About Self-destruction

http://www.zerochan.net/2018156#full

"I think people, to some extent, subconsciously desire self-destruction." I murmured, gripping the pillow tighter.

"It probably isn't subconscious for everyone," she replied.

I somehow recall this particular part of the conversation I had with Dawn when she came over last week. We were lounging on my bed, chatting the hours away. I don't exactly remember how we came to talk about such a morbid subject, but it's a concept I've been chewing on in my mind recently.

Self-destruction. And I don't mean self-harm or suicidal tendencies. I'm referring to the things we insist on doing despite the knowledge that it doesn't do us good at all. I don't think everyone out there is bent on ending their lives prematurely - on the contrary people are terrified for their lives. Yet, it feels as if people enjoy dancing with death, with the delusion that they can control themselves and would never accept death's invitation to his home. Or at least, not so soon.

What comes to mind? Common things around us in the world like smoking, excessive drinking are probably at the surface, but deeper, darker things abound beyond those.

Self-destruction is probably something that comes dangerously close to many, including myself. I feel as if the consciousness that I'm able to do it comes off as a challenge for me to do so. Especially when I am wrought with restlessness and a desire to occupy myself, it becomes tempting to take up the challenge. But then what am I trying to prove or justify? To whom exactly?

I think self-destruction is best dealt with by preventing it from even introduced as an idea in the first place. It's hard at this stage now, with ideas of different conceptions of self-destruction prevalent in the media and in our environment. When we see or hear of them, we get curious and desire to "try" it thinking we could always zip back out as quickly as we got in. How very wrong indeed. Because once we've tasted the experience, we cannot forget it - the deed is done, like how Eve had taken that consequential bite from the forbidden fruit.

I think Dawn is right in saying it probably isn't subconscious anymore. It probably started off that way, but once a person becomes entrenched in acts of self-destruction, he would likely be resigned to that fate and consciously continue with it despite being aware of the consequences. He probably thinks that since he's already waist-deep in the swamp, it's too late to be saved anyway - he might as well continue.