Confrontation

https://www.catster.com/cat-behavior/stop-cats-fighting

Lately, my interactions with people in school and in the dormitory has got me reflecting on human nature and how people deal with confrontation - regardless whether they're on the receiving end of it or initiating one on someone else. Back in Singapore, people tend to be confrontational most of the time which can be both good and bad. It's great during projects when you don't have the time to be tripped up by unnecessary issues, and bad when it stems from taking offense from a silly misunderstanding and blowing it up into a brawl (which happens quite a lot in MRTs haha). Singaporeans are generally a very vocal bunch (i.e. they complain A LOT) and as one myself, I do consider myself quite a confrontational person.

Though confrontation comes with its downsides and unpleasantness, I generally prefer it more than inaction because the latter gets me feeling uneasy, especially since I tend to get very insecure and self-conscious, constantly drowning in an ocean of thoughts from overthinking. It's just so much better to suss it out before things get worse, and move on with life and other more important things.

Not everyone feels comfortable with confrontation of course - I know it can be scary and heart-pounding to carry out or receive one. I've been there many times, contemplating if I should confront someone about something. It's so much easier to brush the issue off and avoid confrontation because that takes virtually no effort at all - yet I think most people don't actually feel better from that. They might say "Hey, I've avoided potentially aggravating the problem and nothing has changed - soon everyone will forget it and let it go." While this sounds about right, in reality it doesn't always happen that ideal way:

Number one, not everyone can forget it and let it go. Sure, you might have prevented a troublesome situation from happening at that moment by doing nothing. But when questions are left unanswered and suspicions unconfirmed, negative thoughts and feelings fester and take a much longer time to get over - by then it's too late to confront them without things getting awkward.

Number two is an extension from One. When one gets increasingly bothered by an unresolved issue, there needs to be an outlet for those emotions. Some people can suppress it very well, but others fail terribly and start becoming passive aggressive. I'm starting to hate this phrase a lot more now because it doesn't make sense at all. Sure, it is an actual term used to describe a person who's pissed but doesn't want confrontation. But to me these people are just aggressive - desiring to express anger and inflict discomfort without having to own up to it and selfishly wanting others to do something about it. Nothing has changed? Yeah right, now we have a super awkward situation where everyone can obviously see you're mad about something but can't do anything about it because they're "not allowed" to assume you're angry about something. Tell me, how passive is that?

In the process of it all, so much time is wasted, friendships are weakened and it's just exhausting. Not every occasion demands a confrontation of course. For example, I consider many factors such as "Will this bother me in future if I don't deal with this now?" and "Is this a close friend who would understand, or someone with whom I will work with closely again so that confrontation would be worth it?". I know myself best, and if I know that I will beat myself up mulling over the issue later I'd rather save the energy and say something about it now. If it's with a friend or workmate I need to build a relationship of effective teamwork and trust, then I rather be honest with them even if it comes to unpleasant things. Otherwise if it's just a person who just happened to cross my path at this point I don't think it's worth it to clear things up.

I didn't really see the benefit of confrontation till my time in VJC since I'd always been of the mindset that I should be on everyone's "good side" and avoid any possible risk of offense. But when I saw how refreshingly efficient and strong the communication was among the students there, I was inspired to be the same. I admired how confident and real everyone was, and how they had no qualms calling out someone on a mistake or misunderstanding because that's just all it is - a mistake to be ratified and nothing personal beyond that. There weren't any hard feelings, and everyone just moved on. I learnt that if we keep dwelling in our own self-consciousness and image, fearful of stepping on toes - it costs not just us but everyone else around a whole lot more.

I'm still learning though, and I do struggle sometimes when it comes to things that are harder to confront, like any small dissatisfaction or misunderstanding I used to have with Cam. Yet because I know the costs of inaction, I push myself to do it. It gives me a sense of relief and pride when I get over the issue, and when I hear the truth rather than believe the delusions of my mind. I really do hope that more people around me would appreciate how confrontation can be helpful instead of it being scary and problem-aggravating.

Living the Tokyo Life

It's been a looooong while since I wrote here but I'm currently procrastinating on my Japanese discussion essay and don't really feel like watching a show or playing a game at the moment too, so I figured I'd write a post. At least writing makes me feel like I'm doing something somewhat productive haha.

