"I'm doing it all wrong."

I've been feeling and thinking this a lot recently and it's not a good feeling at all, to not be able to get my shit together. I'm losing control again.

There's never a restart button no matter how much you wish for it. I can only cope with an illusion of one - isolation. Erase everyone and everything off my surroundings, pretend nothing happened and suck my thumb in a corner like the fucking coward that I am. I'm so mad at everything and nothing.

Why is it so hard to belong somewhere? All I've done is just run away from people. I feel like I can't stay in one place for too many reasons that are ultimately excuses I refuse to admit. 

Everywhere I go, I try to please everyone. But in doing so I have lost my identity. I try too hard to be things that I'm not. It'll probably be better if people bought those lies but they aren't stupid. I'm sure they can see through this facade and see what a huge impostor I am. People don't want to associate with fakes.

I wonder when I'll stop running, or when someone who is strong enough or cares enough would stop me from escaping. It's so tiring. So tiring. And so lonely.

I'm just too afraid of getting expectations up and then facing disappointment. I'm just too afraid of commitment. I'm just too afraid of being disliked. I'm just a coward that acts strong. 

And so what if I'm aware of what I am? The frustrating part is I don't know how to solve myself. People don't like problems. And I don't like to burden others. I'm just a passing phase for people I meet. Like a roadside tree.