Realte and Sognare

Sigh...okay I think I'm feeling slightly better than the time I was writing the previous post.
At that time I felt the urge to write, as always, but the more I wrote, the more chaos I felt inside me which is not usually the effect of writing. After all, I write to organize my thoughts and to keep my calm. Now I find it harder than before to write even though the urge is still there. But I must press on and be stronger.

It's nearing the A Levels and all I feel now is a subtle tinge of fear - not just because of the actual exam, but because I know once I get over this hurdle, I will enter a whole new world. I would be like a small fish swimming towards the river delta before finally being released into the sea, all excited, lost and scared at the same time. I can't wait to get out there, yet I'm also feeling some reluctance in leaving the safe boundaries I grew within the past 18 years.

I just watched another episode of SAO, and honestly the series in the GGO arc hasn't been too exciting. But I really really like the other main character in the arc, Sinon aka Asada Shino. She's a girl bound by her past experiences and trauma, split between the two realities of real life and the virtual world. In the real world, she's lonely and afraid, living life holding back because of her past, yet in the virtual world of GGO, she's strong, fearless and confident. Although I don't exactly have a tragic past like Sinon, I can almost relate to the part where I find myself stuck in between worlds, holding back out of fear, yet desperately wanting to be stronger, to be the strongest.

I've always written in my posts that I want to be a stronger woman, and I've always looked up to fictional heroines like Ada Wong and Lara Croft. But I'm afraid that all of these are mere echoes in my mind and I'm essentially just weak. It's still difficult for me to confront my experiences in the past. Videos, photos and even just seeing the familiar faces make me feel all so bitter.

Hah, who do I think I am, a tragic heroine? It's stupid of me to be held back by something so insignificant, my objective, practical and highly cynical self says. Yes it's stupid but it's not easy for me to just chuck the memory in the trash and be done with it. If I could I definitely would, but unless you have a way for me to lose those memories, I'm still stuck. In SAO, Sinon learns that you can't forget the past, and you have a responsibility to remember and to accept it, to be truly strong. That sounds awesome but I don't know how real that can be.

Real. Reality. Realte. I've realised some time back that the reason why I love things like Sims, like horror movies, like dreams, is because I'm basically trying to escape reality.

In Sims, I have full control. I know every Sim's thoughts, and I can make everyone live the happy, perfect and controlled life.

In horror movies and games, I always find that the fears of horror elements are far less frightening than the horrors of the reality I live in. As much as horror elements strive to be unexpected and shocking, it can't be any more unexpected and shocking than life itself. When i watch horror shows and gameplays, that excitement and tension and suspense I feel briefly distracts me from reality. I'm more afraid of life than I am afraid of the scariest ghost.

In my dreams, sognare, I enter a world so real and personal, so precious, and unexplained by the scholars of reality. I am allowed to be impractical, be unrealistic. I'm not just talking about nice dreams. Even the dark lift lobbies with brightly lit elevators and their hanging bodies, and extensive Silent Hill-like toilets with horrifying elements, are all mine. My world. I always like how my dreams are bizarre and still familiar because they hold the warped but still recognisable elements of reality.

Okay I guess i should take a break from the heavy melancholy and write about happier things haha.
I can't wait for next March because I'll finally be going to the Land of the Rising Sun! My family's planning a trip to Tokyo before my second sister gets married in late 2015. I wanted to go to Kyoto though because I always prefer a more relaxed and rustic setting to a metropolitan city environment. But I guess i'll travel to Kyoto next time on my own perhaps, and enjoy the family time in Tokyo.

I haven't told Stacey, but I'm actually really sad to know she's marrying off soon. It only reinforces my aforementioned fear of my first family splitting up into other families. But I think my parents would feel more of what I'm feeling, because even now whenever Mom and Dad have dinner alone (when Stacey's still at work and I'm out studying), Mom tells me that both she and Dad feel lonely without us around. As much I have dreams to move into my own cosy abode, I really don't mind staying with my parents even into my 30s, 40s and 50s if I'm unmarried. It pains me a little to imagine my folks alone at home, and I want to be there for them.

This is one extremely long post! I'm glad i managed to get through it without just shutting the page. I listen to some of Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's songs and recently I've got 'Kira Kira Killer' stuck in my head! Kyary is so cute and I love how bizarre and wildly imaginative all her music videos are, like 'Ponponpon', 'Fashion Monster' and 'Mottai Nightland'. But after a while the songs can give you a headache, so i think my my favourites (the milder ones) are 'CANDY CANDY' and 'Yume no Hajima' .Here's 'Kira Kira Killer':