These letters that were never sent -
With words that did not reach you,
Full of feelings not conveyed
Even up to the day they were due.
I read my own thoughts again and again
But they were meant for you
And somewhere in me still hopes
That one day, you would read them too.
On each one, your name is written
Seeing them gives a weird feeling
As if I had something to return you
Something you probably don't remember giving.
I could send these letters to their demise
But that's something I can't bear to do
For even if my feelings have changed
I'm still in love with that memory of you.
Okay, first off let me just say I'm not gifted in poetry and reading my own work sometimes makes me cringe, which is why I prefer prose over poetry. Yet there are moments when the lines of a poem best capture the poignant senses felt by its creator and are better appreciated during times when you just don't want to look at a barrage of words.
I was cleaning up my room this afternoon when I decided to take a look at the letters I've amassed over the past few years from family and friends. Just like diary entries or photographs, letters achieve the similar effect of transporting me back in time to relieve certain memories I have of the people I knew. However, letters are special in that they contain the thoughts of their writer towards the recipient, who in this case is yours truly.
I was enjoying myself reading some letters again (there was one by my Angel - from the Angels and Mortals game in VJGE - which was twice the word count of a GP essay!) when I picked up four folded letters in different colours with his name on them. These are special letters - letters that I wrote about 3 years ago on separate occasions and didn't give to their intended recipient. So these letters stuck out from the rest because they were the only ones not meant for me.
If you've been reading my blog entries or have known me well in JC, you would know that I had a major crush on a senior of mine in the same CCA, which was Guitar Ensemble. I didn't know him well enough to say I was in love, but I was very interested in getting to know him better. There was something about him that intrigued me - maybe it was how he'd have this quiet and aloof air around him despite being surrounded by friends, as if he was living in a snow globe. Interest probably became a sort of obsession to know as much about him as possible since I didn't have many chances to interact with him. But I wanted to be his friend.
I wrote letters for different occasions - the school's farewell ceremony, VJGE farewell party, a well wish for the A Levels and one that was really for my own sake of writing to him. I remember I kept my letter ready in my skirt pocket for the chance that I might give it to him, but the letter would always return home with me. Heck, I didn't even have guts enough to look at him and smile or say hello whenever we passed in the corridors even though he would have recognised me! Dawn would call me out on my utterly stupid behaviour whenever I passed by him by, pretending to not have seen him. For some reason, I got so nervous seeing him around in school that I couldn't really look at him straight on, and yet I'd always note and look forward to the regular times I'd "bump" into his class between lessons at certain venues.
Did he ever know about my feelings? Probably, but not in the way I would have wanted him to. You see, I'm not very good at concealing my feelings when I'm interested in something or someone, and probably the seniors caught on that I liked him. So I noticed that they would nudge him whenever they saw me, or stuff like that. Yet, he was still really nice because he'd still smile at me whenever I didn't look away or converse with me normally during the few lucky occasions I got to talk to him.
After all this time, my feelings are pretty much changed I guess since life has taken over. But it would be a lie to say I have not thought of him in those years. He's still someone special to me, but that's probably because of the memories I have of him. I wasn't sure I was going to experience such strong feelings of interest after my first relationship failed, and yet he enabled me to do so. For all I know, he's changed and become someone I no longer recognise, but I will still remember the same person I wanted to send these letters to.
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