Mirror

Found this photo randomly in my camera roll that I took last time to document my make up application. Thought it'd suit the topic of beauty so here goes:

I really don't like to be writing about things like beauty and fashion or whatever is related to trying to look good on the outside...because I'm already so preoccupied with my inner flaws.

But just moments ago while trying to pick an outfit for church tomorrow morning I felt so upset at myself. 

I've always prided myself in being able to accept my appearance relatively easily compared to most adolescents my age who go to great extremes to slim down and fit into the trendiest clothes. 

When others talk about clothes I mentally pat myself on the back for being "normal", because while friends dress up to the nines, take ootds and their latest shopping purchases, I adamantly assert my same old blatant stand of dressing comfortably and decently since clothes only serve to cover us up.

Of course being the girl that I am, I still wish that I could look good in nice clothes too. But my wardrobe is really just full of decent timeless pieces like cotton pieces with toned down colours, mostly blue. No silk, chiffon, mesh, loud tumblr prints, sequins etc for me. Gosh I'm so boring.

Back to the moments ago before moments ago. I got upset. I was feeling so unhappy with how I looked in the mirror. I never thought I would say this in a long while, being the accepting person I think I am - I felt so ugly.

I would try on piece after piece of clothing and finally just give up out of exasperation to pull on a pullover (badumtss) and just stare at myself in the mirror, feeling so sick and tired of myself.

It's getting worse because I'm gaining so much weight from binging during my a level prep, and my short hair cut seems to make me less feminine than ever. Of course I could always go exercise, but if it's not the excuse that I'm busy studying, than it's just pure laziness and lack of motivation that is preventing me from doing something about my weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in ages but I can still tell that I'm getting bigger.

And this drop in my self esteem just makes me so resentful. I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna see anyone else other than my family, I just want to lock myself in my room alone. And then I grow more resentful of myself for having thoughts like these - the clear signs of a weak person.

I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to be independent and powerful. Like Ada Wong, my all time fictional hero from Resident Evil.

But for now, I can't help but feel like I'm crumbling down more and more. When some people try to motivate me into losing weight using tough love methods like "insulting" my weight, comparing me to other people who are losing weight etc, I just nod my head and pretend I don't really care, but I'm starting to feel the cracks in my wall of tolerance and forbearance.

To Live

It seems that as the days get more hectic with preparations for the national exams, the urge to write becomes more apparent. But I had a conversation (a pretty heated discussion) about life with Dawn today (before we wasted 3 precious hours in the lab watching YouTube videos). The stupid lass stayed back with me while I did my notes on the comp because it was raining and I ended up getting horribly distracted. THIS IS WHY I STUDY ALONE!

So I just wanna write a short post about living life. I'm not a motivational speaker that enlightens people on the meaning of life, but I definitely think that there are too many people out there who are just selfish and immature to play around with suicidal thoughts and easily saying they can take their own lives anytime because there's nothing worth living for.

I don't know how our conversation started (probably a sidetrack from our discussion about the education system), but Dawn and I had different views about living. The girl had said that she could take her life anytime and wouldn't care because she honestly doesn't have a reason to live for. I disagreed. Now this disagreement is not because it is almost taboo to speak about death nor was it  like the automatic "oh don't say that, there are reasons to live for!" response that people around you coo to pacify you. I was disturbed because I know she isn't the only one who thinks the same - so many, and too many people have the similar mindset.

I understand that people generally go on living "for a reason","with meaning". Dawn asked me "So you have a reason to live?". Honestly I don't. But I told her that it's the very process of finding that meaning that is keeping me alive if that's what living is about - for a reason. 

I find it horribly selfish of people who can live to think that they can take their lives on a whim. While they have a choice to go on living, they don't think of the people all around who want to live but don't have the choice to. People who aren't financially privileged, and people whose days are numbered due to disease or age.

The world is a cruel place full of horrible and heartless people, that is not entirely wrong. But if you think that you're looking at paradise through the noose, gazing upon a better place down 10 storeys below your feet or nearing the bliss of painlessness with each blade you draw across your wrist, I think you are delusioned and, you are weak. 

