.

The biggest fear on my mind is probably loss. Losing people important to me. Come to think of it, I haven't really experienced true loss. First, you have to be really close to someone to feel utter loss. Before Dawn I probably didn't have any friend whom I felt I could turn to any time, much less depend on. In fact, I don't think I ever trusted anyone enough outside my family to depend on them, because I always wanted to rely on myself. I was usually the one people would rely on, and that didn't really matter to me. Relatives who passed away were too distant for me to feel any difficulty looking into the coffin windows at their faces. How does anyone ever prepare for loss?

Friends come and go, everybody will one day die. I think of the day when I would attend the funeral of my own family, and I have trouble breathing just at that very thought. I think of 50 year-old Samantha, who would by then have experienced loss, and wonder if the me then would think of her 18 year old self and the memories then when everyone dear to me was alive and breathing. Would I be strong enough, when the time comes, to continue walking down the path of life to the inevitability of my own death?

One fear leads to another. Because I'm afraid of loss, I'm afraid of connection. Of people, the tragic race of beings who cling onto one another for community and love. You'd probably think I'm crazy, but I've had thoughts about how being attached to many people would only cause myself excessive hurt when they leave. I confess that I have never made a connection and dedicated myself to it once. My family is always there, and those familiar connections are built with blood. But friends come and go. Apart from being polite and civil, laughing and smiling along with the crowd, I have never gone out of my way to really make a friendship. Friends who used to be "best friends" are now strangers. Some of them would probably try to continue to hold onto to that connection on their end, but they would eventually give up because I'm the one who lets go first. Dawn was the one who made her way into my life and fixed herself there - I don't think I did anything at the start except to respond and be nice. However not everyone has the patience to reach out that far to you.

I'm afraid of the end. Life's a train track - we are that fast-advancing train towards the end of the line that is death. What's even scarier is nearing the tip of the cliff with multiple regrets loaded on my carriages, bringing them down with me heavily.

These are a few existential fears, with more to come. But it's because of these fears that I always strive to be stronger. To be strong enough to continue down the track of life when those I love are taken from me. To be strong enough to fight the fear of connection and just make friends, and be even stronger to move on when they go. To be strong enough to hold my ground, and defend my weak self against those who dare to contend with me and bring me down. To be strong enough to charge towards the end with a light heart. And to be strong enough to protect those I love.

Haha I hope all of these aren't just talk. I really want to be strong. I want to be a fighter. I'm not a feminist but I sometimes take on an antagonistic stance towards men for treating us lightly. All the more I'm not a feminist because I look down on my gender kind for being damsels in distress. Aside from having boobs and missing balls I am no different from anyone - I'm a human being. I can be strong. I love this spirit in me, though sometimes it works pretty badly because when someone questions my view (that is not helpful in a way like pointing out my flaws), I get really angry because I assume almost immediately that the opponent looks down on me and is challenging me.

Anyway on a lighter note, my niece is gonna be named Elysa Chin! :)

Begin

A Levels ended last Friday!

I feel a little lost, now that the thing I've been working towards is done and behind me. Onwards, to the future now. I'm going to start building myself up to be stronger.

Right now I feel just like that minibus, running steadily on the smooth flat sand with no particular destination, with the tall sky above me and the endless sea extending far beyond what I can see. I love looking at the horizon of the sea. There's a highway that I'd travel to school on in the mornings on a usually near empty Bus 36 between the city area and Kallang, and at 7 am you could see the sun rising, casting a sort of magical glow on the sea beyond the Marina Barrage. I love looking out of the window when I travel, and this is the place I love most doing that.

When I look at the fine quivering line between the sky and the sea in the horizon, I feel a sense of hope and a tinge of adventure thinking of what lies far beyond in the distance. That somewhere far away, something awaits me. That almost absurd feeling of running away from reality and diving into nothingness. Immerse myself in my own world, drinking in the silence, being at peace. I like that.

I'm afraid too. And all the more I want to be stronger. I drew some inspiration about fear and strength these few days from reading the manga Bleach. I found my old love for anime and manga from reading Bleach, because it was the first few animes I watched back in Primary school together with classmates who shared my interests.

