My Feelings, Thoughts, Perspectives

Haha lemme just put this MV of Zedd's Stay the Night featuring Paramore' Hayley Williams! I'm not really a huge fan of electronic music but i think Zedd's really talented and i appreciate his form of music :)

Lately I chanced upon a fellow Victorian's tumblr and when i was reading it i realised there were many things i could relate to this person. How we both take to writing posts as a form of release, how we mull and keep thinking about life - the fears, the expectations, the opinions. I found myself echoing this person's thoughts, nodding along as i scrolled through pages.

Self-Acceptance
And this person (whom i don't know personally) actually seems like a really popular person, well-liked, has things going great etc. from what i see (i recognise the person) yet the pages of the person's blog is filled with constant but really deep questions about acceptance, worries about meeting expectations and insecurities of the future. One part of it i remember significantly was when the person scrutinized its appearance and pointed out one feature it was largely dissatisfied about. All that went through my mind as i read that part was something i heard before:

And it went something like,
You don't have to keep worrying about changing that feature you're not proud of, because one day someone is gonna love you for you and that feature which you were so ashamed of is gonna be the feature that person loves the most.

I'm not so sure about the part about someone loving the feature you dislike, but i do know that the feature you dislike isn't bad at all, because it's what defines you. Despite this fact i'm still open to ideas of surgery and all, because sometimes we just need that small boost of reassurance and confidence that comes with perfectionism.

It's been 4 days since i started my plan to lose weight and i'm happy to say i managed to be disciplined. Even though i sometimes get sad,empty and miserable from excluding carbos mostly (and there're so many good food with carbos) and working out at the gym, i'm actually very happy knowing that i can actually do this! I feel more confident too, and making my own food is the best part, such as the 'breakfast' i had for 'dinner' today.

Toasted wholemeal bread with ham, egg, diced tomatoes, a dollop of tuna, cut apples and milk for dinner!
The bread was the only carbs i let myself have today cos i had Caesar salad for breakfast, rootbeer for lunch and so i needed some energy. Making my own food and eating it makes me happy haha. Mom tried it and liked it alot so i promised her i'd make it for her breakfast one day.

Root beer that looks like real beer! Had this at Genki Sushi at Orchard Central while watching Patrick eat his sushis and oyakodon and talking about life today.

Religion
Another thing that hit me while reading this person's tumblr was the constant praise of God. Now this is a really really sensitive subject - Religion.

I was born and raised in a Christian family, growing up listening in awe to the Bible stories, singing along to hymns and being taught that there was this powerful omniscient figure called God who loves me and sent his son Jesus to die for my sins. I know all the Bible stories, understood what was taught me and for most of my childhood went along with all of it. I said my prayers before meals and before going to bed, participated enthusiastically at Sunday school memorising Bible verses and obediently followed what my family did.

However at the crucial and sensitive stage of entering my adolescent years, church conflicts about what version of the Bible to use split the church in two and my family moved to another church. At that time i as young and all i was concerned about was not being able to play with my Sunday school mates after Bible lessons. We kept moving churches to see where we felt comfortable in and finally settled at GLCC. By then i was a confused teen with unsteady faith. To make things worse my eldest sister who back slided in her faith often had deep conversations with me (at 13-14 years old) questioning Christianity and like Adam and Eve with the extra knowledge, i started having my doubts fester and grow and those trusting and faithful moments i had with God just burned off.

Now i'm still going to church with my family, but i feel like a traitor. My eldest sister accepted the Lord again after she met her husband but i'm still stuck here with my doubts. My family knows that i haven't been 'saved', and everytime it's Holy Communion week i wish i could just bolt out the door when i pass the tray of communion over. I refuse to get baptised (even though it's easy for anyone to just fake their belief and get baptised) because i'm not a liar even if i'm not a believer. And i still go to church because i'm not going to firmly cut off my beliefs - i'm still trying to see. It's not like i'm not giving believing in God a chance. I don't actually sleep with my eyes open during sermons. I'm still searching. But i admit i'm not searching hard enough.

I know how evangelists reach out to unbelievers. The touching story of how God gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our petty sins. The magnitude of God's unconditional and merciful love and pardon moves the unbeliever's heart. I know all of that, but i just don't feel it. How do you expect me to believe if i don't feel anything? And what makes it worse is that i already know what they're gonna preach and say because the teachings still burn deep from my childhood. I sometimes envy the unbelievers who start with a clean slate and are more ready to take in God's Word. But me. I just can't take it in. I'm sorry.

