Haha lemme just put this MV of Zedd's Stay the Night featuring Paramore' Hayley Williams! I'm not really a huge fan of electronic music but i think Zedd's really talented and i appreciate his form of music :)
Lately I chanced upon a fellow Victorian's tumblr and when i was reading it i realised there were many things i could relate to this person. How we both take to writing posts as a form of release, how we mull and keep thinking about life - the fears, the expectations, the opinions. I found myself echoing this person's thoughts, nodding along as i scrolled through pages.
Self-Acceptance
And this person (whom i don't know personally) actually seems like a really popular person, well-liked, has things going great etc. from what i see (i recognise the person) yet the pages of the person's blog is filled with constant but really deep questions about acceptance, worries about meeting expectations and insecurities of the future. One part of it i remember significantly was when the person scrutinized its appearance and pointed out one feature it was largely dissatisfied about. All that went through my mind as i read that part was something i heard before:
And it went something like,
You don't have to keep worrying about changing that feature you're not proud of, because one day someone is gonna love you for you and that feature which you were so ashamed of is gonna be the feature that person loves the most.
I'm not so sure about the part about someone loving the feature you dislike, but i do know that the feature you dislike isn't bad at all, because it's what defines you. Despite this fact i'm still open to ideas of surgery and all, because sometimes we just need that small boost of reassurance and confidence that comes with perfectionism.
It's been 4 days since i started my plan to lose weight and i'm happy to say i managed to be disciplined. Even though i sometimes get sad,empty and miserable from excluding carbos mostly (and there're so many good food with carbos) and working out at the gym, i'm actually very happy knowing that i can actually do this! I feel more confident too, and making my own food is the best part, such as the 'breakfast' i had for 'dinner' today.
The bread was the only carbs i let myself have today cos i had Caesar salad for breakfast, rootbeer for lunch and so i needed some energy. Making my own food and eating it makes me happy haha. Mom tried it and liked it alot so i promised her i'd make it for her breakfast one day.
Religion
Another thing that hit me while reading this person's tumblr was the constant praise of God. Now this is a really really sensitive subject - Religion.
I was born and raised in a Christian family, growing up listening in awe to the Bible stories, singing along to hymns and being taught that there was this powerful omniscient figure called God who loves me and sent his son Jesus to die for my sins. I know all the Bible stories, understood what was taught me and for most of my childhood went along with all of it. I said my prayers before meals and before going to bed, participated enthusiastically at Sunday school memorising Bible verses and obediently followed what my family did.
However at the crucial and sensitive stage of entering my adolescent years, church conflicts about what version of the Bible to use split the church in two and my family moved to another church. At that time i as young and all i was concerned about was not being able to play with my Sunday school mates after Bible lessons. We kept moving churches to see where we felt comfortable in and finally settled at GLCC. By then i was a confused teen with unsteady faith. To make things worse my eldest sister who back slided in her faith often had deep conversations with me (at 13-14 years old) questioning Christianity and like Adam and Eve with the extra knowledge, i started having my doubts fester and grow and those trusting and faithful moments i had with God just burned off.
Now i'm still going to church with my family, but i feel like a traitor. My eldest sister accepted the Lord again after she met her husband but i'm still stuck here with my doubts. My family knows that i haven't been 'saved', and everytime it's Holy Communion week i wish i could just bolt out the door when i pass the tray of communion over. I refuse to get baptised (even though it's easy for anyone to just fake their belief and get baptised) because i'm not a liar even if i'm not a believer. And i still go to church because i'm not going to firmly cut off my beliefs - i'm still trying to see. It's not like i'm not giving believing in God a chance. I don't actually sleep with my eyes open during sermons. I'm still searching. But i admit i'm not searching hard enough.
I know how evangelists reach out to unbelievers. The touching story of how God gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our petty sins. The magnitude of God's unconditional and merciful love and pardon moves the unbeliever's heart. I know all of that, but i just don't feel it. How do you expect me to believe if i don't feel anything? And what makes it worse is that i already know what they're gonna preach and say because the teachings still burn deep from my childhood. I sometimes envy the unbelievers who start with a clean slate and are more ready to take in God's Word. But me. I just can't take it in. I'm sorry.
Being a good friend
I'm an introvert. I love spending time alone doing things i enjoy because that's how i gain my energy. But most of close friends are extroverts and somehow i think they like my companionship. And it's because these extrovert friends of mine need a listening ear. Which is what i provide most of the time. A listening ear. or ears.
It's funny that i don't actually say much but my friends keep wanting to hang out, like these days Dawn's been wanting to hang out even though i've been having her over at my house more often, and Patrick's also been wanting to go out. Just this evening Weijun my son called after his Night Study wanting to talk because he was troubled so i invited him over to my house so he could tell me his troubles as i worked on my WR but since mom and dad was home he just kept quiet so i made him study beside me as i worked. About 9 i decided to go down with him to the coffeeshop and have some drinks so he'd be more comfortable with talking.
Mom commented to Dad that she finds that my friends all look for me when they're troubled and most of the time i get nothing in return, or have no one to turn to when i'm the one troubled. Which i find partially true actually. It feels like i spend my socialising time giving attention to others who need it. But it's not that i mind it at all actually. This is how i socialise. I do know how to control, because for introverts like me, i get tired easily from socialising while my extroverted friends gain my energy, so i usually don't reply or don't go out, and just stay home to regain my energy alone. I appreciate loneliness, and i think this is what makes me special. Mom said i should be a cousellor haha.
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