Contradictions

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I don't think my post has got anything directly to do with today's cover picture, but I really love this picture for a couple of reasons: 

First off, it's from one of my favourite animated films of all time - Spirited Away or 千と千尋の神隠し Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi - which would always have a place in my heart. Secondly, the senses of this picture somewhat resonates with the messy mix of emotions within me. There's an almost monotonous calmness with all the stagnancy and lack of life, save for Chihiro and the exhaust spewing from the chimney. Yet there's also an underlying sense of anxiety and fear about what lies ahead when facing the almost menacing and towering building.

Life - school life to be specific since it dominates the majority of my time now -  at the present feels like this to me. I suck in and hold my breath silently as I am aware of the looming deadlines and heavy workload weighing down on my spirit. I try to keep myself light-hearted and calm in the midst of all the anxiety and worries that effervesce from deep inside me. And even so, I still have to struggle from possibly wandering off too far beyond reality in order to stave the unbearable feeling of restlessness. Maybe Spirited Away does relate to this post after all, since Chihiro struggles between losing herself to the spirit world and remembering the reality she belongs to in the film.

I have a lot of support from family and (more) friends now in my life, to the point that it actually makes me feel guilty when pessimistic thoughts cloud my mind. I feel as if I don't have time or the right to be depressed when I'm very blessed in actual fact. 

While I've always been aware that I shouldn't be moping, it's the first time that I've actually felt the emotion of guilt in me. When I identified its presence in my consciousness, I was afraid. Yet I don't want to ignore it. I don't want to pass it over with forced optimism, to alter my mindset to think that the cup's half full. Of course it's the same reality regardless of the perspective I take, but these emotions are real. 

The solution to such negativity would probably be to let it all out; to not bottle it within me. However due to this guilt I feel, I become ashamed to share it with another person. I feel as if the person would reject these raw but very much existent feelings within me that IS part of who I am. This kinda reminds me of the 16 Personalities analysis for my type.

I'm not one to swear by stuff like personality analyses or horoscope readings since they may end up prescriptive rather than descriptive in its effect, but I do relate to some of it. My latest personality result is INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), with the key word Advocate. Basically the Advocate describes one who tends to present his/herself as a culmination or patchwork of ideas and beliefs they agree with and wish to exemplify, instead of who they really are. I'd probably relate this to the times I feel as if I'm consciously putting on a show. But then again, who am I beyond such ideas and beliefs?

At this point in time there's anxiety that stems not only from work, but also from the social aspect of my life. I'm made to confront ideas of socialisation again, to consider the pros and cons of isolating myself and stuff like that. When it gets exhausting, I get exasperated and wish to return to a lifestyle that's predictable and safe. Yet it's not as if I don't enjoy the changes in my life at all.

It's infuriating when there are so many contradictions.