Being a good friend
I'm an introvert. I love spending time alone doing things i enjoy because that's how i gain my energy. But most of close friends are extroverts and somehow i think they like my companionship. And it's because these extrovert friends of mine need a listening ear. Which is what i provide most of the time. A listening ear. or ears.

 It's funny that i don't actually say much but my friends keep wanting to hang out, like these days Dawn's been wanting to hang out even though i've been having her over at my house more often, and Patrick's also been wanting to go out. Just this evening Weijun my son called after his Night Study wanting to talk because he was troubled so i invited him over to my house so he could tell me his troubles as i worked on my WR but since mom and dad was home he just kept quiet so i made him study beside me as i worked. About 9 i decided to go down with him to the coffeeshop and have some drinks so he'd be more comfortable with talking.

Mom commented to Dad that she finds that my friends all look for me when they're troubled and most of the time i get nothing in return, or have no one to turn to when i'm the one troubled. Which i find partially true actually. It feels like i spend my socialising time giving attention to others who need it. But it's not that i mind it at all actually. This is how i socialise. I do know how to control, because for introverts like me, i get tired easily from socialising while my extroverted friends gain my energy, so i usually don't reply or don't go out, and just stay home to regain my energy alone. I appreciate loneliness, and i think this is what makes me special. Mom said i should be a cousellor haha.

New inspirations

Promos are over!:) I hope I can promote haha but i'm not too worried about that now. I love the new pics I saved for this post, especially the one on top^^

All that's left this year is sickening PW (my senior Huibin just had to remind me of PW when I was "boasting" that my exams were over and his wasn't till Friday when I saw him on the way to the bus stop), and some guitar attendance admin to clean up (starting to regret being secretary). So i'm pretty much freed up for the rest of the year!

I'm starting to get some old resolutions kicked up and fired, the biggest one being trying to lose some flabs.

In fact tomorrow i'm starting on the exercise and diet schedule I planned for the week.

Hopefully I can do well enough to see the difference myself by start of December, which means I've about 2 plus months to try to stick to my plans - once I've nailed these few months, it should be easy to keep up with it cos it would be a habit by then.

You're probably thinking i'm being like most girls wanting to be ultra skinny and look good. Ultra skinny, no, cos that's just impossible given my everlasting love for good food (especially my mom's cooking which seems impossible to escape) , my laziness and my adoration for sleep. I would be lying if I said i'm doing all this only just to be fit cos I have an element of vanity behind all these plans. My biggest motivation is to be able to look fitting in nice clothes :)

 

I think the prettiest and most beautiful woman I've seen immortalised in a picture is Audrey Hepburn. She doesn't look smoking hot, or cute or any one thing, but she just has a lovely face that is like a piece of natural art. I like to think of a face as a canvas with details, my favourite detail being the eyes.

 

 I've always been drawn to nice eyes, and they don't always have to be huge eyes cos single lids have their special charm (though i'm mostly always captivated by big magnetic eyes). I don't think my eyes are the best-looking but i think they are special. I've got internal double lids which mostly makes me look like i'm single lid. I get my left double eyelid when I'm sick or feeling really tired, so I usually balance it up by using eyelid glue on my right eye. But most of the time I just put lid glue on both eyes to get the double eyelids that all my four family members obviously have that I don't.

 

 

 



 

I've recently been watching Glee from season 1 and I LOVE IT. It's such a colourful show, and I love colourful shows, like Pushing Daisies! The singers are just so good I feel so inspired. Since sec 4 I've been recording myself singing on my iPhone after i decided to adapt one of my band instructor's advice to record your own performances to check on your progress into my singing. Honestly I don't think I sing well, especially high notes, but i'm gonna try to upload one or two recordings that are safe on the ears after I've become more confident.

 

Another inspiration for singing is this not so recent cover by Jayesslee called Officially Missing You and it's been stuck in my head since I heard it a few times. I've been missing someone for quite some time now so i'm feeling like this is my song of the moment haha.

