They're clean, neat and reassuring. They are plain, straightforward and focused.
Why can't decisions be the same? If only I lived in a utopian setting where everything is predetermined, and where everyone has a specific role to play, without having to worry about whether this option is good or another choice is better.
I just want to get settled as quickly as possible. I just want to be content and stable. I don't care if someone else has it better than me.
Bummer. Today I went for an interview for the job as a preschool assistant teacher at a newly opened school in Yio Chu Kang. For the past 2 weeks or so my family has been nagging at me to get out and get a job, so after making a call to an ad I saw in the classifieds this morning, I went for the interview.
The job scope included assisting the teacher in the Montessori syllabus, helping with feeding and cleaning up, and observing the preschoolers' progress. The job also required commitment as it wouldn't be good if the children were to form an attachment to me and I were to quit halfway.
I was pretty much confident I could do it, plus the interviewer told me that I would most likely get the job, so I figured I had settled this already.
However when I told my family the news, they advised me to reconsider and look for other jobs instead, raising their concerns over the pay (which I honestly felt was reasonable), and distance (but I've been travelling further distances to school for the past 2 years). I know my family members mean well, and I'm not mad at them. It's just that I really get so tired whenever people start to dissuade me on something when I'm pretty much resolute.
It's like me trying to draw a straight line and people around me are pointing out flaws and loopholes, and the line just isn't straight anymore. It peeves me so much. I just want to get things done and settled pronto. Not drag the time out dipping my digits into different places and contemplating which is the most superb domain for me.
And the worst thing is that even though I could just blindside my family's influence and go ahead with the job, my initial resolution to take up the job has already been weakened, and I feel awful because during the interview I had acted so sure about being able to commit.
Right now I just want to lock myself away from the world, pretend nothing ever happened and pretend I don't exist for a few days until maybe I could convince myself with the delusion that people wouldn't remember me as well. It's because I feel so awful now. I hate giving people false hope more than myself being given false hope.
Why can't someone just make the decisions for me? I could be a Sim and some omniscient figure would be the one dictating what I do, who I meet, where I go.
Sigh. These days I've been feeling pretty vexed. I want to be alone more than ever. I've been having real foolish thoughts like how I'm fat ugly and uninteresting and no one would ever take notice of me. I'm a fool. A weak one. Where has that motivation to be stronger gone to? I feel like a complete loser. I may be wrong, but I pretty much blame interactions for how I'm feeling now.
I know I'm huge. I know. There's no need to mince your words. Because I give myself a harder time than anyone else would. You don't have to laugh that forced laughter. Don't go through all that trouble because nothing will change. It's not like I will feel any better. You think I don't already know? I feel it more than any of you do. This crushing and crumbling self confidence I've worked so hard to build, to enable myself to laugh it off.
I always think I'm not worthy of interaction, or people don't care. I run away a lot. Especially on Sundays when i follow my family to church. After every service I stiffen up, and avoid all eye contact with all the church people until I get into the lift and away from everyone. I always bring a book with me to read at Starbucks while waiting for my family to finish whatever duties or conversations they have before they come to get me.
Those church people who always come up to me with their very bright smiles asking my name again even though I've been here for years (I don't blame them, I'm like a ghost) and inviting me to their gatherings and groups, being overly friendly. They are good people, but I can't help but think that Christians are obliged to keep up that impression of friendliness, of perfection, or holiness. I feel so wretched the more they reach out to me. I feel like I have to act that way too, smiling back my own bright smile, speaking just like they do. Are they not flawed humans like myself?
At the end of everything, I feel more alone than ever. I feel as if everyone is ahead of me, and I'm here just struggling with my existence, wondering what's my purpose. I feel like I'm all ready to give up trying to be strong for myself and for others and just sink in loneliness, disappearing from people's minds, from the world.
If I can't save myself, how can I even dare to dream about saving someone else? And who's there to save me?
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