There's this part where Urahara was training the protagonist Ichigo on how to fight, and Urahara said this while sparring with Ichigo:

When you're dodging, you're "afraid of getting hit."

When you're attacking, you're "afraid of hitting me."

When you're protecting someone, you're "afraid of them dying."

Your sword is filled with fear!

It's pathetic! You can't give into fear in a fight. It won't help you at all.

When you're dodging, think "I won't let you hit me!"

When you're attacking, think "I'm going to cut you!"

When you're protecting someone, think "I won't let you die!"

See? See this? In my sword...

Do you see my determination? Do you see "I am going to cut you in half?"

That's right. I am going to turn my fear into power. 

I was thinking about my true motivations about wanting power. Besides my fantasies about a zombie apocalypse, I truly want to be strong, to prove my worth. I won't stand for weakness, I don't want to be the helpless damsel in distress cowering in the corner, waiting for others to comfort me, pity me or pretend to help me. Looking back at the phase when I was all miserable and depressed, I felt so weak and useless. I'm not willing to show people my weak side. 

Because in my own personal opinion, I hate it most when an able person exposes his/her flaws, expecting sympathy, complaining when none comes. And this applies to myself. "Don't like it? Fix it and change it. Otherwise shut up and stop complaining and whining, you miserable weakling." I managed to do something like this recently, and I feel so much better and more confident.

I have an ex-partner, both in the relationship sense and the work sense, because I was in a brief relationship with this guy before both of us became the core leaders of our CCA in secondary school. Between the change there was a period when we both avoided each other because our relationship ended with an unresolved misunderstanding, and after we were assigned to lead the band together we clashed frequently, wanting to beat each other. The competition between us suited us very well because it made us stronger leaders. I lost in the end, because even though we went through the same ordeal together, he gained something very valuable while I left with empty bitter feelings of defeat.

When we broke up 4/5 years ago he never said why and I never asked why. I was too afraid to know. I didn't like how rumors flew around after the separation, but I didn't do anything to confront him. I knew I was called a 'slut' but I just kept quiet. So I told him in the conversation 2 days ago, saying I wanted to talk about what happened before, and I wanted to know why. And so we started being very honest with each other, explaining to each other our own sides of the story. I think it was probably hard for him because he probably wasn't prepared for such a confrontation, but gradually we started having fun talking about the past, clearing up that malignant misunderstanding. We apologized and laughed, and it feels like all past tensions from before had already disappeared.

I felt like I was finally released from that teeny bit of vengefulness lingering in me back in my high school days, and it was easier to move forward. I was proud of myself for confronting my past, and I told him that, and he congratulated me. I didn't feel like I lost anymore. My ex-partner is someone I respect a lot, someone whom I saw as a powerful figure and wanted to overtake, someone whose acknowledgement is sufficient for me to know that I have what it takes to be even stronger.

And I will be stronger. I will be the strongest I can ever be. Begin.

My Daytime Shooting Star

Just recently (2 days ago?) Vernice introduced a manga she was reading...AND NOW I'M HOOKED.
This isn't the most appropriate time to be caught up in some distraction but I feel so HAPPY reading this manga!

It's called Hirunaka no Ryuusei (Daytime Shooting Star), a shoujo-type manga about a countryside girl called Suzume Yosano who comes to live with her uncle in Tokyo and gets caught up in some love triangle with her popular and charismatic (and smoking hot) teacher Shishio Satsuki (24 years old), and her cool and aloof classmate Mamura Daiki (16 years old) who doesn't really interact much with girls.

When I read the manga on the first day, just 6 chapters in I already did the following hundreds of times over:

1) Scream (softly) to myself
2) Bury my face into a pillow
3) Throwing my phone (on my bed) and flailing about wildly
4) Pounded my pillow with my fists
5) All of the above in succession

Shishio-sensei is the real killer. He is charismatic, cool, humorous, mature, cute, good-looking, dresses well etc etc ETCCCCCCC (KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) *HEART BURSTS INTO SMITHEREENS*

HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE SHISHIO-SENSEI! He looks gorgeous with and without glasses even I can't even...But since Shishio is a teacher of course the romance between Suzume and him is kinda forbidden. Vernice likes the other guy Mamura though.
Mamura is really cute because he can't touch girls (and girls can't touch him ooooh) or else he'll turn red.

