Wanna Be

Heh okay I'm recycling photos now - gosh I really want to just get out and ruminate around Singapore with a camera to take photos! This photo was from my collection meant for the Perfect Fifth programme booklet but since the teachers didn't want specific members in photos I let the Publicity team have them for the posters. This is one of my fav photos!

I've been all cooped up preparing for the As. 

And I'm raring to get out there and do things I've never dared to do. 

I even have a bucket list in my phone Notes of the things I want to do after this national exam is over, both long term and short term goals. 

But most of the things I want to do are stuff I believe would make me stronger both in and out. And generally that's my life goal - to be a strong woman (like Ada!<3)! I've always been a goody-two shoes, safe and secure sort of person who usually goes by the book and over worries herself about consequences, and I find that I'm restricting myself from maxing out my full potential that way.

If I could be more spontaneous and vibrant without constantly pondering about the consequences, I think I would be a lot more happier and so would others around me. 

I want others to see me as someone unperturbed by opinions, relaxed and easy going at my own pace. I want to be able to smile and say yes when someone invites me to do something daring. I want to be able to tell someone offensive that he's being a dick without keeping it to myself and wondering why he's being so mean. Or I'd even want to be carefree enough to go up to a guy I like and tell him in his face that I like him just because. "I really like you, yknow, I think you're really cool."

I'm probably too uptight and worrisome now, which makes it difficult for others to be full out friendly with me. I'm way too considerate and civil and probably that's how most people treat me too with the exception of my family and few close friends.

But no, I want to be flexible and confident. And strong and powerful. 

I wasn't always like this.

I was once a carefree girl who was one to stand up and attempt to make a change. All through the later half of primary school and secondary school I was that way, and of course took up various leadership roles. But after I graduated from BP I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't cut out for it in the first place. 

Because why is it that no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to move anything? Why was it that people like Willie could do it almost effortlessly and be recognised and relied on compared to myself even though I tried my best? And even though I knew I wasn't popular due to my methods I had believed it was good bitter medicine, yet it never worked! 

And the things I loved so much, memories that used to be my life, the most dear to me, have now turned against me with ugly feelings of hatred and bitterness because I didn't make a difference. Whilst everyone cried and were filled with overwhelming feelings, I was already killed. The last blow dealt when they told me after I rushed and squeezed my way front behind the curtain "we already planned something (without you of course)" and their eyes said "we don't need you." 

This much pain I let it fester within me because I had let myself be weak. I said "oh.okay." and went to the back. And from then on I retreated into myself and swore that giving my all and my whole heart to something, some CCA, ever again, was just going to make me hate it. There's even a photo (without me of course) just to constantly remind me of the last blow whenever I see it. I am aware I sound really petty and bitter now and it seems like I wanted the recognition. It's true. I wanted that too, and I'm not such a perfect glorious person who doesn't care about acknowledgement. But it was not that which spoilt me, but the confirmation that I was not needed. That I couldn't be relied on even till the last moment.

So spare me the pain, and let me stay safe and secure I said. Not to say I won't take up a leadership role if I had the ability to, but that I won't give everything and risk the ensuing hate.

I think it's time to let go of the past and its pain now. I can't be resentful and afraid forever. It's time to come out. I'm going to be someone whom others won't ignore, or at least someone who would be strong enough to say "screw you, I have the fucking right to speak my mind and I will tell you how upset I am right now" if I encounter the same situation again. 

It's not anybody but myself. I will show you and I will do it. I will be stronger than ever and you will never take your eyes off of me or dismiss me with a laugh like you did. :)