Constants

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This cover picture kinda matches my mood towards the summer break now. When it isn't pouring in Singapore, the sun blazes high in the azure crystal skies, accentuating the tops of multi-coloured HDB blocks in the distance and reflecting off the windscreens of passing cars and buses. And I think to myself: 

"夏だね (read: natsu da ne)"

which roughly translates to "This is summer, isn't it."

Even though it's the same time of the year where students take a break from school, summer break certainly feels slightly different from the "June Holidays" I'd been so accustomed to back in my uniformed school days. 

Today, I met up with my best friend Dawn and spent most of the day with her mostly just catching up - reminiscing about old classmates, talking about our lives, etc. It was rather fitting too, since we travelled the road of nostalgia to the East just to be able to dine at ThaiPan (a restaurant in a housing estate nearby our Junior College where we and many other VJ students past and present patronise for its buttered squid) and satisfy our craving for buttered squid. Sadly we reached the doorstep of ThaiPan only to find to our great horror that it was closed. :(

We took a bus to I12 Katong, another past favourite after-school haunt of ours to have a late lunch. As we hung out today, we just talked freely about anything and everything, and it made me realise how nice it is to have constants in life. Even though Dawn and I attend different universities and don't meet or chat very often now, it doesn't feel awkward at all when we do get together and talk. She's still the same old straightforward person who exasperates me with candid mannerisms and comments (such that I'd have to ask her to lower her voice when talking about socially sensitive issues in public), but also the same old trusty friend who gives her honest opinions and advice with an unspoken understanding about the sort of person I am, both good and bad parts. 

We're actually applying to work part-time at Uniqlo together for this summer break too, since we have more free time on hand without school. Hopefully we get the job!

As usual, we took selfies like the shameless lasses we are! But before you see how we look as 20 year olds in 2016 with our personal grooming shit finally together (or at least more so compared to our clueless and hopeless selves in the past), here's a throwback to year 2014, having completed one of our prelim papers and eating at Ramen Play at I12 Katong I think:

Laughing at the striking maroon VJ jackets we're wearing, our hair, and our attempt at pulling off decent smiles despite our exhaustion from A Level prep!

And behold, us in 2016:

HAHA Dawn if you're reading this I'm sure you're wondering why I blew up the picture so big - and honestly I don't know either.

I really do appreciate Dawn as a close friend, and a couple other close friends even though I don't show it that well. Considering I'm someone who has some difficulty in being truly at ease around others due to my fear of exposing all of my true self, which also stems from a sort of general distrust and a fear of rejection and being taken advantage of, I think having a friend that close is quite a feat in itself. My Navigators mentor, Chanhye, told me that this distrust that I have towards people is something she hopes would be healed in time, since it would become troublesome in the future when I do have to put my full trust and faith in others such as my husband (she specifically said husband, though I'm truly still uncertain whether I would ever get into a relationship, much less a marriage). 

People may fail and disappoint, but God is constant, isn't He? Much more than even myself in fact, since my feelings and emotions are prone to fluctuate and my resolve trembles at times. As written in Numbers 23:19, "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Revenge

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People - humans - get angry at times in life. I get angry too, though I rarely show my anger (or am probably even slow to anger first) except to close friends and family. I'm not a horoscope fanatic but I do agree with how Cancers such as myself are described when it comes to anger - that we don't really get angry easily, but get into an overwhelmingly foul (and maybe even scary) mood when we actually do.

A lot of my decisions and choices are influenced by a mix of deliberation and feelings, just like anyone down the street. In turn, my thoughts and feelings are led by a principle of energy conservation. Simply put, if an action or emotion does not lead to any progress or productive result in my perspective, it is a waste of energy and effort and I'd rather focus on other things.

Hence I don't really like getting angry (nobody does I guess), because more often than not nothing gets solved, people around you start to feel uneasy and it takes more effort to get back to the way things were. I'd suppress all my emotions, stuff it and squeeze it in and find some other ways for the negativity to dissipate such as through venting by writing or simply distracting myself with anime or games.

I don't really believe in showing others my raw, negative feelings because what good is it to them, or even myself? Am I expecting them to help me with whatever's bothering me? And if so, can I really trust them to even care enough to bear my burdens together? Similarly, I absolutely hate it when people show me their own foul emotions. Why should I have to be burdened by your problems when you probably don't even expect me to help you solve them?