 

Speaking bout singing, 6 of us Chinese girls went to Katong Shopping Centre to karaoke at Teoheng Karaoke! It was great fun cos we just went all crazy and started screaming to songs like So What by P!nk. There was this funny moment where the song Yellow by Coldplay came up and the karaoke video was just a video of Chinese tourists at some Chinese temple and we were wondering why on earth has the song got to do with all that... until the lyrics "your skin...oh yeah your skin and bones..." came and we're all like OHHHHH omg that's racist! Yellow is supposed to be such a nice romantic song worth serenading to haha.

 

Besides losing weight and training my vocals, i'm also gonna be helping my secondary school military band train for their SYF next year. They have such a nice piece to play to, one of the theatrical pieces arranged for the military band. But Willie and I are mainly gonna train the members on marching techniques while the other few alumni who were ex-sectional leaders mostly are most probably gonna help with music. I do hope we win Certificate of Distinction next year, cos it's pretty sad that my batch has never gotten a Gold or higher for our three consecutive years of SYF.and I still attribute that to the constant change of instructors which led to the members feeling really disorganised and torn in loyalty.

 

Anyway, here's to a successful journey to the end of the year! Another lovely picture:



한국을좋아! (read: han-guk-eul-cho-a = i like Korea!)

I'm gonna die from all the moe-ness in the mv.LEE HYUN WOO IS SO CUTEEEE I CAN'T EVEN *breaks into hysteria* haha I love Akdong Musician! They're a pair of siblings who won a contract with one of the companies (I think it's YG but the video's for LOENENT) in the 2nd season of KPOPSTAR.

I love the singers from KPOPSTAR2 I think they are really great musicians, like LEE HI (my age omg but she sings really well and is so adorbs) and Park Jimin who's now in JYP'S 15&. Jimin's the same age as me too haha.

I'm kinda coming back to my Korean craze after some time of listening to English songs haha. Must be the influence of watching some K-variety like Running Man, Hello Counsellor and Appa Odiga (Willie fiercely recommended this and now he's all crazy about the whole father-kid idea and even toyed with the fact of using it as a GP example for Family.I wish him luck for his promos heh).

Anw i'm gonna be flying to South Korea from 29 Nov to 7 Dec for the Humanities Prog trip! I was sad that we couldn't go Japan cos of all the recent stuff happening there but Korea's great too so i'm excitedddddd :DD I can read and converse a bit of basic Korean but I don't think that will be useful there where they speak Korean so fluently :x

Life

 

I think this cat is so adorbs i feel like tying a bunch of helium balloons to Skippy's chest and see if he flies around too :B Skipp's cocooned in his blankie now staring at me, judging me O_O "I'm watching you woman."

 

Haha i'm kinda almost in party mode now cos most or rather all of my major papers are over and although I don't think I fared well enough to party, SO WHAT i'm just happy that i'm liberated from all the stress. Like when the paper is over some weight is lifted off my head and my brain becomes less saturated with exam info and stuff.

 

I've been having mixed emotions lately the past 2 weeks - angry, melancholic, contented, ashamed, amused, lonely and dazed.

 

Angry: "Don't turn your back on me. Why don't you stare at my back for a change and see how you like it. You've been dead for so long and now you turn up alive just to show me your back?"

 

Melancholic: "If I were drunk on alcohol I wonder what kind of things besides puke would escape unconsciously from my mouth - I don't know what my true feelings are and probably alcohol can force the truth out."

 

Contented: "Life's normal so far and i'm just an ordinary girl living a plain life without any surprises."

 

Ashamed: "I'm sorry for ever thinking that way I had no idea you had more important things to worry about I was so wrong."

 

Amused: "Running Man is funny :)"

 

Lonely: "On days like this riding the long bus journey home from one end of Singapore to another I wish I had that special one to make me feel like i'm not alone with his texts. At this time I could be having dinner with him. It must be nice having that special one and being your special one's special one."

 

Dazed: "What would I do with my life if an apocalypse never came?"

 

 

There are so many things I want to do in the future:

1) Own a Vespa and ride it around.

I've asked dad if he would let me ride a scooter and while mom was cool with everything that isn't outrageous he said if he didn't let my second sister learn how to ride a motorcycle he won't let me learn how to ride a scooter. Apparently dad finds it dangerous from his experience. Dad used to ride a motorcycle in his younger days, but an accident that resulted in him undergoing eye surgery put an end to all that.

