Alone

And I don't mean the typical loneliness that everyone thinks of when they see the word "alone".

On Monday while waiting for the other PW mates to arrive, Ida and I were in the canteen talking. I was helping her find an inspiration and idea for her painting to be submitted for the UOB Young Artists Competition, and she decided to pick the topic of Loneliness.

What do people always think of when they think of Loneliness?

Tears. Sadness. Black and white. Excluded. Shunned. Unwelcome. Alone...alone.

And then they say "You don't understand at all."

It isn't wrong to associate the feeling with all that's been mentioned. But people seem to focus on the negative aspect of loneliness.

Right now I'm alone in the living room at 1.04 am in front of the computer screen writing a blog post while waiting for my PW mate to send me the written report so I can proof read, format and edit it. I'm not alone yet but I will once my group mate sends the document to me and goes to sleep. The rest have died already.

Today there was a clash between my group members and I tried to ease the situation.

I'm getting shit these days but instead of indignance I feel lonely, which is weird.

My group mates all have their problems too and most of what comes out from their mouth is hatred, anger, disappointment. They say things like "I know you have this prob and that, but please remember I ALSO HAVE MY OWN PROB" etc etc.

I realised most of the time I get mad only because people are quarrelling, like my PW mates or my parents. Other than that I don't really get mad about things related to me, and whenever a situation comes I automatically try to understand them.

In all that niceness I feel lonely. It's the weirdest way to feel lonely. Being able to understand what most others cannot (not the academics but the feelings). Because I start to ask myself:

If I always make myself understand others, will anyone try to understand me?

The only ones I can safely say will try to understand me are my parents. I love them so much because they try to understand me. They aren't as loving to each other as most of my other friends' parents but my parents are special people.

I have many friends who trust me and come to me with troubles. I used to go to them with troubles too, but lately all the stuff that has happened made me decide that I will not open my heart to just anyone, even those whom I call best friends.

Truthfully, I don't believe there can easily be best friends. I'm starting to have trust issues, and it doesn't help that I am insecure to begin with, coupled with my tendency to put on an act to everyone I see.

Doesn't God get lonely sometimes? Being able to see what any other being cannot. But you wouldn't say his loneliness, if he ever had loneliness, negative. It is necessary. It has to exist. Everything has a role.

I'm not likening myself to God or whatever, but I think this loneliness I feel is necessary. I have a role to play in other people's worlds. I'm not their main character, so I will play my part and be the one that tries her best to understand.

If everyone tried to be the main character, then there won't be any story. Then again, what is a story without its villains and fairy godmothers?