Negativity

These days I've been feeling rather poorly... I don't know if it's just one of those pre-menstrual syndromes or what. Kinda like how it feels looking at the picture above - everything seems so blurry and melancholic, watching the sun set marking another closing of a busy weekday with people mundanely returning to their homes.

I do feel excited for what 2014 has in store for me, but I can't help but feel sad and moody. I'm not missing the past, that's for sure. I've already decided to continue into the future, but this said with a weak motivation and goal.

I leave for home after school, or tuition and sit alone on the bus just putting my earphones on and watching the scenery run by. I reach home, greet mom and dad and just go to my room, close the door and fall on my bed, curling up with my bolster until I somehow fall asleep till my parents wake me up. I feel better after sleeping, because whenever I wake up I feel all numb and dumb all over, and the things that trouble me seem more distant.

I'm trying to be more open, but I can't help feeling over-conscious and wind up thinking I'm being disliked or what I say is just stupid, wishing I never had a mouth. I'm beginning to talk less about myself to even mom whom I think I trust the most, or probably the one friend I always feel comfortable being myself to. Everyday I wake up wishing the day would quickly end and I'd be back comfortably in bed with the silence enveloping me. Being alone is when I feel safest because I won't have to worry about the opinions of others.

I just want to escape, because it's so easy to just run away from all the mess of life. Probably go to somewhere like this:

I feel empty, and I feel angry and hateful too. I'm selfish and self-centred. Almost every time when I've had enough of mulling I really want to scream and thrash something. Yknow I read somewhere before that in some country they had a centre for people to wear padded suits and throw ceramic plates at a wall in an enclosed space. I think I would really love that to vent my anger.

I don't even know what I'm angry at. Life perhaps. It's too late, I'm already 17 years alive. No, I'm not suicidal. I am scared of death.

I get so scared when I imagine myself on a sickbed, watching the ceiling, watching the faces around me peer down with expressions that make me sick in the stomach. Knowing that soon I will just leave and i'll never be watching all that. Or fearing whenever I close my eyes, whether I get to open them again.

It's like going to a place no one has been to and come back alive from. I'm already on the wagon to that inevitability. I can't stop it, and while jumping off before I tip off the end of the track over the cliff is an option, I'm not considering that for now. Makes me wish I never got on that wagon. That maybe not existing would save me this sickening feeling of fear.

Maybe it isn't life I'm afraid of. It's knowing. Knowing that death comes for me. The world says Knowledge is Power. But to me, Knowledge is a pathway to imminent hauntings and fear. Afterall, knowledge was part of what made Adam and Eve, and all their descendants which is us, sinners, according to the Bible.

It's us asking why that makes us so scared. An endless vicious cycle. We have knowledge prompting us to ask more questions to feed our hunger, and having more makes us more voracious. Questions without answers.

We need answers.

I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about all these, and I just want to keep my back against a wall in a corner and just stop knowledge from getting to me, because I have enough questions to haunt me as it is.

I just want a simple life free of such aggravating worries. I envy the oblivious animal sometimes. I think they are a lot more content than I am.