Mirror

Found this photo randomly in my camera roll that I took last time to document my make up application. Thought it'd suit the topic of beauty so here goes:

I really don't like to be writing about things like beauty and fashion or whatever is related to trying to look good on the outside...because I'm already so preoccupied with my inner flaws.

But just moments ago while trying to pick an outfit for church tomorrow morning I felt so upset at myself. 

I've always prided myself in being able to accept my appearance relatively easily compared to most adolescents my age who go to great extremes to slim down and fit into the trendiest clothes. 

When others talk about clothes I mentally pat myself on the back for being "normal", because while friends dress up to the nines, take ootds and their latest shopping purchases, I adamantly assert my same old blatant stand of dressing comfortably and decently since clothes only serve to cover us up.

Of course being the girl that I am, I still wish that I could look good in nice clothes too. But my wardrobe is really just full of decent timeless pieces like cotton pieces with toned down colours, mostly blue. No silk, chiffon, mesh, loud tumblr prints, sequins etc for me. Gosh I'm so boring.

Back to the moments ago before moments ago. I got upset. I was feeling so unhappy with how I looked in the mirror. I never thought I would say this in a long while, being the accepting person I think I am - I felt so ugly.

I would try on piece after piece of clothing and finally just give up out of exasperation to pull on a pullover (badumtss) and just stare at myself in the mirror, feeling so sick and tired of myself.

It's getting worse because I'm gaining so much weight from binging during my a level prep, and my short hair cut seems to make me less feminine than ever. Of course I could always go exercise, but if it's not the excuse that I'm busy studying, than it's just pure laziness and lack of motivation that is preventing me from doing something about my weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in ages but I can still tell that I'm getting bigger.

And this drop in my self esteem just makes me so resentful. I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna see anyone else other than my family, I just want to lock myself in my room alone. And then I grow more resentful of myself for having thoughts like these - the clear signs of a weak person.

I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to be independent and powerful. Like Ada Wong, my all time fictional hero from Resident Evil.

But for now, I can't help but feel like I'm crumbling down more and more. When some people try to motivate me into losing weight using tough love methods like "insulting" my weight, comparing me to other people who are losing weight etc, I just nod my head and pretend I don't really care, but I'm starting to feel the cracks in my wall of tolerance and forbearance.