So if you don't already know from the title, I'm currently living in Tokyo for one year as I study at Waseda University! It's always been a little dream of mine since I was 12 to stay in Japan for an extended duration just to experience and see for myself what it's like to live in the land where so many of my interests hail from. Two months in and I must admit that the reality of living here doesn't quite meet my expectations despite them having been primed and cautioned by the personal experiences of my boyfriend and friends who've spent at least a year here in Japan.

Apart from the first couple of days moving here, I've settled into my new lifestyle in Tokyo pretty well. The first few days came as a little bit of a shock for me due to the sudden change in environment and having to come to terms with being alone and away from friends and family, and consequently dealing with most things on my own. I spent the first night on a really long Skype call with my boyfriend Cam just talking to him because I was still anxious and unable to relax despite being sleep-deprived for more than 12 hours.

But subsequently I got settled in pretty smoothly. The fact Singapore imports so many store chains and products from Japan like Daiso and mirin etc makes shopping less of an intimidating feat for me as compared to my Indian and Serbian dorm mates who've never seen many of the things they sell here before. I became somewhat of a little walking encyclopedia of Japanese products since they'd ask me about what a product was and how it's used etc. Google Maps and the iPhone weather app are now two very well-acquainted friends since I rely on them a lot almost on a daily basis. Trains here are complicated AF and for some reason the rain here is a lot more unpleasant to deal with than in Singapore so I always have to be ready with an umbrella on days it's forecast to rain. I began my first couple of weeks stuttering through conversations in my rusty Japanese with cashiers and store staff, before observing and mimicking how the customer in front of me would interact and answer queries about point cards or whether you need a plastic bag. And because of the way I dress and do my make-up here, I get mistaken a lot for a local Japanese by classmates and store staff - whether or not that works to my advantage it's still too early to judge.

Japan is great but there are many aspects in which I feel lose out to Singapore. Communication and expression feels a lot less restricted and open back home, but this is due to culture and language with their differences in social expectations and implications. Food here is great but lacking in variety, so much so there are times I would actually get sick of rice and noodles and not feel like eating anything (which is unthinkable for a glutton like me). Most things are done in paperwork here which can be quite a chore for someone who's used to things being done online. The list goes on, and I'm not really complaining or ranting about the way things are here (maybe a bit haha) but it does make me appreciate things I might have taken for granted back home.

I miss Mom and Dad, my sisters and of course my loyal companion Skippy (he turns 16 today!), and the weekly skype calls home make me feel a little bittersweet as I look at them through the little screen and think of how drastically infrequent our interactions have become. But I feel like this is part of learning independence, and getting a taste of what it'll be like to move on from my current stage of life to the next in future. It's not 100% pleasant being away from home like this, but I feel like this is a necessary experience to have to prepare me for the future.

I'm also beginning to grow more independently in my thoughts. I see it evidently in my relationship with Cam. Even though we started out as an LDR I was still very much limited in my understanding and patience since I was in Singapore for the most part and couldn't empathize with Cam's experience of living overseas. But now that our roles are switched (I'm staying in Japan now while he's home in Perth) I'm beginning to see how it can't be helped at times we get caught up with things  set in a foreign environment and fail to notice the littlest details that might bother us at some point (well it's mostly me always having a bone to pick with him haha). I feel like this relationship isn't as hard to keep up as I previously misunderstood. Of course it helps that we skype almost if not everyday - I don't think a lot of couples out there in LDRs get to or probably want to do that due to busy schedules and time differences. It doesn't change the fact that I miss my man very very much but I will see him in a few months when he flies over, so in the meanwhile this will suffice.

Getting used to life here in Tokyo to the point it becomes "normal" sounds great to most, but a part of me doesn't want that. If things become reduced to a norm - a daily mundane routine - I feel like I would lose that motivation to go out to explore or try new things to grow myself while I can. I only have a year and I don't want it to be the case where I approach the end and regret not doing more with my time here. With that in mind, I want to continue living this Tokyo life with a vibrant outlook - so hopefully I'll fill out the pages of my diary and maybe this blog too with those adventures.