All you are doing is escaping your problems instead of facing them. All you will get in the end (I won't immediately assume it's what you want) is a brief moment of pity and remorse from acquaintances before you are forgotten, and a lifelong haunting for those who actually love you. All you will be is a faint and distant memory, a sad figure inpressioned upon others as someone who couldn't handle the world and murdered himself. You are a murderer. Is pity and remorse still warranted?

How could anyone be so selfish? How could you think of throwing away something so valuable that many others out there covet? How could you dangle the meat in front of others and throw it away so heartlessly into the dirt, wasted and never retrieved again? I'm not even sad that people have suicidal thoughts - I'm in fact really mad and livid the more in think about it!

For whatever reasons you have - being bullied, feeling unloved and unwanted, being stressed and depressed - I think it's extremely important to remember that you are well and alive. Don't take for granted the nights you go to bed setting your alarm even though we all don't know whether we will even open our eyes to morning the next day. Don't take for granted how walking, running and talking is effortless for most of us. Don't disregard every single person you meet in your life and adamantly believe no one regards you. In a world with billions of people we all found each other. 

I'm surprised by myself that I feel so strongly about the value of life even though I'm not religious (stereotype, yes I know now hush) nor am I the most positive person you'll ever meet. We only have one shot at life after which we are nothing. Even if you believe in reincarnation I doubt you will have the same consciousness, so why not just see what life has to offer for you instead of concluding what it hasn't given you with your own death sentence?

If you have the time, I recommend all of you to watch a Japanese drama series One Litre of Tears, because it really makes you consider life aside from all the really really heart wrenching scenes and soul breaking soundtrack. The drama is based on the real life of the deceased Ikeuchi Aya who was diagnosed with Degenerative Spinocerubellar Disease which is a disease that affects the motor ability of the patient who will have difficultly moving, talking and even swallowing food. The OST song Konayuki by Remioromen is really awesome and has beautiful lyrics:)

All Things Japanese

First and foremost THIS IS NOT WRITTEN BY ME so any of you who know of my eyecandy crush on a senior last year had better not have ideas that I'm still all lost in love etc. I happened to spot this note among others written and hung up for Tanabata festival at Liang Court where I go every Sunday, and felt it was very Japanese anime-like :D

Okay since I said it, yes I had a sort of minor crush on a senior of mine who was in the same CCA last year. I've probably hinted about it here and there in previous posts but since I'm all over that hilarious phase now there's no harm coming out to admit that yes, I was once upon a time a distracted, almost obsessed girl who had a cute senior on her mind when idle and went to great lengths to stalk him on whatever available social platforms, blush considerably when she saw him in school and couldn't say hi at all, and basically made a big fool of herself spazzing. I can imagine you recoiling in disgust now but trust me, if you're a guy, plenty of girls out there do it (it's "research" you see) and if you're a girl, DON'T DENY IT! 

I'm writing out this post on my phone now when I should be resting, but I just felt like writing and it wouldn't be good to deny the urge to write. I'm down with the early stages of flu so I won't be attending school tmr - I'll be visiting a doctor sigh.:(

So earlier this evening I sat through 1.5h of the National Day Rally with my family, and when PM Lee talked about the plans on developing Jurong, my mind was stuck at Japanese Garden (which is in Jurong). I've always told myself I'd visit the garden but it always slipped my mind (so I typed it in a note on my phone!). 

Then I had this thought: Why don't we have Japanese festivals at Japanese Garden? You know, those you see in animes and mangas where there's goldfish catching stands, takoyaki,okonomiyaki,yakisoba food stands (my stomach just growled), people wearing yukatas and FIREWORKS! There's plenty space for that, plus the setting fits it SO WELL. 

I went to google up any Jap festivals that was ever held in Singapore, and found that apparently there is a Summer Festival known as Natsu Matsuri organised my the Japanese Association Singapore annually at a local Jap school. This year's Natsu Matsuri is on 23 Aug, Sat at a Jap school in Changi, which is such a waste when we have a lovely Japanese Garden here in the West. Probably it's because it's easier and cheaper to rent the location of a school compared to a public park.

Oh, this brings me to the next point - I want to go for Natsu Matsuri next year!! Entrance fee is $4 (so much cheaper than your cheapest AFA entrance ticket priced at $8+), and they provide yukata rental and dressing services as well at less than $10! (KYAAAAA) They do encourage people to wear their own yukatas though, so I went to look up on yukata shops online, and ended up mesmerised by picture after picture of pretty yukatas (which aren't very cheap, priced at least $60 - $100+). 

