Traveler

There are so many things i want to be, want to do.

But there's so little time - even though I'm still in my adolescence i feel an underlying fear that seems to claw its way through my gut...and i just feel so uneasy.

I want to experience the world. I want to be everywhere and everything, just to know how it feels like.
I want to know how it feels like to be among the throngs of people in a bustling, crowded city centre, or a zen-filled temple by the countryside; be on top of a snow-capped mountain, or down in the depths of the oceans.

I want to feel the security and confidence of a high-flyer, and the constant fear of a refugee, and the hopelessness of the impoverished and starving.

My greatest ultimate fear is that nearing the end of my life that is so small and insignificant compared to the world, I will lose sleep thinking of all the things i could have done in my youth, the regret gnawing through silently yet painfully as i lie on my sickbed.

I want to be a traveler. A traveler who loves the world but can't form an attachment to one place. The world would be my home, but to the people i meet i would be a homeless traveler who can't exactly return to the same place.

But as spectacular as my dream sounds, it is almost impossible.

I'm too cowardly, and to embark on such a journey would mean a life of no rest - just constant exploration.

Like so many other people in the world, I also have an innate longing to settle down comfortably doing the things i love with the people i love.

But I'll always have a dream to explore and find something new and enlightening just around the corner.

Perfect Fifth 2014: Night to Remember

Perfect Fifth 2014 ended with a bang yesterday night. As we strummed our last and the curtains closed, I felt a bittersweet feeling as all our efforts for the past few months culminated and finally ended.

I had so much fun.

I can still remember a bunch of us going around hugging each other behind the curtains before the concert started. We knew this was it.

I really miss everyone truthfully even though i'm relieved that i can finally focus on my studies now that guitar is over. I don't know what to say. I just feel like going to everyone and giving them one last hug.

Here's a lil cute video featuring my adorbs section mates (in order of appearance): Jingxiu, Juliana, Vernice and Sushi :3

I'm only posting the day pics cos they are clearer and nicer (and more artistic haha) than the post-concert ones!

What really made my night was when my beautiful classmates came to not only congratulate me and give me flowers, but tell me that they truly enjoyed the performance and that our concert impressed them :)

Satisfaction.

Anyway I've been watching Natsume Yuujinchou again. 

It's such a beautiful anime, about an introverted boy called Natsume Takashi who has the ability to see Youkai and Ayakashi (Ghosts and spirits) and inherits his deceased grandmother Natsume Reiko's Yuujinchou (Book of Friends) which contains names of the ghosts and spirits she challenged and defeated. The names in the book act as contracts of service, hence anyone who controls the book has the power to control the spirits whose names are in it. However, Takashi seeks to help the Ayakashi, and returns them their names with Madara, or Nyanko-sensei acting as his bodyguard and mentor since Takashi promised to leave him the Yuujinchou after he dies.

The ending song of Zoku Natsume Yuujinchou (season 2) is really nice - Aishiteru by Kourin. It's so soothing, plus it was covered by IU before!

Don't.

I don't like how I am these few weeks.

I don't enjoy being unhappy. I do not ask for people to pity me and feel sorry for my pain. I don't want to have these ugly emotions.

I'm afraid of so many things, and I am so tired.

Sometimes i question if i have a right to be unhappy. I do know of people who probably have a lot more on their back compared to myself, yet I act as if the world owes me. I don't like how I am that way. Why can't I be stronger?

I feel worse when people ask me if I'm alright, because i fear that i may seem like one of those girls who seek attention, saying "I woke up this morning crying" on their Twitter and all. I am thankful you asked.

But do you really mean it? Are you just saying it for the sake of it?

Forgive me for being rude and unreasonable for the concern you give. But I don't know anymore.

I don't want you to pity me. I DON'T NEED YOU TO PITY ME.

I am not a child, I do not need you to smile at me and offer your hand. Who do you think you are?

Don't give me empty promises. Don't give me false hope. Don't say you'll help me if you can't.

I'd rather you tell me straight that you can't, you shan't, and you won't, instead of being unintentionally cruel and giving me hope. You mean well, I know. Don't say you'll help me, and leave me to wait for you to get back to me until you remember because all that i get is crushed bits of the useless hope i had held onto earlier. Why don't you be honest? I don't mind if you hurt me by being honest because i can move on.

More than being assured, I need to move on.

But right now I just want to be alone. Being around people is so tiring. I end up having to worry about what you think. I want to be there for you as much as you are there for me. But what i say and what i think have become two different entities. I don't want to give you my false front. I don't want to smile when I'm not happy. I'm so tired.

I don't want to go to school. All I want to do now is to stay in my room, stay in bed, and watch the world move from there. I feel so much safer and calmer there. The only day when my mood was better was Friday because I couldn't wait to get away from people.

When I'm out there I feel so vulnerable. I hold back from wanting to run away and cry because I don't want to look stupid in front of others. And i know if i cried people would worry - why should i be the one to add on to their worries? I do know, because last week i was too weak and i let loose during practice. I had been dealt a small blow from the teachers in charge emotionally and it was all i could do to force up a smile, apologise for my shortcoming and get away as soon as possible.

Get away? Yes i want to get away, far from here. Far from everyone i know. Far from civilisation. I hate being human. To be human is to feel and to love. Humans need other humans, giving rise to community. But we hurt each other too. I don't want to hurt anyone, and no one likes to be hurt.

I'm not strong. I can't hide my weaknesses. I must have looked pathetic. When my section mates asked if i was okay I couldn't suppress those stupid, stupid emotions anymore. I said I was okay and forced up a smile but it was too late. I'm not okay.

I've been hearing "Are you okay?" and "You look sad" way more times than ever these few weeks. And it's telling me something. I need to be stronger. If i was stronger i wouldn't have people possibly worrying and trying to offer me help they can't give. I wouldn't be so weak, faltering easily.

I don't like how I am. I have ugly feelings, ugly thoughts. I am slowly becoming a fake. All my fears are culminating into some weak defence that repels people more and more from me.

Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Leave me alone if you don't actually bother.