It's been ages since I last posted! I've been rather busy lately with school and my own ditch of thoughts. But now I have time and the mind to post cos' I'm having flu now (no school tmr whopeeee) and the intensity of my thoughts have died down a lil'.
I'm still down in the dumps, and moping about life and religion almost every waking moment isn't doing me any good. I had started out with ambitions to make a change, but it's so very difficult and trying. I wanted to read the Bible and find enlightenment, pray to find comfort, and live life purposefully pursuing meaning. But it's just so easy to be resigned and succumb to thoughts of futility.
While people around me in school worry about their next step in education, here I am immersing myself in an abyss of thoughts about life and meaning. Seriously. What is wrong with me. I'm always doing things at inappropriate times!
So many things I wanna be, wanna do. But I'm only human. With animalistic tendencies. I want to be genuinely good and blessed from within my heart. But my human nature is to be ugly and warped and cause hurt.
It seems the more I want to be better, the worse I become. Now I find myself an angry person within, and a moody person outside. It sucks because I know it's hard for others around me. And it isn't healthy at all. Little things make me livid, and because it's so trivial I just hold it all back within and let it seep through as moodiness when really all I want to do is to lash out and intentionally hurt someone. I want to scream, tear my hair out and wreck up everything.
Of course I'm not Eeyore 24/7. I have times when I laugh and smile around friends. But it's all shortlived and I reduce to melancholy again. Why can't I just be happy and stay happy?!
I'm really thankful to have my one best friend Dawn to confide in. She's one of the few people I can really be open to, and I don't think I ever have to put on a façade around her.
Meanwhile I will continue to struggle and emerge from this sickening abyss. I will fight, and overcome my own sorry self.
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