Jitters

It's here. Well not yet, but it's coming. The dreaded A level results day. NEXT MONDAYYYYYYY ~ *thunderclaps*

Sigh I really don't like the feeling of waiting for something to happen, and results release are always dreadful. I still remember having wrote a post before the release of my O level results, and now I'm reliving those feelings of apprehension.

What's done is already done and I don't expect a miracle to happen like my O level results. I've always handled bad results well throughout school life - never broke down in front of people, mulled over it too long etc., because I know getting depressed won't help and would spoil the mood for other people. I would accept it, still feel a little disappointed, but just shake off that shroud of depression and try to forgive myself.

But ugh it's hard to say if I can maintain that threshold of forbearance next Monday. After all, my results would kinda be a huge determining factor in my career path in future now won't it?

No matter. I need to focus on keeping a cool head and just taking things in stride. Be that cool, unconcerned sunbathing cat on a blue roof. The world doesn't end just because I can't get the right number of As or rank points on my result slip.

Anyway I have lots of things to look forward to after the results release. The Last - Naruto the Movie will be showing in theatres on 12 March (YATTAA!), I'll be in my dream land of Japan for a week, and I made plans with Iggy to go explore Haw Par Villa so that I could take more pictures! 

Yeap, I should keep my eyes on things that are more meaningful rather than waste my time (and other people's time) being all upset and moody.

Sackcloth & Ashes

Heard of the term before? I just discovered something interesting recently and thought it'd be nice to share it (definitely more interesting than my depressing perspectives of life haha...)

So it started when I had this determination to post pretty pictures of sceneries and nature on Instagram (my favourite social media...and the only one I'm active on). 

And with that resolve I started following accounts for inspiration, like @folkmagazine and @wilderness_culture for stunning landscapes, @chinamisakamoto and @utosh for food pictures and many others. And lately I've been lucky enough to get random international followers who share the same interest in landscape photography (so most of the time I follow back to return the favour!).

And there's this one account - @sackclothxashes that is actually an American online shop (http://www.sackclothandashes.com/) that sells really beautiful blankets. With every blanket ordered, the shop will donate one to the buyer's local homeless shelter. 

Yeah it's nothing new you'd probably think. Charitable organisations and businesses always mention something about a portion of their earnings or proceeds going to some kind of fund for a group of people who need aid. 

But I really like the idea somehow because a blanket symbolises comfort, warmth and a temporary shelter. In my opinion it makes a lot more sense and meaning than just money. The blankets are really pretty too! 

Sorry the picture's blurry cos I ripped it from their ig account. I wanna get me one of those socality blankets though, but they're still working on making international shipping available so I gotta wait :)

That's not the interesting part. The name sackcloth and ashes is actually a Jewish (or Biblical) symbol of mourning and repentance, where people used to wear uncomfortable sackcloths made of stiff goat's hair and sit in ashes that represented desolation to express their grief. 

The founder and CEO of Sackcloths & Ashes, Bob Dalton, was inspired by the hardship his own mother had to go through when she was forced by unfortunate circumstances into homelessness. "It was then that I realized that not all choose to become homeless - that some just need a second chance." as quoted on the website. 

As such, by wrapping oneself in a Sackcloth & Ashes blanket, one is mourning for the homeless population and expressing repentance by contributing to the local homeless people, according to the company.

In Singapore it is hard to find homeless people nowadays due to the efforts put in by the government and charitable organisations. However I'm sure there are still homeless people, or people on the verge of being homeless out there on the streets even though our country is relatively prosperous and has a low unemployment rates. 

My sympathy extends to them. Because I've always had the privilege of having a comfortable house to return to everyday and call home, I can't imagine how miserable it must be to be homeless.

Head over Heart

I've lived at least 18 years now and I'm still inexperienced.

But these years have seen me change, grow, and come to an unfinalized conclusion - head over heart.

Head over the heart. Decisions based on contemplation rather than impulse. 

I used to be passionate with the things I loved, acting on my feelings. Fuelled with emotions I was always the starry eyed idealist who leapt into the heat of things recklessly. 

Looking back at the me then feelings of regret, disgust and scorn fill me because my heart never got me anywhere or anything in the end. Throwing in more of my effort into the flames of passion only garnered more useless ashes and dirtied my hands with soot. 

