I'm slowly but surely getting used to university life. Maybe not that slowly. I find myself thrown into deeper waters at times, and everything starts to accelerate at a dizzying speed leaving me with brains turned to mush from all the anxiety and unnecessary stress. But I guess that's okay - I'm still just trying to find my own pace in this new environment.
I revel in the slow moments of life, when you're able to rest comfortably with your being and make little, seemingly insignificant yet intriguing discoveries about your surroundings.
Moments like when you gaze out of the train windows and find a different scenery despite passing by the same place (and you feel like you're the only one who's noticed because everyone else has their eyes on their smart devices). Have you noticed how trees are in full bloom now?
When you find a word that resonates with you, giving you a sliver of satisfaction as if you've ascertained your identity for a brief moment. Vestige - a trace or remnant of something that is disappearing or no longer exists.
When you find yourself in the midst of kindred spirits giving genuine encouragement to one another, and feel thankful for them.
I've enjoyed myself so much with my university friends recently. Exploring the stalls and doing the bon odori dance with friends from the Japanese Society during 夏祭り last Saturday, having conversations over lunch after seminars with Natasha and Shirley, attending lectures together with Hasini etc. I expected myself to stick with my cousin or friends from previous schools but I'm actually doing well making new friends.
Moments like these.
And then there's the fast-paced part of university life too that still needs some adapting to.
For example just today I had my first tutorial for Japanese Studies, and we had to jump right into forming project groups with people we barely knew after a round of brief self-introduction. Groups were formed roughly based on common topics we were interested in, that could be potentially pursued for the graded project work. I was half regretting my decision to not ballot for the same tutorial slots as my Oweek friends since it seems really difficult to envision work with people you've just met for under an hour.
I joined a group of 4 other guys from FASS - a fellow Year 1 Lit major potential, a Year 2 Linguistics major and two Year 2/3 Lit majors. I felt slightly at ease knowing there's a fellow freshman in the group, but the intimidation I felt from the seniors was overwhelming at first. They were highly eloquent, focused and learned, and were definitely set on getting an excellent grade for this module to maintain a good CAP.
As we sat in the cafeteria at UTown discussing the foundation of our project research, I struggled to keep up with both the discussion and writing (as the self-appointed scribe who was the only one that had lunch before tutorial) as they poured their ideas and thoughts out. I think I'm a pretty decent English speaker, but these people were on a different level. For the most part, I couldn't help but notice the massive contrast in levels that only highlighted my inexperience and naivety that passion for the subject was sufficient for me to do well in this module.
It's probably overthinking on my part, but the fact that I'm the only female on this group on top of being a freshman seems to reduce my role as an equal, effective contributor to the group. Especially with members that really know what they want and what they're doing, I feel as if it's possible that they may not expect much from me. Oddly, I desperately want to work up to or even exceed their expectations and prove that I am capable of holding up the shared responsibility among us all. I may be wrong and there probably isn't anything to prove, but I really want to match up to the level of my group members, to show my worth.
As I described, I am desperate. Which kinda makes me feel a little stressed as to how I should go about being productive and useful.
Moments like these.
In retrospect, these are just different trials that will add on to my experiences and help me find my suitable pace of life. In the midst of the mix of slow moments to revel in and the chaotic flurry of events, I should strive to stay true and honest to myself and others around me, and absorb every bit of it all regardless bitter or sweet.
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