 





I want a Vespa scooter cos cars would be expensive and motorcycles are too rough for me (I burnt my calf on my cousin's motorbike exhaust pipe before)

2) Live in New Zealand.
I don't really want to stay in Singapore, and it's not that I don't love it - Singapore is great with its security and cleanliness but it's too stressful staying here. Everything is about numbers and numbers and I don't think i'll ever find peace if I stay. In my dream house in NZ I want to raise some farm animals like cows and horses and chickens...and a pet pig! I am a lover of scenic places and I think NZ fits the bill really well

 

But I want to travel the world too, to USA, Paris, Italy, Africa, UK, the Arctic etc.

3) Have a career that most of my friends probably won't do in future

And my ambitious child-like mind plays with thoughts of being an actress, a singer, a militant and other stuff.

 

I want a refreshing, peaceful and beautiful life :)

Echo

 

Echo by Foxes

 



I can hear your thoughts
Please, don't leave me now
I can't sleep alone
Chasing the light untill the dawn

Thought we left a trail
Back to the way that it was
I can see you now
In your eyes you let it fall

Running in a crypt
Talk a thousand words
Hiding in the dark
When the violence starts
Looking for a sign we've gone too far, far

Don't hide in the dark
Playing shadow games
Turn out the lights
Ooo-ooo
Time for a change
'Cause the devil sleeps in your head
Don't hide in the dark
Playing shadow games
Turn out the lights
Ooo-ooo
Didn't you say we would stay
'Till we heard the last
Echo, echo, echo

Look into my eyes
Do you see something to defend?
Spinning in the lights
Will I grow old before I die?

Silence is a curse
I feel it breaking the ice
I can see you now
In your eyes you let it fall

Running in a crypt
Talk a thousand words
Hiding in the dark
When violence starts
Looking for a sign we've gone too far (too far, far)

Don't hide in the dark
Playing shadow games
Turn out the lights
Ooo-ooo
Time for a change
'Cause the devil sleeps in your head
Don't hide in the dark
Playing shadow games
Turn out the lights
Ooo-ooo
Didn't you say we would stay
'Till we heard the last
Echo, echo, echo

Yea-yeah, uh-oh uh-oh yeah eyo oh [x4]

You got the beat inside
Turn out the guiding light
The dark is on your side
You got to beat it [x2]

Yea-yeah, uh-oh uh-oh yeah eyo oh


A Whole New World

 

haha a funny picture to lighten everyone's moods :) they should put this in the show - ratings would shoot up I swear.

 

Promos are like 8 days away and honestly I don't feel as stressed as I did during the June hols prepping for MYEs.

 

In fact my whole life is changed. I dropped H2 Math to H1!!! I was initially hesitant cos promos aren't far off and my ct wasn't really too supportive when I consulted her cos I might lose an edge to the others who offer 4H2s. But dropping math to H1 mightn't be so bad cos I can consider taking up a H3 for my other subjects!:)

 

so Danyel and I dropped and after the first H1 Math tutorial I felt my life was changed. For the better. H1 math didn't even involve trigo, no product or quotient rule for differentiation and no second derivatives. IT'S EVEN EASIER THAN O LEVEL A MATHS!!!I feel like a changed person haha and when Alicia saw me after my first H1 class she was like "oh man you look so happy I feel like dropping too".

 

I'm also slightly more confident for econs after all those remedials with Ms Yip cos I've been improving in the progress tests.In fact i'm starting to like econs more than geog now I think :o but oh wells we'll see how I do for promos!

 

 

I'm starting to feel slightly more contented with life and i'm not so troubled over feelings like I used to.But what peeves me now is that my PW group keeps teasing me about some guitar mate of mine who used to be my H2 Math peer tutor, Shi Ke.

 

And it's not like we are close in the first place, it's cos Yoush my pw mate wanted to take the opportunity to push attention away from her and her own peer tutor since we used to tease them :/ but hey you'd def get the attention since you two text a lot and all.

 

I just had 2 tutoring sessions in school and this happens this is so screwed. The sessions were also harmless really in fact I was scared of him since he didn't seem exasperated by my mathematical stupidity and you know how people who don't seem to get angry at anything are the most unpredictable and therefore scariest.i'm sure he's never seen someone quite as hopeless as me in math so I find it weird that he doesn't get irritated (maybe he was irritated just that he hid it well done you)

 

so now it's really awks to see him in school because whenever I do my friends start teasing and i can't say hi properly like a normal friend. So much for wanting to stay low key in JC, as if all those stupid commotion in sec school wasn't enough to plague and ruin my enjoyment of secondary schooling.

