Sigh, I miss being in the countryside with its picturesque lush green landscapes and azure blue skies like the one in this photo. This was taken on a hike at Kurokawa Onsen and I definitely want to be back there again, both physically and emotionally when I was at peace and just focused on the nature around me.
Today I had conversations with both my older sisters separately - over brunch with Stacey (my second sister) and in the car on the way to the station in the evening with Stella (my eldest sister). Both of them have been married for more than a couple of years now. As I was ranting to them about our mother's chronic bouts of irrational insecurity (we had a disagreement this morning stemming from that), they both admitted that they do see the same insecurity in themselves as well when it comes to their relationships with their partners. And in the 8 or so months I've been together with my boyfriend, I definitely echo that sentiment, albeit painfully. Stacey says "it's probably genetic", and Stella calls it "our legacy". It is quite honestly to me, a huge pain in the ass I could do without.
We overthink things, get sensitive over unintentionally wrong choices of words or tones, can be emotional and defensive, and risk becoming irrational as well. It feels like madness to me sometimes - I feel like I could easily slip and succumb to drowning myself in all the worst outcomes and negative thoughts, and consequently resort to the most self-centred escape of bottling everything up and trying to hurt others around me in other ways. I phase from feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing, and then to anger and indignance, and then thoughts of destruction and vengeance, and finally just sadness when I realise I'm just really unhappy.
I find myself struggling to control myself at times, like a person pinching himself to keep awake. Most of the time I maintain my practical self, and make good decisions like choosing to talk things out honestly instead of being passive aggressive. But this lingering insecurity never seems to go away. A problem gets talked out and resolved only for something else to surface and test my insecurity again. This happens so many times I start to wonder if the problem lies with me being too emotionally demanding or with the people around me not being sensitive enough to my needs. And for the latter, you can only solve it by helping them see those needs through honest conversations. It's just that I get so tired of always having to point everything out, because it just makes me think about how needy and demanding I can come across. It makes me wonder if I'm the crazy one, or the one who needlessly cares more. It makes me want to consider giving up because it's so tiring to feel alone like that.
Why do I have to do the right thing, and feel like I've lost?
My mother and my two sisters definitely struggle the same way - I see it in the way my mom argues with my dad, the way my sisters describe how they deal with such things in their marriages. And I see it very clearly in how I am in this relationship. I get scared thinking of how I could sink in this insecurity like quicksand if I don't tread properly. I keep telling myself I don't want to be in an unhappy, uncommunicative relationship like my parents', and remind myself that being in a relationship means having to move beyond my own individual thoughts and into a teamwork. Who knows, one day this team might not work after all and break up, but I at least want to have done everything right and not give anyone the chance to say that I could have done better. That probably means I'd have to keep drawing out this madness and dealing with it, however trying and repetitive it may be.
Chronic illness were never easy to deal with anyway.
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