When the voices start to chime in one after another, they coalesce into an intense blur - and all I want to do is to throw down whatever I'm doing and run down a quiet, deserted path where I can lose myself and all sense of the reality waiting.
But even in the silence, I am restless. Even though I can't hear their voices, I see their faces in my mind and our every past interaction surging back. On each memory I cast my doubts and insecurities, and they shuffle along. I can see them looking at me, whispering among each other. But these, vivid as they are, play out only in my conscious. If only I could scratch these useless feelings away and get rid of them.
I am extremely insecure. Most people, to varying extents, are. But I feel it cling to my being like an unwanted disease. I feel it the more I try to hide it, to suppress it. I don't show others how afraid I actually am, but still insist that they do not hold back. And yet even so, I'm not satisfied or appeased. Unsettled, I think about how they're still not completely honest with me, how they'd turn away and reveal what they truly think of me without me there.
When this happens, I start to desire for either one of two things. To disappear and be done with people, to not care about what people think, because it's so much easier to tell someone not to care than to actually disregard the insecurity yourself. The second thing I desire is the ability to read minds.
If I think about it rationally, reading minds isn't actually as great as it sounds for so many reasons. But the way I see it, knowing each and every single thought of everyone I meet would probably give my insecurity a rest. Not because I want to change myself to be the kind of person people would appreciate.
The way I am now, I look at people and think about how they perceive me. Each and every single action, word - anything - I'd give more consideration than necessary and try to determine if they like me or hate me. When I come to know about something that I feel I ought to have known earlier, I'm haunted with many "Why"s. If I could know how they think of me, favourable or unfavourable, at least I don't have to go on a fruitless process of uncertainty and questioning. At least I could deal with it faster and with more resolve. At least I don't have to feel so worthless and hateful about myself.
And I know it's hard to deal with insecurity. It's so easy to tell myself to grow a backbone and deal with it. What can others say? If they knew, they'd be even more careful with the way they interact with me, and that's even worst because they'd be hiding even more from me. This insecurity be damned.
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