 

Dawn wonders why I'm so peeved since it's not the first time i've ever been teased in my life like this, but there's a difference depending on who you're teased with. Like if you were teased with someone whom you're close to and you've known some time it's pretty understandable since people might have seen the two of you together often. Or if it's someone you actually have feelings or interest for. But my guitar mate is just someone I know from the same cca, don't talk to much except say hi and bye to (until the tutoring sessions started) and who just happened to be assigned to me because the same math tutor we have arranged it that way! grrrrr.

 

I just want to enjoy JC life peacefully without drama and accidents. I had enough of those the last 4 years, enough to make me regret though the experience I got out of them was valuable - i'm stronger and i'm more careful now. Of course I still like looking at good looking guys and girls (VJ has plenty of them, especially the girls) but I don't wanna be involved emotionally - just enjoy the scenic view and that's it i'm happy. 

 

And besides I really don't think I can even get involved since I've become really unfeminine fat and ugly. Eric and Dawn say I look like a guy - they keep using the word "buff" and youxuan tells me that if she wasn't with her boyfriend Billy and if she went les she would want me cos i'm "buff".

 

Honestly i'm NOT buff I have a big guyworthy build and muscular calves (from 6 years of dancing followed by abrupt stop in dancing activity) and arms (4 years of military band training of push ups Buddha claps and holding instruments up for long hours) other than that i'm all fats and nothing. of course I wanna slim down but when i'm stressed I tend to eat a lot so i'm gonna wait till after PW and start running more.hopefully.

 

Also yesterday I had a really fantastic dream.

 

I've always believed when we dream (dream or nightmare regardless) we go to our own worlds, a place we've subconsciously created with experiences of the outside world, terribly strange to others if they could ever just sneak a peak, but familiar though not always pleasantly familiar to ourselves. A world that belongs to us. Just us.

 

So usually the dreams we have are mostly familiar feeling. Like for me, the places I dream of (with different plots sometimes) include a building that has features of both my primary school and my secondary school, an old abandoned but still functioning hotel with a Chinese restaurant in the basement, dark void decks with brightly-lit lifts that have hanging white bodies in them and never stop at the floor you want it to stop and some other places I can't recall now. These dreams are mostly dark, lonely and occasionally pretty scary but somehow comforting in a warped way.but I still have a little fear of lifts (they've killed people)

 

But yesterday's dream was entirely different, like unlocking a whole new world or place in my own world inside.It felt magical and warm, and unlike most other dreams, vivid - I can remember it clearly:

 

I am watching from the dark like in a theatre, dancers performing in the spotlight a play without lines, just beautiful music. Then i'm being pushed onto the stage into the spotlight amidst the flurry of dancing men and women, and somehow I find myself frantically looking at them and trying to emulate their moves, to fit in and be part of the performance (a wonder why I didn't just scoot off the stage).

Then it felt as if there was a change in music (I felt it,i didn't hear it) and I saw some dancers running into the curtains. Before I could react I felt myself being lifted in the air by a pair of strong hands and I thought to myself "someone could actually lift me this is amazing!" and I felt more confident in spite of the impromptu circumstances, lifting my arms like a graceful dancer (embarrassing thinking of it now, but it was a performance after all).

 

I was put down and I turned to face my partner - an older man (prob late 20s?) with short straight red hair and captivating but kind green eyes (this is obviously Caucasian if you're trying to picture my dream  - no he isn't a cosplayer) dressed in a white dress shirt, black pants and a simple black blazer. I sensed he knew I wasn't supposed to be here but he continued the performance nonetheless, the both of us waltzing - a charismatic confident man and a uncertain girl trying to put on a façade of professionalism to no avail, stumbling helplessly. And as if part of the performance I found myself in a warm embrace that signalled the end of the show. He held my hand to do what performers do at the finale, bowing to the audience, after which he smiled.

"The actual actress didn't come?"

"Uh...no..."

"Oh. Well you did a fine job you should do this more often eh?"

And he was engaged by people congratulating him, slowly moving away from me. I was congratulated too, amidst that magical and warm atmosphere I saw a screen with the production title "The Witch's Foot".

 

Then the dream ended and it was Saturday morning, 10.30 ish.