But to go all the way to Changi is crazy! Oh and apparently due to AVA regulations, goldfish scooping is not allowed anymore. Guess I'd have to go to Japan to try it then! Perhaps I should write a letter of suggestion to the JAS about organising Natsu Matsuri at Japanese Gardens instead in future :)

Recently I've been reading manga to destress a lil from studies, and my latest is Inu x boku SS which revolves around a group of half-demon half-human people who possess powers and stay at the Maison de Ayakashi, a high class apartment building for these Ayakashi to protect themselves against pure demons who attack them. I love all the characters to the point where I can't determine which is my favourite! 

But one of the characters Watanuki Banri made me like the animal Tanuki! (WaTANUKI) Watanuki is a character who wants to protect his loved ones especially his childhood friend and love interest Roromiya Karuta (ironic cos Karuta is WAY stronger and scarier in her demon form). However he is pretty weak because his demon form is a super adorable Tanuki with a leaf on his head:

So cute!! Another anime character from another anime is also represented by the Tanuki - Kim the witch from Soul Eater!

Compare that cute little animal to Karuta:

 It's almost hilarious and it seems like their demon form should be swapped since Watanuki looks like a delinquent while Karuta IS SO ADORABLE! MANIACCC!! (Nobara says this when she sees cute girls like Karuta!)

Oh dear I'm getting too carried away. I finished the manga up to the latest chapter so far so I'm not too worried about being distracted.

I'm also watching SAO II every Sunday when it's released. The arc is now Gun Gale Online (GGO) where the new character Sinon (the one with turquoise hair) is featured! 

I recently cut my hair short and while it didn't go the way I wanted it to be (shoulder length and mature looking), I now have an anime-Jap character look cos it's so short and layered now, almost like Sinon's, especially if I use pins to tie the hair on the sides. The opening song for SAO II is really really awesome - Ignite by Aoi Eir, the same singer who sang the second opening for SAO!

I realised I've gotten back all my Japanese craze and obsession, after a long hiatus being caught up in the K-craze (which is still there in me but fast dying out) and indie music (which I still appreciate)! I guess it's a good thing because it's what I've originally enjoyed back in primary school when I had many many friends who shared my interest until I entered secondary school where anime lovers were mostly the anti social "nerdy" boys and the girls were all crazy over K-pop bands and dramas.

Stress Relievers

I'm so proud of this photo :))) It's pretty nice, no? I took this earlier this year at East Coast Park while doing a recee for places to take photos for the Perfect Fifth 2014 publicity stuff. Of course I edited the photo a lil' to make the grayscale contrasts clearer and less fuzzy. I love how the ships vary in degree of colour density, giving the ships at the very back a sort of foggy effect - like Silent Hill! The solitary plane gives the picture a sort of lonely, melancholic effect too.

At the moment, life is, as with many other JC2 students going through the same excruciating process, in a whirl. Panic, terror, desperation and worry that overwhelms you as the ultimate D-day looms near just simply renders you defenseless and confused, not knowing exactly what to do.

But I like to revel in bits and pieces of daily mental and emotional indulgence to relief myself from stress. I generally consider myself a good controller of my own expression of feelings and all because my threshold for pain and suffering is pretty deep. "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." Haruki Murakami, one of my favourite authors, said this. So even while I'm pretty screwed up inside, I tend not to show so easily.
However in the times when I do appear moody and irritated, it means I'm really really having it bad inside. I may look like I have a mini dark cloud over my head, but trust me inside I have a Cat 4 hurricane just raging inside.

My source of stress is never directly from tangible sources like work and results (though I still get disappointed when I do badly), but mostly from thoughts about emotional security, trust, existence etc. I'm pretty much of a loner-type, where I mostly enjoy doing things alone (and hence the secret ambition I mentioned in the last post)even though to some friends who don't know me that well I seem like an extrovert, because I go crazy spewing rubbish in the heat of excitement.