And he's really cool too because he found out (through his own observations) that Suzume and Shishio kinda have a thing for each other and went to confront Shishio (SO COOL). Whenever Suzume's down or whatever and Shishio can't help her (because he's a teacher), Mamura goes and cheer her up in his own cool and aloof way. So Shishio and Mamura has this rivalry going on which is OOOOOOOHHHH SMOKING HOT.

Okay I'm fangirling WAY too much. Of course these are purely my fictional fantasies (and pretty unhealthy ones too). But there are some minor elements which I envy and wish to experience too. Of course I won't be so unrealistic as to expect all the cliche and mushy plots these mangas have.

For example Suzume bought Shishio a neck tie for his birthday, and since she didn't know what pattern he likes and has bad fashion sense she got him a sushi-pattern necktie (because that's her favourite food) LOL.

Shishio who usually has very good style wore the tie the next day and became a laughing stock for the students. However he scolded them and retorted that it was his favorite tie and even though Suzume felt bad for embarrassing Shishio she felt happy  that he wore it and even regarded it as his favourite.

I'd also want a guy who'd wear something that I bought for him and regard it as his favourite accessory even though it's embarrassing or doesn't suit him at all!

Haha I've finished it right up to the latest chapter and now I'm having withdrawal symptoms gosh. I'm following 4 mangas now including this (Skip Beat!, Inu X Boku SS, Corpse Party), waiting for new chapters to come for all of them. 

Oh and yesterday was Dawn's birthday so after Lit we went to City Hall because I needed to buy Tokyo Banana for my mom. We went to have lunch together at some Ramen place (the ramen was awesome) aaaaaaand i guess that's how we celebrated poopface's birthday!

A lot of our peeps from school ship the both of us, but sorry to disappoint you we're really just the best of friends haha. Although sometimes I do feel like I act the role of her boyfriend or something by being the more mature and calmer of the both of us LOL. Besides, Dawn has her Lego and I have...I have Shishio sensei <3 Damn I really miss the feeling of being in love actually.

I suddenly felt like drawing after a LOOOOOONNNGGG time so I decided to try drawing a manga-version of myself. Of course I'm not an Art student so my drawing is neither brilliant nor is it realistic cos I did try to make myself look good.

I'm pretty proud of the hair though - I took a picture of myself and started copying my hairstyle from the photo to make it look as realistic as possible. Sad to say my eyes aren't that big and my nose isn't small and pointy at all and I never ever look glam like that BUT I TRIED HAHAHA.

Superwoman

I shouldn't be sitting down here writing a post in the midst of the A Levels. BUT SCREW IT I will write a post. I'll survive this ordeal by keeping my eyes on the future and staying hopeful. So I'll be writing on what I wanna do after As :)

My life goal is to be strong and powerful. And to achieve that I believe that steps should be taken to improve on my physical strength, confidence and skills. Right now I'm as good (or bad) as a gigantic human-shaped sponge because all I do is eat, and sleep and laze around while studying. I've really piled on a lot of weight but I'm not going to let it get me down like before because seriously no one looks at you when they are so preoccupied with their own worries. I was looking through photos on Facebook one day and found a picture of me in early Sec 2 as a Student Councillor during the Sec 1 orientation and I was appalled at how different I looked.

I was SOOOOO SKINNY back then. And tanned. And seriously I don't think I knew how to smile back then because look my my mouth - pressed downwards like a sad face. On second look, I think I look pretty creepy here HAHA.

I'm improving on my confidence socially now through reading out loud from my TIMES magazines (like a news anchor) at home, putting in more effort in keeping a live conversation going (to do that I pretend I'm a radio deejay) and carrying myself with more power such as maintaining eye contact and keeping good posture. I try not to shy away when someone intimidates me and challenge myself mentally to stand my ground. Anna Akana's video on confidence is pretty helpful. I'm aiming for a confidence level like Anna Akana's because when she speaks she really engages people, and everyone wants to listen to her. Plus she sounds good too.