Another thing I don't get is people "ranting" on social media. The funny thing is that these people rant in a place where the people whom they're unhappy with can see whatever they post about them. What is it you want? To guilt-trip the person who incurred your wrath? Maybe a small, indirect, "polite" reminder about what they did? But oh, no, I wasn't referring to you in particular, though it might have been you (it is definitely you I just wanted a way to hurt you without having to be held liable for whatever dirty linen I hang out on this very public social media platform).

And in the end, isn't this all a cowardly act of self-gratification? You probably don't want to solve the problem at all - in fact you might actually enjoy being able to emote these feelings of anger, like "Look! I am able to be angry! See how powerful and terrifying I can be!".

It took me a few years of bad experiences and pointless anger to learn that if someone does something to upset you whether on purpose or unintentionally, then you either confront the person and set things straight without resorting to lowly means, or swallow down and deal with those emotions without drama if you don't intend to confront the perpetrator.

Of course, it's easier said than done. While I still don't turn to social media where there are many people as a platform to vent my anger (I don't think many people I know read my blog), any strong negative feelings that hasn't fully dissipated through other means often becomes concentrated into thoughts of revenge. I'd think "Just you wait and see, I'll be the one who makes your life miserable without you knowing." and let those feelings fester slowly. I find such tendencies detrimental in many ways, because more often than not my ideas of revenge exacted on the targets are made at the expense of myself, just like a suicide bomber. It goes against even my principle of energy conservation.

But of course, this happens only when I'm really very angry beyond rationality. Besides, my threshold towards anger is pretty high due to my basic principle of energy conservation so I don't think it's too worrying for now haha.

"Love Life"

"So...how's your love life?", is what I've been hearing pretty often recently from old friends when we catch up.

I always reply that my "love life" is nothing much, or even practically non-existent (I've no life!!) - and somehow I get a teeny bit disappointed about this (on behalf of my friends too), probably because I'd feel as if there's nothing for me to talk about (WHEN I'M ALREADY SO BORING).

Now you'd probably be scoffing that it's really not a big deal at all and yes, I totally agree. Sometimes I find that romantic love is a concept that is often overrated and hyped up. You shake your head as you watch your friend disintegrating into a soppy mess as they tell you about their "love life", and give yourself a mental facepalm when they wreck themselves up over love problems that aren't really problems in the first place. You painstakingly type out explanations and advice when they confide their afflictions to you on the phone, only for them to reply with "But...!", making all that effort and time go down the drain since their burning feelings of love numbs them against the shortcomings of their target and apparently all traces of practical sense as well.

But you can't really deny that being in love is really a heck of an experience. It makes you all excited and jumpy inside when you try to casually talk to the person you like, and seeing that special person melts away all the prior bad mood that was affecting you all morning. That's why it sells so well everywhere in all mediums, and that's why people get especially interested to know about each other's "love life". HECK, it's even given a "life" on its own!

Yet, beyond all that heart-stopping breath-taking (that's why they say love is a fatal disease) action, being in love seriously beyond just having a peek at dear old senpai from behind a wall is exhausting in all ways. It's a commitment that requires nurturing, effort and plenty of contemplation, which would start paving the way towards the next few steps of major commitments in life like marriage and starting a family. I've heard plenty of stories from female friends about their "love lives", watching them as they start off starry-eyed maidens in love before falling into pieces of disappointment and futile longing. On one hand I feel sorry for their loss, and on the other I take comfort in the idea that I am not in any precarious relationship subjecting me to potential heartbreak and instability. It gives me a sense of freedom from not having to worry over such things and instead focusing on the things in life that are sure to make me happy. And that's also why they say love is a gamble, because not all things are transparent and feelings can be fleeting.

However, I do admit at times I wish I was in a loving relationship with someone special. I'd think of the things we'd do, the places we'd go and the conversations and moments we'd have together, and smile at those prospects. But I don't want a "love life" where things are dramatically all flowery and fantasy-like as if its a world, a life on its own. When that world fails, it would be as if I died. For now I'll focus on the one life I have now without actively hoping and searching for someone. If it is God's will, I'll meet someone with whom I can walk with together in that one life that just gets stronger and more fulfilled along the way.