Back to the topic at hand - yeah I'm a loner type, so there's always plenty of alone times when I just think. Think. and THINK. About life, about religion, about meaning, about love, about almost everything. And the more I think, especially when concerned with human relationships, the more I get all insecure and paranoid as I conjure up imaginations that scare me. And that's my source of stress mainly.

When I think like this outside, it just leaks through my pores as pure moodiness. At home, if I'm too overwhelmed and if I get ruffled up doing chores at the same time, I break down into some angry-crying which is relieving after all that's been bothering me is purged through my tears and distracted by my stinging eyes.

How I relieve my stress is pretty effective and helps me to keep calm for most of the time. Sleep is first and foremost on the list, but not a strong priority these days when I need the time to mug. The bed is the best invention ever. Funny videos, good shows and really awesome animes are next on the list. I recently found this Youtuber called Anna Akana and I love her videos so much! They are so funny even though I don't agree with some of her perception on morals like how weed is okay and all etc. I recommended one of her videos to one of my classmates who just had a break up recently because I found it quite empowering and relatable having gone through a break up before too.

Oh and I'll reveal another ambition of mine - wait for it - short film and music videos! I really wanna make my own videos, but I'm probably not comfortable taking a video of myself talking (and I'll probably give up when I see my own pathetic face myself). The stuff i write on my blog is kinda like the written form of how I would wanna talk on videos, like a vlog! I like talking (and i also consider myself a good speaker) even though I don't really derive alot of joy from communication (there is a difference between the two). I talk to myself and to Skippy when I'm alone at home (freaky, yes). In fact I wanna try to be a radio deejay too :) Films and music videos are interesting too, like those on Wong Fu Productions!

Another great reliever of stress is singing. I don't sing excellently, but I sing well enough to please my ears  and not harm others' ears. Especially when I'm alone at home. I find instrumentals of songs, play it loud on the PC and just karaoke to my heart's content. Sometimes I even record myself singing on my Garageband app and shamelessly listen to my own singing afterwards (pffffft HAHAHAHA). Weekend stress relievers include cooking. Food is such an awesome thing. Great food outside is usually costly - so why not make your own and add your own flavour to it? Of course I still love eating good food outside because some of these good food places have great ambience and atmosphere that seem to make the food tastier.

And lastly, writing! If you're like me and can't hold long conversations with people through which you relieve stress, writing is good. It's like talking - to no one and everyone. It gets you thinking too. And the best part is that one day in the future when you're bored, you can read your posts again and relive the memories easily.

Stress happens to everyone, but it's important to know how YOU deal with it. Pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional. Don't let that stress stay for too long, and even if it's a perpetual stress (like the A Levels preps), you should at least loosen every once in a while. Why make yourself suffer when you can feel better, even for a while?

Teppanyaki, Cute Singing Dins and Farewell

Starting off a long post with a pretty picture of my new (and my first!) dream catcher! This is the only well-taken picture I have out of the pictures I'm posting today so that's why it made the cover :) I haven't had great dreams lately. 

I could talk for hours about dreams, but I think that few have the interest (or patience) to converse with me about them. The last person I've had a proper discussion with about dreams was ol' Boston from guitar, and he was telling me that he met this girl called Jade in his dreams but could never actually remember her face. I hope he meets this Jade soon in real life :) I used to have weird but really horrid nightmares about lifts with hanging bodies in them, but instead of those I'm now having nightmares that are even more distasteful - dirty public toilets. I'm not even kidding! You're probably laughing now but just you try dreaming about toilets with rows and rows of cubicles that you open hoping to find a decent seat for your derriere only to find some disgusting surprise waiting for you. And no, I didn't pee in my sleep if that's what you're wondering. (which is a pretty awesome thing if you think bout it). Hopefully this dream catcher filters off all the horrendous icky dreams through those little holes.

Teppanyaki

Last Thursday my sister Stacey treated the family and Justin to a meal of TEPPANYAKI (YAY) at Sakae because she just received her bonus from work. We had quite a lot of food and the bill came to about 200 bucks. I mean, WOW.

I LOVE TEPPANYAKI SOOOO MUCHH! I have this secret (and weird) ambition to eat food on my own someday, like a whole dish of Chilli Crab to myself, have a Korean BBQ table to myself (so i won't have to jostle for space to cook my meat on the hot plate) etc., and Teppanyaki's on my list! I definitely will come back to eat again - the food was so good. They had foie gras that could melt in your mouth, and the clams were solid (not literally)! 

