About Self-destruction

http://www.zerochan.net/2018156#full

"I think people, to some extent, subconsciously desire self-destruction." I murmured, gripping the pillow tighter.

"It probably isn't subconscious for everyone," she replied.

I somehow recall this particular part of the conversation I had with Dawn when she came over last week. We were lounging on my bed, chatting the hours away. I don't exactly remember how we came to talk about such a morbid subject, but it's a concept I've been chewing on in my mind recently.

Self-destruction. And I don't mean self-harm or suicidal tendencies. I'm referring to the things we insist on doing despite the knowledge that it doesn't do us good at all. I don't think everyone out there is bent on ending their lives prematurely - on the contrary people are terrified for their lives. Yet, it feels as if people enjoy dancing with death, with the delusion that they can control themselves and would never accept death's invitation to his home. Or at least, not so soon.

What comes to mind? Common things around us in the world like smoking, excessive drinking are probably at the surface, but deeper, darker things abound beyond those.

Self-destruction is probably something that comes dangerously close to many, including myself. I feel as if the consciousness that I'm able to do it comes off as a challenge for me to do so. Especially when I am wrought with restlessness and a desire to occupy myself, it becomes tempting to take up the challenge. But then what am I trying to prove or justify? To whom exactly?

I think self-destruction is best dealt with by preventing it from even introduced as an idea in the first place. It's hard at this stage now, with ideas of different conceptions of self-destruction prevalent in the media and in our environment. When we see or hear of them, we get curious and desire to "try" it thinking we could always zip back out as quickly as we got in. How very wrong indeed. Because once we've tasted the experience, we cannot forget it - the deed is done, like how Eve had taken that consequential bite from the forbidden fruit.

I think Dawn is right in saying it probably isn't subconscious anymore. It probably started off that way, but once a person becomes entrenched in acts of self-destruction, he would likely be resigned to that fate and consciously continue with it despite being aware of the consequences. He probably thinks that since he's already waist-deep in the swamp, it's too late to be saved anyway - he might as well continue.

君がくれたもの

君と夏の終わり

The end of summer with you

将来の夢

The dreams of the future

大きな希望

The big hopes we had

忘れない

I won't forget them

10年後の8月

In August 10 years from now

また出会えるのを信じて

I believe we will meet again

最高の思い出を

These are the best memories

One of my current ear candies from the anime Anohana (watch it if you haven't and prepare lots of tissue paper if you are going to), and a dedication to a friend of mine who'd be going through a difficult time :)

あの階段

http://www.zerochan.net/497213

あの階段の上に、答えが見つけられるかな。

I wonder if I can find the answer at the top of those stairs.

No Sense, No Connection

http://www.zerochan.net/1965969#full

These days whenever an utterance escapes my lips and becomes lost forever, I feel as though I'm a shade behind everything else. It's the queerest feeling, to feel as if there's a glass wall that reduces my voice to mere muffled sounds even though the person I'm talking to is peering right at me through the barrier. Whatever I say doesn't seem to be of consequence at all - words take off like distant planes and fade into nothingness like vapour. 

The more I realise this, the more I just don't feel like struggling. I end up feeling relieved when all I need to do is to listen to what others have to say and reacting to them. Yet I feel as though I've been stripped of some sort of ability, which makes me feel a little helpless and removed from the flow of events with time. I'm just a spectator, silently watching from the distance. 

My words no longer carry meaning and convey my feelings. I make no sense, and I'm unable to connect with others. I feel like two entities in one - a ventriloquist and his dummy. I am superficial, insincere, and dead. 

Even though I've somehow lost a subtle part of my ability to communicate like how I used to be able to, I try to cover it up on the surface. Smile harder, maybe laugh a bit more. Insert more reactive phrases that essentially mean nothing beyond sounds of acknowledgement. Silence? Ask questions, anything - just make sure they keep talking, and that they never stop. It feels like I'm running and running, like a hamster in its wheel.

I'm sure people can sense how I'm not connecting properly with them. The impressions you derive from conversations are sensitive and ever-changing subtly like feeling the temperature in a room. Yet because socialisation is essentially a process of negotiation where parties test the waters and tread carefully in different ways through a minefield of etiquette and sensitivity, they still continue to try and talk to me, probably thinking that they were the ones who took the wrong turn.

I wonder if this phase is temporary. 

Contradictions

http://www.zerochan.net/349169#full

I don't think my post has got anything directly to do with today's cover picture, but I really love this picture for a couple of reasons: 

First off, it's from one of my favourite animated films of all time - Spirited Away or 千と千尋の神隠し Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi - which would always have a place in my heart. Secondly, the senses of this picture somewhat resonates with the messy mix of emotions within me. There's an almost monotonous calmness with all the stagnancy and lack of life, save for Chihiro and the exhaust spewing from the chimney. Yet there's also an underlying sense of anxiety and fear about what lies ahead when facing the almost menacing and towering building.

Life - school life to be specific since it dominates the majority of my time now -  at the present feels like this to me. I suck in and hold my breath silently as I am aware of the looming deadlines and heavy workload weighing down on my spirit. I try to keep myself light-hearted and calm in the midst of all the anxiety and worries that effervesce from deep inside me. And even so, I still have to struggle from possibly wandering off too far beyond reality in order to stave the unbearable feeling of restlessness. Maybe Spirited Away does relate to this post after all, since Chihiro struggles between losing herself to the spirit world and remembering the reality she belongs to in the film.

I have a lot of support from family and (more) friends now in my life, to the point that it actually makes me feel guilty when pessimistic thoughts cloud my mind. I feel as if I don't have time or the right to be depressed when I'm very blessed in actual fact. 

While I've always been aware that I shouldn't be moping, it's the first time that I've actually felt the emotion of guilt in me. When I identified its presence in my consciousness, I was afraid. Yet I don't want to ignore it. I don't want to pass it over with forced optimism, to alter my mindset to think that the cup's half full. Of course it's the same reality regardless of the perspective I take, but these emotions are real. 

The solution to such negativity would probably be to let it all out; to not bottle it within me. However due to this guilt I feel, I become ashamed to share it with another person. I feel as if the person would reject these raw but very much existent feelings within me that IS part of who I am. This kinda reminds me of the 16 Personalities analysis for my type.

I'm not one to swear by stuff like personality analyses or horoscope readings since they may end up prescriptive rather than descriptive in its effect, but I do relate to some of it. My latest personality result is INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), with the key word Advocate. Basically the Advocate describes one who tends to present his/herself as a culmination or patchwork of ideas and beliefs they agree with and wish to exemplify, instead of who they really are. I'd probably relate this to the times I feel as if I'm consciously putting on a show. But then again, who am I beyond such ideas and beliefs?

At this point in time there's anxiety that stems not only from work, but also from the social aspect of my life. I'm made to confront ideas of socialisation again, to consider the pros and cons of isolating myself and stuff like that. When it gets exhausting, I get exasperated and wish to return to a lifestyle that's predictable and safe. Yet it's not as if I don't enjoy the changes in my life at all.

It's infuriating when there are so many contradictions.