Worlds

"When I couldn't see a future and I was afraid. 

When the future was clear and it hurt to see, I just close my eyes and lose myself in happier days."

- Vanille, Final Fantasy XIII

If there was a world I could create and live in, I would fashion one in the likeness of the splendid universe of Final Fantasy XIII. I haven't had the time to complete the game from where I last left off due to school, but I decided to just watch the rest of the story via a gameplay walkthrough instead.

I want to live in a world that is not only breathtakingly beautiful, but a world that has a place for me to take, a purpose to fulfil. I want to be able to feel alive from being threatened with death, and I want to have an entity I could focus my energy on and fight against without restraint. And at the end after a long struggle, I want to be able to fully savour sweet relief.

In this reality, I can't even scream without worrying about a possible consequence. The things that plague me are monotonous yet excruciating at the same time. I feel like a tied up puppet, and I long to break free and live. Yet, I'm always holding back due to fear and uncertainty.

Every time I confront my consciousness, I talk only about how bitter and difficult this world is. We never seem to have a conversation about hunting down solutions or seeking out a change. I just retreat to my world inside and seek refuge there, revelling in the non-existent, idealistic haven I pieced together. It's so much easier to look upon the world out there from this place inside. From such a distance, the world and its problems look smaller and less significant.

I sometimes wish to cease living a double life. I want to disappear and live in an illusion. I want to finally reconcile my two selves and make peace with my being. I long to decelerate and lay down to rest.