I am a girl in essence - even if I desperately wish to be different, even if I loathe my girl tendencies, even if I pull off a strong front just to show you that I don't need you and that I've moved ahead of you.
Because I'm essentially still a girl who speaks in riddles, who secretly longs for a pillar of support, and wants just the attention of yours despite scoffing at the ways of my kind.
And even if I hate it, it's already in my nature, my instincts. I dislike that I'm still interested in what you do and what you say. I dislike that I actually have to think over what I'm going to say to you just to keep the conversation going. And I hate it even more when I can't bring myself to move back or ahead where you're concerned. You and I above all still have some unspoken history to clean up.
Even if we are talking about something about the painful past I still want to talk. Ironically because you alone are the painful past. I've done away and cut off every memory and contact other than you and I don't know why.
You made me hope that I could actually redeem myself and my past, and invite thoughts of returning to the corridors where i used to run carefree in maroon pleated skirts and white blouse uniform. You tell me that I'm still needed there in those corridors because I was once powerful.
I will not fall prey twice to the same mistake. I will keep to my hypocritical ways and I will stay away from any of the horrible past. I will just forget those 4 years of being in the same place as you.
I hate this game of endless thoughts. None of us want to lose and so I'm not going to play anymore.
I'm not returning.
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