Feelings hurt. You hurt others and yourself. Why do we all like to inflict pain on one another? People seldom ever think about how their impulsive decisions affect others. You may have been angry for a brief moment and taken it out on someone, thinking nothing of it. But your cutting words are left ringing in their minds. Echoing. Burning deeper and deeper.

You may like someone and it's probably unrequited. Your thoughtless persistence that you deem romantic is most probably a huge burden on that person.

I'm still inexperienced and I'm learning more about being human. But I've had enough of hurting one another. I'm going to protect myself by guarding my feelings behind my mind. By fighting off the surge of emotions and dealing with things practically. 

Because we don't live in a drama play or fairy tale. We live in reality. Leave the romance and passion in your imagination. We're weak, every one of us. So we shouldn't try to bite off more than we can and think we're the main character of life, acting all dramatic, unthinking.

Status Check

It's been eons since I wrote anything. Say hi to Jia Jia from the River Safari,nomming away on bamboo shoots!

So I've just started work this month at the Singapore Zoo as a guest relations officer - sounds like a lot of authority but really I just keep vigil at the entrance, say hello to tourists, scan their tickets and answer their queries. Sometimes I've to go conduct surveys too. 

It's just a week into the job and I'm getting really tired of it for two reasons:

1) the boots that form part of our uniform are so uncomfortable to stand in for hours

2) I don't learn new things very much and I feel like I'm wasting my time here straining my cheek muscles smiling at visitors.

But I don't wanna whine too much, because I don't like it when I hear people constantly complaining about their lot so I'd better not do it myself. I'd love to do something that's more self-fulfilling though. Just like during my stint at Cacio e Pepe where I did pick up useful culinary and social skills while serving customers.

I'm gonna just see how it goes till March. Meanwhile I should just keep looking out for opportunities.

I've also been spending time watching Naruto, playing FFXIII (finally defeated Barthandelus and moved on in the game) and playing god in Sims 3. I'm so Naruto-crazy now and I'm drastically slowing the speed at which finish episodes because I foresee the terrible withdrawals at the end.

Right now I'm kinda doing a sort of personal status check in this post, so my mental and emotional status comes next.

Regarding my never ending struggle with existence, I'm presently putting it on hold. I'm currently not reading new books so I haven't been questioning myself much and it makes me less of a brooding person now. But even though it takes some weight off my mind I feel so stagnant now. I conclude that the search for the meaning of life is what drives me to continue living spiritually. It assures me that I'm still alive and not just surviving, yet it scares me to know the destination of my journey. I'm always fighting inside, and it's awfully lonely knowing that nobody else but God and myself can see my fears for themselves. 

Next comes the "juicy" part that forms the bulk of every girl gossip - romance.

This is the age when most girls - no actually girls think it all the time don't they - consider guys who have the potential of pursuing a relationship together with. Even dad who usually doesn't initiate the topic on his own (a mom job so it seems) advised me (albeit awkwardly) on how I should respond if a guy at work approaches me for my number, before I started work. It was amusing, but I am heartened by a father's resolve to protect his daughter.

Honestly it's really hard for me to imagine getting involved in romance much less enter a relationship right now. I pretty much feel antagonistic towards guys generally in that way (what I mean is that I'm fine with being friends but adverse to ideas of going further). I am a self-centered practical person who seeks to break out of stereotype. I care a lot about how I feel, what I get and how I'm treated. And I get irritated at expectations of girls being demure, submissive and requiring protection. So I'm definitely not going to be the loving dreamy girlfriend who "belongs" to some guy, dresses prettily or whatever you see these days. 

To put it short, I do not need a guy to "complete" me, or look after me, or fuss over me. Because I am an independent individual who is equal to a man. Dawn says I've always been antagonistic to guys, it's only the intensity of it that varies, after I berated her when she told me about how she felt about a guy she likes.

Don't get me wrong! Before you hold me to whatever I did not mean to imply, I must make it clear that it's not that I swear off any advances into a relationship. If God or fate permits, I will meet someone whom I will care for and protect as if he were my own self, as he would for me. Someone who seeks to understand my thoughts and share them, someone who respects and trusts my strengths. Like a powerful tag team.

I've been having the dreams about elevators with hanging bodies again. Really, if there was any way I could find out about dreams, or even anything I could do about them (not get rid of them), I could probably find something interesting. Dreams are such mysterious things.