Apprehension

This picture looks similar to another that I used for a previous post, just that it's birds here instead of a solitary plane. I said I'd get my fat ass out there to take pictures but I've been so lazy these days and the only thing I did stick according to plan so far was to run daily. I could do so much better ><

I've been passing time gaming mostly, playing Sims 3 (no surprise there) and PS3! My own PS3 broke down but my brother-in-law lent me his since he'll be overseas so I get to play all my games again and the games he owns additionally! So currently I'm playing Final Fantasy XIII and I LOVE THE GAME DESIGN. I'm a sucker for gorgeous game concepts and design and I have not been disappointed at all. Plus the main character Lightning Eclair Farron is the type of heroine I like - strong, rational and cool. Just that she's a tad bit stubborn and unfriendly at times, making it hard for the other characters to get along with her. BUT IT'S OKAY. Lightning earns her place on the pedestal of game heroines I admire and wanna be, next to Ada Wong and Lara Croft. :)

Even though As are over I still feel this twinge of apprehension in me. Now I've to think about jobs, internships, scholarships etc in addition to all the fun stuff I wanna do. And that itself is pretty overwhelming. As usual, I always knock myself out mentally by thinking about stuff and over worrying. I'm applying for a part time job at MOE as a scorer for a short period, and I'm hoping to get it because it's the only job offer so far that would not clash with my internship at SPH (that is, if I do get shortlisted for the scholarship). Waiting for something is the worst thing ever. I hate that awful feeling in your gut from all the anxiety and apprehension.

I was reading previous blog posts and diary entries from before, and besides the constant repetition of my desire to be stronger, I found that I've always mentioned about being afraid. And then I thought to myself - what am I afraid of exactly? What's the cause of this perpetual fear and anxiety inside me?

It's a little too general to say I'm afraid of life. So I thought I should think of a few examples.

The biggest fear on my mind is probably loss. Losing people important to me. Come to think of it, I haven't really experienced true loss. First, you have to be really close to someone to feel utter loss. Before Dawn I probably didn't have any friend whom I felt I could turn to any time, much less depend on. In fact, I don't think I ever trusted anyone enough outside my family to depend on them, because I always wanted to rely on myself. I was usually the one people would rely on, and that didn't really matter to me. Relatives who passed away were too distant for me to feel any difficulty looking into the coffin windows at their faces. How does anyone ever prepare for loss?

Friends come and go, everybody will one day die. I think of the day when I would attend the funeral of my own family, and I have trouble breathing just at that very thought. I think of 50 year-old Samantha, who would by then have experienced loss, and wonder if the me then would think of her 18 year old self and the memories then when everyone dear to me was alive and breathing. Would I be strong enough, when the time comes, to continue walking down the path of life to the inevitability of my own death?

One fear leads to another. Because I'm afraid of loss, I'm afraid of connection. Of people, the tragic race of beings who cling onto one another for community and love. You'd probably think I'm crazy, but I've had thoughts about how being attached to many people would only cause myself excessive hurt when they leave. I confess that I have never made a connection and dedicated myself to it once. My family is always there, and those familiar connections are built with blood. But friends come and go. Apart from being polite and civil, laughing and smiling along with the crowd, I have never gone out of my way to really make a friendship. Friends who used to be "best friends" are now strangers. Some of them would probably try to continue to hold onto to that connection on their end, but they would eventually give up because I'm the one who lets go first. Dawn was the one who made her way into my life and fixed herself there - I don't think I did anything at the start except to respond and be nice. However not everyone has the patience to reach out that far to you.

I'm afraid of the end. Life's a train track - we are that fast-advancing train towards the end of the line that is death. What's even scarier is nearing the tip of the cliff with multiple regrets loaded on my carriages, bringing them down with me heavily.

These are a few existential fears, with more to come. But it's because of these fears that I always strive to be stronger. To be strong enough to continue down the track of life when those I love are taken from me. To be strong enough to fight the fear of connection and just make friends, and be even stronger to move on when they go. To be strong enough to hold my ground, and defend my weak self against those who dare to contend with me and bring me down. To be strong enough to charge towards the end with a light heart. And to be strong enough to protect those I love.

Haha I hope all of these aren't just talk. I really want to be strong. I want to be a fighter. I'm not a feminist but I sometimes take on an antagonistic stance towards men for treating us lightly. All the more I'm not a feminist because I look down on my gender kind for being damsels in distress. Aside from having boobs and missing balls I am no different from anyone - I'm a human being. I can be strong. I love this spirit in me, though sometimes it works pretty badly because when someone questions my view (that is not helpful in a way like pointing out my flaws), I get really angry because I assume almost immediately that the opponent looks down on me and is challenging me.

Anyway on a lighter note, my niece is gonna be named Elysa Chin! :)