Hitting the lows after the peak

Sometimes I wish I could scratch out my existence - like how I would with an unwanted itch, or a misspelt word on a piece of rough paper. If it doesn't go away, maybe I'd try even harder to make it disappear, to make me disappear.

What if there was a way to erase the encounters I had with all whom I've met? To be invisible in this world, with throngs of people bustling past me without as much as a glance my way. Would the pains of socialisation like rejection, disappointment, envy etc. all go with them as well? Would I finally be liberated from the sufferings of human contact? I would probably never know, because I'm already bound with no way to disappear completely.

I'm starting to descend further into a personal hell. I am tired, feeling ugly and worst of all, feeling absolutely lost. And yet I carefully paint on a facade of contentment and self-assurance to keep out anyone who might attempt to know me better. I make the decision for them - No, you don't want to know who I am. I look on as they admire the mask I've fashioned for myself, all while screaming That's not who I am inside like an obnoxious adolescent girl I would detest.

Most of my life I'd been heavily guarding myself. I watch as people run and stumble in various obstacle courses of life, and tell myself Look at them. That's not where you want to be. That's not who you want to become. We are going to avoid it completely. An apt example would be the topic of marriage.

Of course, I'm at least 7 years too young to talk about getting hitched and starting a new family. But I do think about what my future entails. I've watched how my parents are great at parenting, but terrible at marriage. They probably don't think much of it, but I do get affected heavily every time they quarrel. I see myself possibly undergoing a similar marriage of poor communication, disagreement and sadness, and stagger and back away from such a future. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to become. I repeat to myself over and over again. Then, let's take measures to avoid it completely. Which would partly explain my aversion to ideas of being in a relationship. Once you get on the path of a relationship, the road diverges into marriage or break-up - and either option is undesirable to me now.

And when things get tougher and socialisation stings even more, all I want is to conceal myself in solitude and forget the world. It's easier if there's no one to pull you back to reality. Yet because of the people who know me, I am bound and can never truly escape.