I wanna try lots of things after As so to keep it short I'll just make a list:

In no specific order of importance,

1. Learn Japanese (in preparation for March's trip to Tokyo!)
2. Run everyday
3. Learn Jiujitsu
4. Learn how to ride a motorbike and get a license
5. Learn drums
6. Work at some firm related to media
7. Write a story
8. Go on a photo-taking adventure around Singapore
9. Make short films and music videos
10. Read the Bible and the Qur'an
11. Meet up with significant friends from before
12. Grow a cherry tomato plant
13. Try shooting at a shooting range

These are all I can think so far. Y'know the funny thing is this. I've had this inspiration to be strong for a long while now, but I think it was because of the Resident Evil series. My first encounter with the game series (the movie ones aren't as original as the games but I do watch them to see the similarities) was in sec 4 when I tried a RE5 demo on my PS3 (RIP PS3) and nearly died out of fear and angst. I went on to watch the entire gameplay walkthrough on YouTube and I was hooked. At that time RE6 was about to be launched and I was just so so so excited to watch the walkthroughs online because I couldn't play it myself (besides I'd probably suck at it).

From then on I started fantasizing about a zombie apocalypse and pictured myself surviving through it like the RE characters. And I figured that if I were to be in an apocalypse I have to increase my chances of survival. Throughout the game the characters use guns and arms or engage in physical combat, and occasionally hop onto or hijack a car, a motorbike or a chopper to make their great escape. I don't think I would be capable of any of those actions naturally so I want to be able to at least be fit enough to run and fend for myself or escape on some form of vehicle. I'm probably taking my RE craze a tad bit too far but it doesn't hurt to be prepared haha.

There's this guy from the Art class in my school who's obsessed with army-related stuff, and he always has this weaponry-belt sort of thing with him. Whenever I visit my Art friends in the Art Room I'd occasionally see him doing weird stuff like suddenly launching into a forward roll, treading about like some sort of soldier inspecting a place etc. People in school would probably recognize him by now and sometimes derive entertainment from watching him. But I was telling my friend that if an apocalypse broke out he'd probably be the one with the highest chances of survival.

Of course not all my goals are purely motivated by my fantasies. I also want to develop myself in other areas and be a more capable person. I want to be someone whom I would meet and think to myself "Wow, she's so cool." or "I want to be like her." Most importantly I want to be someone who would do things that others probably wouldn't do and inspire them to do the same. For example, as someone who really values pure honesty, I would want to be someone who'd confront some girl who probably talked behind my back, or go up to someone from way before and clear up some prior misunderstanding over some food. You can't go wrong with being honest I believe.

Anyway it's confirmed! Little Chin is a girl, and she will be my NIECE! I was a little disappointed though because I would've liked to have a nephew. After watching the KBS 'Return of Superman' series, I'm more convinced about wanting to raise one or more children. I would like to have sons though, because I think girls are harder to deal with emotionally than boys being one myself! I was telling my mom that even if I don't get married, I'd still adopt a child to raise.

But there's another dilemma about raising children. I don't really trust maids or child care centres somehow so I want to be able to raise my own kid. But unless my husband is very financially secure or I have some awesome job that pays well with short working hours (or allows me to work from home), I'd still have to get someone else to help with bringing up the kid when I'm away at work. Of course my mom would probably be happy to help but I foresee that she'd also be helping my sisters' kids so I should at least have alternatives. So I thought of an idea - I could set up my own business such as opening a cafe and look after my kids at the same time! It's not gonna be easy, but I really want to be able to give my child the best I can and see to it that my kid grows up well.

Another piece of good news: we're probably gonna adopt a second dog! My family and I've gone to see the 8-year old female long haired dachshund (same breed as Skippy) called Mochi last week, and we're going to see if she gets along with Skippy when we bring her back to our house on 14 Nov. We're thinking of changing her name if we do actually keep her, because all the dogs we've raised so far have been named names starting with 'S', and Mochi is a little weird for us to call a dog. We've thought of 'Skittles' (my personal favourite), 'Shortcake' and 'Sarsi' but we still haven't decided on a good name :/

All of these are my happy thoughts, very useful in this very trying period. I'm not going to let some examination take control of my life because regardless of the results I still have a life to live. I don't know when this life would end, so I'm going to live to the fullest as much as I can.