Each time I write a post on this blog, it's usually when I get some epiphany about something and want to document my thoughts on it because it feels like a mini success when I finally figure out another aspect of my life. And just this evening I had a new one about my relationship with my partner after a long, tearful (on my end, Cam doesn't really cry) but much-needed conversation about our attitudes and expectations towards what we share.
I'll begin with a little context of what we are like in this relationship. It's been about 1 year and 3 months since we started this long-distance, interracial relationship. Cam and I enjoy a very communicative relationship that is attributed to various common interests and perspectives on things, and most importantly we are both very serious about each other i.e. we have marriage in mind. We're quite rational and understanding about most things, so we haven't had any actual arguments or clashes because we make pretty good or reasonable decisions that we both agree and can't really fault each other on (not that any of us want to anyway). In other words, I think we make a really good team, and that's essentially what a partner is.
We do have our differences too. I am direct, more confrontational and emotional, while Cam is tactful, less confrontational and very collected (amongst other differences). For the longest time I had weird issues with the fact that I would always be the one confronting him about stuff and that he never seemed to get upset despite me essentially voicing out my selfishness - like wanting him to take more initiative with our conversations or with physical affections etc because I wanted more from him. His response would always be to patiently listen and assure me he will take note for future situations, which he would. And despite his attentiveness I was still somehow bothered, but I didn't have a reason to be because Cam wasn't doing anything wrong - in fact he was doing it right! I figured maybe he was holding back his true feelings and emotions just to do the right thing and to accommodate me, and I was upset at the thought that maybe he can't be himself around me.
But then as we talked about those issues today, I suddenly realized why I was so unsettled by him doing it "right". While we are indeed different in our ways of communication sometimes, there was a fundamental difference in how we perceived and conveyed love, deeply-rooted in culture and upbringing.
As a Singaporean, I went through the typical Asian upbringing where tough love is the norm. It doesn't make it any less than the kind of open and very expressive love that maybe Cam would've been more exposed to growing up in a Western culture, but it does have the effect of most Asians including myself finding it more embarrassing or awkward to express or receive open declarations of love.
And when I think about all the couples I've known - be it my parents', sisters' or friends' relationships - arguments and clashes form a big impression of what a relationship would be like. I've always heard or seen how confrontations never go right. It starts with every intention to clear things up and make things right, but someone always takes it personally and reacts negatively to it. To me, that was oddly normal, and made sense too because being confronted about something points to a personal flaw somewhere and we don't like to be perceived that way by the person we love. Being self-centered in that way in a relationship seemed only natural. With such examples in my life, it's no wonder why I didn't know what to make of Cam's selflessness in our relationship. To me, his patience and understanding was "abnormal". Even though I always wanted a partner who shared my view on being honest and communicative so as to avoid those arguments and clashes, a part of me somewhere still doubted that could become reality.
As an Asian, it's common to sometimes feel like you have to earn validation and affirmation by being an impressive person. The reverse is the same, where showing our weaknesses or insecurities lead us to believe that no one would truly like us for who we are. I think back to the numerous occasions where I would break down when Cam showers me with words of affection, like how he thinks he's the most fortunate guy to be able to be with me and how much I mean to him, even though I show him the sides I don't like about myself. I'd ask him amid my ugly crying why he's always so nice to me. I'd ask him things like "Don't you find that I'm giving you pressure?" and "Aren't you upset or mad at me?" to which he'd always essentially say no, because he appreciates how I trust him enough to show him all of me and help him understand me more.
All these while, my frustrations weren't really about Cam, but more so at myself for not knowing how to deal with the fact that a relationship could be what I idealized. Love in Asian terms is often expressed practically and tangibly, i.e. we do or get things for the people we care for based on what we know they need or like, because that's a surefire way to make them happy. Cam's selflessness boggled me because I was at a loss on what I could do for him given my still Asian tendencies that way. Despite me knowing that Cam loves me for who I am and doesn't expect more than my love back for him, the Asian in me still thinks I have to actively earn his love. By telling Cam that he could be more selfish with his feelings if he wanted, I realized I was unconsciously subjecting him to that standard just to make it easier for me to respond and "earn" his love.
I never really thought my culture and upbringing would have such a profound effect on my view on relationships, especially since I've admittedly thought myself as being more broadminded and influenced by western culture than I really am. It's cathartic to finally figure out what's behind that unsettling feeling that never really made sense to me, and for Cam, it's a big relief for him to see me emerge from a sobbing heap of confused mess and move on from there.
In more ways than one, I am really grateful that I get to be with this guy who loves me for who I am, and helps me learn to love as well :)
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