Status Check

It's been eons since I wrote anything. Say hi to Jia Jia from the River Safari,nomming away on bamboo shoots!

So I've just started work this month at the Singapore Zoo as a guest relations officer - sounds like a lot of authority but really I just keep vigil at the entrance, say hello to tourists, scan their tickets and answer their queries. Sometimes I've to go conduct surveys too. 

It's just a week into the job and I'm getting really tired of it for two reasons:

1) the boots that form part of our uniform are so uncomfortable to stand in for hours

2) I don't learn new things very much and I feel like I'm wasting my time here straining my cheek muscles smiling at visitors.

But I don't wanna whine too much, because I don't like it when I hear people constantly complaining about their lot so I'd better not do it myself. I'd love to do something that's more self-fulfilling though. Just like during my stint at Cacio e Pepe where I did pick up useful culinary and social skills while serving customers.

I'm gonna just see how it goes till March. Meanwhile I should just keep looking out for opportunities.

I've also been spending time watching Naruto, playing FFXIII (finally defeated Barthandelus and moved on in the game) and playing god in Sims 3. I'm so Naruto-crazy now and I'm drastically slowing the speed at which finish episodes because I foresee the terrible withdrawals at the end.

Right now I'm kinda doing a sort of personal status check in this post, so my mental and emotional status comes next.

Regarding my never ending struggle with existence, I'm presently putting it on hold. I'm currently not reading new books so I haven't been questioning myself much and it makes me less of a brooding person now. But even though it takes some weight off my mind I feel so stagnant now. I conclude that the search for the meaning of life is what drives me to continue living spiritually. It assures me that I'm still alive and not just surviving, yet it scares me to know the destination of my journey. I'm always fighting inside, and it's awfully lonely knowing that nobody else but God and myself can see my fears for themselves. 

Next comes the "juicy" part that forms the bulk of every girl gossip - romance.

This is the age when most girls - no actually girls think it all the time don't they - consider guys who have the potential of pursuing a relationship together with. Even dad who usually doesn't initiate the topic on his own (a mom job so it seems) advised me (albeit awkwardly) on how I should respond if a guy at work approaches me for my number, before I started work. It was amusing, but I am heartened by a father's resolve to protect his daughter.

Honestly it's really hard for me to imagine getting involved in romance much less enter a relationship right now. I pretty much feel antagonistic towards guys generally in that way (what I mean is that I'm fine with being friends but adverse to ideas of going further). I am a self-centered practical person who seeks to break out of stereotype. I care a lot about how I feel, what I get and how I'm treated. And I get irritated at expectations of girls being demure, submissive and requiring protection. So I'm definitely not going to be the loving dreamy girlfriend who "belongs" to some guy, dresses prettily or whatever you see these days. 

To put it short, I do not need a guy to "complete" me, or look after me, or fuss over me. Because I am an independent individual who is equal to a man. Dawn says I've always been antagonistic to guys, it's only the intensity of it that varies, after I berated her when she told me about how she felt about a guy she likes.

Don't get me wrong! Before you hold me to whatever I did not mean to imply, I must make it clear that it's not that I swear off any advances into a relationship. If God or fate permits, I will meet someone whom I will care for and protect as if he were my own self, as he would for me. Someone who seeks to understand my thoughts and share them, someone who respects and trusts my strengths. Like a powerful tag team.

I've been having the dreams about elevators with hanging bodies again. Really, if there was any way I could find out about dreams, or even anything I could do about them (not get rid of them), I could probably find something interesting. Dreams are such mysterious things.