But the highlight of the meal was not the food. Justin and Stacey had BIG news for us - Justin had proposed to my sister. Ahhh, another daughter about to be married off from the Leong household. And I'm just 18? Of course I was elated! But this new revelation hasn't quite sunk in yet so things seem to be as normal.

Cute Singing Dins

Then the next morning on Friday, the school had the Harvard Dins and Tonics guys (cutiesss) perform during assembly in the hall! (The hall's acoustics didn't do justice to their voices of gold :/ )

I had a dumb blonde moment before the performance:

Friends: Omg Harvard Din and Tonics are gonna perform later!

Me: Oh I saw someone tweet about that yesterday night. What are they?

Friend 1: They're an acapella group and I heard they're good supposedly.

Me: Oooh wow an acapella group. Where are they from?

Friend 1: (...)

Friend 2: omg...

Friend 1: Uh. Harvard? *insert 'duh' face*

Me: Ohhhhh.

I really didn't know okay ><

Anyway these guys are AWESOME. and really cute too :P They all had voices with different characters that sound superb in their own way. I particularly enjoyed the 'McDonald's Girl' and 'Fly' numbers. I laughed so much during 'McDonald's Girl' that I cried and doubled over.

 This is my favourite Din - Justin Giallorenzo (<3<3<3), yet it's a poorly taken picture, as if he photobombed the picture like that other Din in the corner :( Apparently alot of other girls like him too! He's the current Music Director of the Dins and he does Psychology (heheh this is from my stalking spree on their website). *fangirls*

I felt that this Din was one of the best singers - he can reach the really high notes! Haha he looks goofy in this picture. When I asked him for a picture he was like "sure!" but he looked really tired and hot (IN BOTH SENSE!) so I apologised and he said "Oh, why are you apologising it's okay!" in that accent and I just swooned inside *dead*. As you can see in my left hand, I bought a CD from them! Dawn and I decided to share it but we concluded that it would be mine mostly since Dawn won't listen to it frequently. 

The song goes "I am in love with the McDonald's girl. She is an angel in a polyester uniform.".

And I'm like "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" <3

Farewell

Sigh I can still remember last year's farewell, and writing a post titled "Farewell and Fare well" on this blog...and now it's come to my very own farewell. Will I fare well? (LOL)

Not everyone came, but it was still fabulous and fun with all the activities and food and performances the lovely juniors prepared for us (the farewell we organised last year dulls in comparison to this year's).

Well I'll just flood the post with photos now!

 First off, retarded and unglam selfies with Marquitella! (Vernice LOL). So glad to have gotten to know her better through being school mates and CCA mates, even though as secondary schoolmates we barely knew each other!:)

The mandatory BP-VJ guitar ensem shot! Hopefully next year we'll have BPVJ juniors as well:)

Vernice looks like Yeexin now that she cut bangs! While I was taking this photo everyone behind me were like WHOAAA and OMG TWINS!

Princess Juju, Marquitella and yours truly :)

4/6 Alto 2! I actually like my ghost 'Home Alone' face very much even though my contacts were close to popping out while making that face.

 5/6 Alto 2! Sushmita 'Sushi' couldn't make it last min, so we substituted her with a sushi! Look, we really got a sushi there if you look close enough.

This group selfie is so cute hahaha

Us with the stickers Papa Sungha 'Jing' Jingxiu got for us!

Left: My mortal Tianchang! I hope I've been a good Angel to you :)
Right: My SL Papa Sungha 'Jing'! Thank you for being such a great SL to us girls, caring for our wellbeing like a dad!:)

Me, Boston, Phin, Anisah, Jingxiu and Bernard!

The EXCO team I work with :) Ryan the QM, Bernard the chairman, Juju the treasurer, Phin the vice-chair and Gilbert the student conductor! We have had so much fun it almost didn't feel like work sometimes.

Infusing the last of our powers into these lil' descendants of ours!

The Junior EXCO are the ones who helped make the farewell so successful :')

Time flies so fast. And the A Levels are looming so close. Sigh I would very much love for time to stop :(