I'm so confused right now.

I'm just running and running and running. I'm so tired but I'm afraid to stop. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm running from.

I have so much on my mind right now. I've just written two long posts and then jabbed my index finger on the Backspace button, watching as the screen full of text vanished line by line, one after another. This isn't right, This is all a farce. I'm not being honest with my own thoughts. I'm composing whole entries of text that I ponder in my head, making sure they sound right, that they sound good. These aren't my raw, pure thoughts anymore.

These are my delusions. Stop lying to myself, me. Enough.

Wanna Be

Heh okay I'm recycling photos now - gosh I really want to just get out and ruminate around Singapore with a camera to take photos! This photo was from my collection meant for the Perfect Fifth programme booklet but since the teachers didn't want specific members in photos I let the Publicity team have them for the posters. This is one of my fav photos!

I've been all cooped up preparing for the As. 

And I'm raring to get out there and do things I've never dared to do. 

I even have a bucket list in my phone Notes of the things I want to do after this national exam is over, both long term and short term goals. 

But most of the things I want to do are stuff I believe would make me stronger both in and out. And generally that's my life goal - to be a strong woman (like Ada!<3)! I've always been a goody-two shoes, safe and secure sort of person who usually goes by the book and over worries herself about consequences, and I find that I'm restricting myself from maxing out my full potential that way.

If I could be more spontaneous and vibrant without constantly pondering about the consequences, I think I would be a lot more happier and so would others around me. 

I want others to see me as someone unperturbed by opinions, relaxed and easy going at my own pace. I want to be able to smile and say yes when someone invites me to do something daring. I want to be able to tell someone offensive that he's being a dick without keeping it to myself and wondering why he's being so mean. Or I'd even want to be carefree enough to go up to a guy I like and tell him in his face that I like him just because. "I really like you, yknow, I think you're really cool."

I'm probably too uptight and worrisome now, which makes it difficult for others to be full out friendly with me. I'm way too considerate and civil and probably that's how most people treat me too with the exception of my family and few close friends.

But no, I want to be flexible and confident. And strong and powerful. 

I wasn't always like this.

I was once a carefree girl who was one to stand up and attempt to make a change. All through the later half of primary school and secondary school I was that way, and of course took up various leadership roles. But after I graduated from BP I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't cut out for it in the first place. 

Because why is it that no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to move anything? Why was it that people like Willie could do it almost effortlessly and be recognised and relied on compared to myself even though I tried my best? And even though I knew I wasn't popular due to my methods I had believed it was good bitter medicine, yet it never worked! 

And the things I loved so much, memories that used to be my life, the most dear to me, have now turned against me with ugly feelings of hatred and bitterness because I didn't make a difference. Whilst everyone cried and were filled with overwhelming feelings, I was already killed. The last blow dealt when they told me after I rushed and squeezed my way front behind the curtain "we already planned something (without you of course)" and their eyes said "we don't need you." 

This much pain I let it fester within me because I had let myself be weak. I said "oh.okay." and went to the back. And from then on I retreated into myself and swore that giving my all and my whole heart to something, some CCA, ever again, was just going to make me hate it. There's even a photo (without me of course) just to constantly remind me of the last blow whenever I see it. I am aware I sound really petty and bitter now and it seems like I wanted the recognition. It's true. I wanted that too, and I'm not such a perfect glorious person who doesn't care about acknowledgement. But it was not that which spoilt me, but the confirmation that I was not needed. That I couldn't be relied on even till the last moment.

So spare me the pain, and let me stay safe and secure I said. Not to say I won't take up a leadership role if I had the ability to, but that I won't give everything and risk the ensuing hate.

I think it's time to let go of the past and its pain now. I can't be resentful and afraid forever. It's time to come out. I'm going to be someone whom others won't ignore, or at least someone who would be strong enough to say "screw you, I have the fucking right to speak my mind and I will tell you how upset I am right now" if I encounter the same situation again. 

It's not anybody but myself. I will show you and I will do it. I will be stronger than ever and you will never take your eyes off of me or dismiss me with a laugh like you did. :)

At the Moment

At the moment. My thoughts at the moment.

Is it okay for me to be sad if the distance between me and everyone else is attributed to the fact that they have moved on while I stubbornly refuse to let go of what we had? Do they...do they still remember? 

Do they still hold the memories that I'm still gripping tightly in my hands? If that is so, I'm alone back in that place because I remember. Everyone has gone, the place is closed, but I don't want to leave. Let me stay, let me linger. 

 

Or do you still remember? Are we still connected by our past? 

If I could, I want to return to the past, not to change my decisions, but just to look at how we were that time again. I hate to admit it but I miss the significant people in my life in the past. But I don't make an effort to reach out to them. I tell myself, they have others now, and me, I'm probably not significant to them anymore.

But since I can't return to the past, I can only make do with the future. I want to meet up with these few people and ask them, do you remember this, do you remember that?

And maybe, just maybe, we can relive those moments again. I just hope it's not too late.

"Humanity is a discontinuous series of free men irreparably isolated by their subjectivity." Simone de Beauvoir

This quote was taken from one of the loading screens during the PS 3 game Remember Me. How apt, it's a game about memories too! 

The reason why I'm so obsessed with memories probably stems from my need to find my place in this world. There is not a day passing that I do not feel that insecure feeling of being lost. I'm just running away, from everything.

I've been having weird dreams too. Bizarre dreams of people from my past. I haven't talked to them since ages but they appeared in my dreams. 

I like to believe that I'm a strong realist. At this point in my life I take on a view of objectivity at everything. I'm not too concerned about matters of spiritual well being and the supernatural at this point when the time I have to try to explore more into the meaning of religion is limited and thus put on hold.

But who can explain dreams? Who can be objective about a world so unexpected and yet so real? No matter how much you try to give a reason for what you dream, you can never determine the exact cause. And dreams are so personal. My very own world.

This is why my theme in life has long been about Reality and Dreams.

Flow

Yet another picture I took outside my window of the sunset:) I guess this is the perk of living in the west despite its relative "isolation" from the rest of the city. I like to think that I live in the suburbs. 

Right now I'm typing out this post to ease the strain on my brain at the Jurong Regional Library. It's pouring heavily outside and I'm starting to feel a little drowsy, so reading Waterland and writing posts should be effective refreshers in between my econs revision. I'm afraid of sleeping cos I'm alone and I don't wanna be tapped on the shoulder by some library attendant.

I really want to stop the flow of time now. Not just because of the upcoming exams, but because I'm afraid of the future in general. I won't be confined within the safe and controlled boundaries of uniformed school life anymore, something I've grown accustomed to and am probably taking for granted most of my life so far. I'll be out there in the real world. That isn't so bad yet. Very soon I'll also graduate from the comforting confines of my family and be on my own.

My family in future (if I do ever have another) would be different from the one I was born in. My sisters would have their own households and everything would just be different. I am close to my parents, especially mom, so I can't imagine being able to cope with their future inevitable passing. Being the youngest, I will be left behind last, provided I don't succumb to accidents or disease before my natural passing.

Thinking of the future like this makes me want to hold on tightly to the present all the more. It's good in a way since I'm more appreciative of what I have now, but bad in a way because I can't bring myself to fully live in the present with the fear holding me back. 

See, I'm worrying about inappropriate things at inappropriate times again. While my peers get stressed up over not being able to do well enough to secure a stable future, here I am unnecessarily worrying and letting precious time flow past me.

Let me live in the present, forever.