Say hello to my nephew/niece!
Stella's expecting again after a miscarriage earlier this year, and we're all really excited. I've had cousins who've been pregnant before, but it all feels new when someone that close to you is expecting. I believe the baby, named "Little Chin" by my sister for now until the gender can be confirmed, will be born next April! I'll see you then, kid. :)
I had meant to write about Farewell last week, but I was halfway through the post when Dad asked to use the PC and when I returned he had already closed the page with my work UNSAVED. I just couldn't bring myself to write again, and besides, now that I think about it the Farewell was a little overrated since the week after we still had to come back to school for lectures and mock exams. Pffft.
No but it was still fun and memorable, I'll give it to the juniors who planned the entire affair. The other good thing that happened on Farewell day was that Dawn and I met up with her online Audition (some game) friend to watch 'Annabelle'. And you know just how much I love horror movies. I love it even more when I see people scared, and Dawn was just perfect because she reacted so strongly to every scare and even threw her phone to the ground. 'Annabelle' was good, but not the scariest I've seen. Oh and Dawn had wanted me to meet her friend, whom I will refer to as Lego because I forgot his name hahaha. Dawn got to know Lego online and she kinda likes him so she wanted to introduce him to me (to seek my approval? What am I, your mom?). I had fun observing them when I wasn't talking to Dawn. So nice to be in love :)
The title of this post is 'Foetus', and I'm not just referring to the literal foetus in Stella's womb. I wanted to title this as 'Baby' but immediately my mind was filled with how couples call each other and Justin Bieber's song so NO, I need a classier name for this.
I am the baby of my family because I'm the youngest. I'm not spoilt or anything because I do have my fair share of chores to do and my parents do reprimand me when I don't tidy my room or when I laze around. But that doesn't bereft me of my ability to whine and seek favour from my parents. Whine? Seek favour? What the hell, Sam? In school everyone describes me as "calm", "motherly", "mature" etc etc but at home I am the baby. Mom openly shows her affection towards me sometimes by hugging me and calling me 宝贝 (baby), but she doesn't really do that to my sisters. Dad would still often tease me just like how he did when I was a kid. And I like it.
I actually believe that everyone needs to have a balance. Dawn is the opposite for example. She's the oldest kid in her family and acts the authoritative older sister role but in school she becomes a total baby - needy and whiney.
I was doing some deep thinking (as usual) and I thought about how I will become less of the baby as time goes by, not just because I'm growing, but because my family is changing. I asked Mom this morning as we did the laundry together "Ma, do you miss 大姐(oldest sister)?" and she replied yes, of course she does, but even if she didn't want my sisters to marry and leave this household, there's nothing she can do anyway but to accept and move on.
I asked because I remembered how in this very house, three sisters used to live together and interact with each other, bickering and sharing. But now when Stella comes by to visit, it all feels so different. I know she is my sister, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. She still cares about my well-being and is concerned about my future, but there's this distance in between both physically and emotionally. It's been 3 years since she married my brother-in-law, but I only came to terms with the separation recently because Stacey's getting married next year. (Mom just came by to look at the picture and ask me about what I'm writing and now I'm tearing up like some wimp gosh).
Yeah my second sister is going to be married off soon. I've become much closer to her since Stella married because I interact more with her now, and she looks after me and talks to me a lot. But I'm quite sure that no matter how often she drops by in future, she will be physically and emotionally distanced from me as well. (Mom peeked at what I've written so far and said if I'm like that now how is she going to die in peace TOUCHWOOD.)
I've also recently pulled out all my diaries from before and started reading them. I saw how naive and unappreciative I was which was kind of embarrassing. But I was also impressed with how much I had questioned the things around me, and was fascinated with how I wrote my feelings. (I embarrass, impress and fascinate my own self, how cool is that!) So I took a few shots of my diary entries and decided to share them here:
But when the past is already a dead end, and the future is bleak, what can I do, but to feel sorry for my own plight and existence?"
Y'know I'm impressed with how I wrote this because it's so dramatic haha
" All the evils of the world have their difficulties, miseries, and sadness too, but no one really feels for them, and instead everyone is bent on finishing them off, ridding them out of their lives to make their world rosy. All they know is to flock to the beautiful, and destroy the ugly, but they know not how to pick up the ugly, and polish them to beautify the world. I don't want to hate anybody.
But why am I slowly being made to hate one that I once loved? Why is my world becoming so dark? There is no light anymore. Life is unfair, life is just so unfair.
But I don't want to be hurt and I won't be crushed. I have decided to give up on love, because loving someone will only make me more vulnerable. I'd rather invest my feelings into the non-existent, because my heart's desire will always be fulfilled."
I think during this time I was jealous of people whom I really liked before, and began to feel all antagonistic and of course, naive. I was only 15/16 so forgive me haha
"It's not like I want to be bad. It's not like I'm happy being called scary and being viewed with eyes that see nothing beautiful in me. It's not like I chose to be the antagonist. Everyone wants to have that Happily ever after life. But I'm not that lucky at all. If life deprives me of the live I want, I will fight back and continue without love until I die.
No one can blame me for being evil, no one can blame me for being loveless, no one can blame me for my death. It is you all that pushed me to this stage. If it weren't for you all, I would be spared from this pain. Love is unpredictable and unreliable. I will do it without love. I want to be the strongest antagonist."
This is what I mean by naivety. I had such an imaginative mind and I had sworn so hard that I would do without love haha.
I can't remember the exact date of the entries, but I do know these were written during the very trying period of SYF 2012 near the end of sec 3 and the beginning of sec 4. I didn't have a very happy experience as you can see because I started feeling antagonistic. And up till now secondary school life has been one I'd like to avoid as much as possible. I only have a couple of friends from there that I keep in contact with because secondary school life was a time that i felt so much negativity so I want to distance myself from it.
Speaking of antagonistic, I was recently very interested in personality types. I took the 16 Personality Types Quiz and my result is INTJ.
This is the icon for INTJ types SO CUTE look i have a moustache and a monobrow!
INTJ is supposed to be very rare, forming 2% , and even rarer for females who form 0.8%! I remember the overview mentioned something about fictional antagonists being modelled after this personality type, and they listed BBC Sherlock's Moriarty (MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER) and Hannibal. I found the results pretty accurate for me, and I went around getting friends to do the test because I wanted to read up on their types and try to understand them better.
You should do the test! Click on the link and try it, and see if it's accurate for you.
With only 12 days to the A Levels, I'm feeling all emotionally unstable. But I will push through and finish it. I wrote a note to my future self at the last page of my diary from sec 4, and it ended with
I'll figure a way somehow.
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