The past few days've been really eventful and it feels like my life is a mess - i'm not enjoying all of this (though I should make the best out of them).
I cried on Friday at school - the first in a very long time. I've never cried even at home this year before Friday. Well i'm not proud of it at all, and I think it was stupid of me to cry. The word "cry" breaks from the mouth as you pronounce it, like a shaking and trembling syllable tearing and shredding through the air like a tear drop. If I ever cried I wanted it to be tears of laughter and happiness.
"Sorry but I don't really want to talk to you now."
It felt like a slap to my face. Did you know? Of course I am absolutely at fault for all of it. I was irresponsible, selfish and insensitive. You had every right to scold me, yell at me for stopping work just so I could have my petty 5 hours of sleep. If you could tank, why couldn't have I? I deserved that verbal slap. But I can't help but feel like I've been stripped naked and left out cold.
Your words burned. I tried so hard to breathe, trying to change my guilt into indignance so that the bad feeling won't gnaw so. I ran away to break away from what you did, but concern and comfort from the friends who ran after me just broke all my defences and I cried. Bloody hell I cried and I still hate myself for it. Yes it is good to let out the feelings BUT I didn't deserve the concern I got.
I'm so affected, not just because I'm weak, but because all this while everyone has thought me nice, considerate and harmless, even though it was all just so that I could be safe in everyone's impressions. I thought since people think that way i'd never have to worry about being disliked and attacked. But it seems I was wrong.
Yes, now we're on great talking terms because your anger has dissipated. But it stings and I find it all hard to forget. No it wasn't your fault, it is mine. But I never want to cry ever again for such a stupid reason.
The past three days we had some peer-tutoring CIP activity my PW group organised as fieldwork, and while it ended great, truthfully I was a little dissatisfied, mostly with myself.
I now believe that i suck at communicating with children. My fellow guitar tutors were giving me advice on how to talk to children and while I appreciated the feedback, i was berating myself inside while they kindly advised me.
I'm not a fucking spoilt brat (the youngest daughter in my family) who grew up in comfort and therefore doesn't know shit about kids or hate kids or anything. My mom used to babysit babies and toddlers a lot in the past full time so while I helped with the daily household chores like folding and hanging clothes, sometimes vacuuming and mopping I would feed them, sometimes bathe them and play with them.
But while I know how to look after their needs i realise I have no idea how to communicate with them, which is a lot like my mom. When I was younger I always felt like my mom didn't understand me at all even though she was great at meeting all the household needs. It was only when I hit secondary school that my mom and I slowly began to connect, and today my mom (and my dad too) are my best friends and I love them though I still get angry at them when they quarrel about the most unimportant things ever.
I find it so cool when I just talk about stuff like friends, CCA, gossip and even boys with my parents, and instead of responding with "Don't do this" or other naggy stuff, my parents chat with me casually and sometimes even give the funniest (and sometimes underhand sly) tips.
I am so much better and communicating with the elderly, like during SLV I felt so comfortable when I talked and laughed with the elderly at TungLing Eldercare. I can somehow understand the elderly better than kids even though I was once a kid and not yet an elderly.
Yeah so today was the last day at the CIP event at CDAC Sengkang, and the kids were awesome:)
My days have been filled with so much turmoil and all I just want is peace. I'm so disappointed cos with all the worries and stress I've deviated from my diet plan and I feel horrible and weak. When PW is done i'm going to find my inner peace.
But it would be difficult because we all go round and round, up and down in life, never stopping, hardly slowing, and we never find time to enjoy the scenery around us cos everything is in a whirl, a myriad of colours blending altogether, like the amusement park ride below.
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