Space for None More

Wants

Beyond all this, the wish to be alone:

However the sky grows dark with invitation-cards

However we follow the printed directions of sex

However the family is photographed under the flagstaff - 

Beyond all this, the wish to be alone.

Beneath it all, desire of oblivion runs:

Despite the artful tensions of the calendar,

The life insurance, the tabled fertility rites,

The costly aversion of the eyes from death - 

Beneath it all, the desire of oblivion runs.

- Philip Larkin 

I studied this poem and prepared to use it for my A Level Literature paper during junior college - reading all the analysis materials and model essays, internalizing all of it for the purpose of being able to have the ink from my pen flow unrestrained on those blank foolscap papers. In that sense, I probably never fully appreciated Larkin's work until this moment, as his words resonate with my own feelings now.

It's not that I've never experienced the sudden, unexplained urge to break free from all social contact and isolate myself till now. While lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and identifying the return of this phase of melancholy (like the unannounced return of an old friend whom you're not too pleased to welcome back), Larkin's poem somehow surfaced in my thoughts. I got up and picked out my old Lit text from the shelf, flipping to 'Wants'. 

It's slightly relieving to be able to read words that embody feelings you don't necessarily have the vocabulary to convey - as if you're a step closer to possibly finding the answer or the remedy to this condition. But I don't think even Larkin ever got the answer up till the day he breathed his last. 

My soul is restless.

At this point, a part of me wants to shut away from the world and escape reality (the costly aversion of the eyes), and another is tempted to lose control, go mad and make everyone leave. Either way I don't feel like engaging in any form of serious interaction now. What I do want to do is to travel alone to see beautiful sceneries like the ones in the photos of this post. I could just sit all day and watch the noiseless splendor of Earth. 

This, as I mentioned, is probably just a temporary passing phase of melancholy. Like those dreadful lady days (periods) women endure every month even. 

However one thing has never changed through the tumultuous ups and downs of my feelings and emotions. I am still not ready to share my life with a significant other. At nineteen this year it's probably still too early to say. But in a blink of an eye I will find myself in my late twenties attending weddings and baby showers of friends I grew up with or attended school with, feeling societal pressure to get hitched myself and contribute to the next generation. 

I've seen how my sisters move from adolescence into the next stages of life -  now one of them is a mother while another is going to be a wife in October. Friends and acquaintances around me are all getting attached and engaging in intimate activities with their partners. I expected myself to feel envious and develop a desire to start my own romance, but it still turns out that amidst the whole dizzy, passion-filled atmosphere, I am not ready to commit to another being.

I do feel curious about what it's like to be in love with someone. I listen intently to the love stories of my attached friends. I observe their expressions and smiles as they talk bashfully about their loved ones. I feel happy and excited for them. But it never made me develop an appetite for any of that exhilaration. The most I've done is probably imagine how my relationship would be like (and honestly it never turns out interesting at all haha). 

But I don't like the idea of being bound to someone. I won't think that way once I fall head over heels with someone I guess. It's just that right now I look at the people around me and I feel indifferent. If 'The One' whom I am fated to be together with indeed exists, then I probably haven't met or noticed that person yet. If there's no such thing as being destined to meet that special person, then I have no expectations at all. 

Committing to another person means being responsible for the feelings of that person, and entrusting your feelings to them. It's a huge responsibility, where you could potentially break a person, a huge risk where you could break yourself. 

In all things I do, I've found that I take responsibility for my work and my actions most of the time. I detest irresponsible people. The way I see it, going into a relationship now is like voluntarily giving up the freedom to escape from reality on my own since my high regard for responsibility would lock myself down. 

If going into a relationship means losing the means to keep my sanity and allowing for potential hurt, I'd rather live the rest of my existence alone. I pride myself for finally being able to be in control of my feelings and thoughts. But losing my freedom means losing control, and just the thought of being irrational like a beastly, animalistic human being, worse than we all already are...it's unbearable.

There's no space now. Nobody can even come close or I'll move or chase them away. You'll wait? Don't waste your time. I'm waiting for myself too.