Sunday 29 May 2016

Revenge

http://www.zerochan.net/689153#full

People - humans - get angry at times in life. I get angry too, though I rarely show my anger (or am probably even slow to anger first) except to close friends and family. I'm not a horoscope fanatic but I do agree with how Cancers such as myself are described when it comes to anger - that we don't really get angry easily, but get into an overwhelmingly foul (and maybe even scary) mood when we actually do.

A lot of my decisions and choices are influenced by a mix of deliberation and feelings, just like anyone down the street. In turn, my thoughts and feelings are led by a principle of energy conservation. Simply put, if an action or emotion does not lead to any progress or productive result in my perspective, it is a waste of energy and effort and I'd rather focus on other things.

Hence I don't really like getting angry (nobody does I guess), because more often than not nothing gets solved, people around you start to feel uneasy and it takes more effort to get back to the way things were. I'd suppress all my emotions, stuff it and squeeze it in and find some other ways for the negativity to dissipate such as through venting by writing or simply distracting myself with anime or games.

I don't really believe in showing others my raw, negative feelings because what good is it to them, or even myself? Am I expecting them to help me with whatever's bothering me? And if so, can I really trust them to even care enough to bear my burdens together? Similarly, I absolutely hate it when people show me their own foul emotions. Why should I have to be burdened by your problems when you probably don't even expect me to help you solve them?

Another thing I don't get is people "ranting" on social media. The funny thing is that these people rant in a place where the people whom they're unhappy with can see whatever they post about them. What is it you want? To guilt-trip the person who incurred your wrath? Maybe a small, indirect, "polite" reminder about what they did? But oh, no, I wasn't referring to you in particular, though it might have been you (it is definitely you I just wanted a way to hurt you without having to be held liable for whatever dirty linen I hang out on this very public social media platform).

And in the end, isn't this all a cowardly act of self-gratification? You probably don't want to solve the problem at all - in fact you might actually enjoy being able to emote these feelings of anger, like "Look! I am able to be angry! See how powerful and terrifying I can be!".

It took me a few years of bad experiences and pointless anger to learn that if someone does something to upset you whether on purpose or unintentionally, then you either confront the person and set things straight without resorting to lowly means, or swallow down and deal with those emotions without drama if you don't intend to confront the perpetrator.

Of course, it's easier said than done. While I still don't turn to social media where there are many people as a platform to vent my anger (I don't think many people I know read my blog), any strong negative feelings that hasn't fully dissipated through other means often becomes concentrated into thoughts of revenge. I'd think "Just you wait and see, I'll be the one who makes your life miserable without you knowing." and let those feelings fester slowly. I find such tendencies detrimental in many ways, because more often than not my ideas of revenge exacted on the targets are made at the expense of myself, just like a suicide bomber. It goes against even my principle of energy conservation.

But of course, this happens only when I'm really very angry beyond rationality. Besides, my threshold towards anger is pretty high due to my basic principle of energy conservation so I don't think it's too worrying for now haha.

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