Begin

A Levels ended last Friday!

I feel a little lost, now that the thing I've been working towards is done and behind me. Onwards, to the future now. I'm going to start building myself up to be stronger.

Right now I feel just like that minibus, running steadily on the smooth flat sand with no particular destination, with the tall sky above me and the endless sea extending far beyond what I can see. I love looking at the horizon of the sea. There's a highway that I'd travel to school on in the mornings on a usually near empty Bus 36 between the city area and Kallang, and at 7 am you could see the sun rising, casting a sort of magical glow on the sea beyond the Marina Barrage. I love looking out of the window when I travel, and this is the place I love most doing that.

When I look at the fine quivering line between the sky and the sea in the horizon, I feel a sense of hope and a tinge of adventure thinking of what lies far beyond in the distance. That somewhere far away, something awaits me. That almost absurd feeling of running away from reality and diving into nothingness. Immerse myself in my own world, drinking in the silence, being at peace. I like that.

I'm afraid too. And all the more I want to be stronger. I drew some inspiration about fear and strength these few days from reading the manga Bleach. I found my old love for anime and manga from reading Bleach, because it was the first few animes I watched back in Primary school together with classmates who shared my interests.

There's this part where Urahara was training the protagonist Ichigo on how to fight, and Urahara said this while sparring with Ichigo:

When you're dodging, you're "afraid of getting hit."

When you're attacking, you're "afraid of hitting me."

When you're protecting someone, you're "afraid of them dying."

Your sword is filled with fear!

It's pathetic! You can't give into fear in a fight. It won't help you at all.

When you're dodging, think "I won't let you hit me!"

When you're attacking, think "I'm going to cut you!"

When you're protecting someone, think "I won't let you die!"

See? See this? In my sword...

Do you see my determination? Do you see "I am going to cut you in half?"

That's right. I am going to turn my fear into power. 

I was thinking about my true motivations about wanting power. Besides my fantasies about a zombie apocalypse, I truly want to be strong, to prove my worth. I won't stand for weakness, I don't want to be the helpless damsel in distress cowering in the corner, waiting for others to comfort me, pity me or pretend to help me. Looking back at the phase when I was all miserable and depressed, I felt so weak and useless. I'm not willing to show people my weak side. 

Because in my own personal opinion, I hate it most when an able person exposes his/her flaws, expecting sympathy, complaining when none comes. And this applies to myself. "Don't like it? Fix it and change it. Otherwise shut up and stop complaining and whining, you miserable weakling." I managed to do something like this recently, and I feel so much better and more confident.

I have an ex-partner, both in the relationship sense and the work sense, because I was in a brief relationship with this guy before both of us became the core leaders of our CCA in secondary school. Between the change there was a period when we both avoided each other because our relationship ended with an unresolved misunderstanding, and after we were assigned to lead the band together we clashed frequently, wanting to beat each other. The competition between us suited us very well because it made us stronger leaders. I lost in the end, because even though we went through the same ordeal together, he gained something very valuable while I left with empty bitter feelings of defeat.

When we broke up 4/5 years ago he never said why and I never asked why. I was too afraid to know. I didn't like how rumors flew around after the separation, but I didn't do anything to confront him. I knew I was called a 'slut' but I just kept quiet. So I told him in the conversation 2 days ago, saying I wanted to talk about what happened before, and I wanted to know why. And so we started being very honest with each other, explaining to each other our own sides of the story. I think it was probably hard for him because he probably wasn't prepared for such a confrontation, but gradually we started having fun talking about the past, clearing up that malignant misunderstanding. We apologized and laughed, and it feels like all past tensions from before had already disappeared.

I felt like I was finally released from that teeny bit of vengefulness lingering in me back in my high school days, and it was easier to move forward. I was proud of myself for confronting my past, and I told him that, and he congratulated me. I didn't feel like I lost anymore. My ex-partner is someone I respect a lot, someone whom I saw as a powerful figure and wanted to overtake, someone whose acknowledgement is sufficient for me to know that I have what it takes to be even stronger.

And I will be stronger. I will be the strongest I can ever be. Begin.