As the youngest kid in my family with a pretty wide age gap between my two sisters and myself, I've had the opportunity and privilege to witness (with much interest and amusement) how my sisters experienced their long tumultuous love journeys before they found their partners for life. I remember shaking my head as my eldest sister broke up with her third boyfriend, and watching as my exasperated second sister fended off those relentless questions and concerns about why she hadn't had a boyfriend back then.
As all these played before my eyes like a riveting drama, I toyed with ideas and revelled in daydreams about the kind of relationship(s) I would be in when I grew into womanhood. I looked at my sisters then and was pretty convinced that if I avoided all the missteps they took, my "love life" would be far more enriching and exciting sans the little grievances and frustrations they went through in theirs.
That "love life" of mine felt so distant into the future then.
Right now I'm beginning to feel all the pressure my sisters would've gone through when they were in their early twenties. Not only are people asking about whether I've a boyfriend or why I still don't have one (as if asking about whether I have some insurance plan or some other possession), but people are actually offering to introduce potential partners!
I laughed when my eldest sister first told me about a new young teacher at her school whom she wanted to hook me up with. It was only after she sent me his contact number and constantly urged me to contact him up to this day that I realised she was actually dead serious. Another time my parents came home from a mahjong game at my aunt's place, bearing news that my soon-to-be-wed cousin had expressed her interest and intention in introducing a male colleague of hers to me at her wedding reception in June. And note that these two men are at least 5 years older than me and already working.
Of course, a five-year age gap between a couple sounds fine to me when you put it in general, but for now I just can't imagine myself talking to (much less going out with) someone whose maturity level seems beyond mine. Besides, being introduced like this seems a little unnatural to me. Any interaction would bear that slightly uncomfortable intention of trying to suss out the compatibility in between while getting to know the other person. Ideally, I'd want to develop feelings for a person whom I'd have known for a while, because only through an initially platonic friendship would I have a better judge of his personality and character.
That said, such opportunities are becoming lesser and lesser as you advance through years of school and subsequently enter the working world. You don't get to meet the same people for extended periods of time long enough to forge familiarity before ideas of going further seep in fast. I find that when I meet new people, just the slightest thing triggers me in that way. When I notice that a guy has a common interest, or is able to carry a pretty good conversation, or even just happens to give me the kind of attention that is favourable, I'm launched into questions and thoughts about our compatibility and chances of developing further, which would totally ruin my judgements about him because I'm either biased towards him or more critical about him.
And because I don't want to let a failed judgement lead to a relationship I'm not prepared to take responsibility for when it diverges into a forked road of either long-term commitment or breaking up, I end up pushing away all the opportunities that have presented themselves before. Some people have chided me on being "too picky", or advised me to "just let loose and date, it won't hurt!", and I wonder if I'm really just naively believing that I'm saving myself for the ideal relationship that has yet to come.
Maybe I'm just so used to being single for so long, I'm afraid to budge from the independence and freedom that comes with it. Or perhaps I'm afraid of actually being involved with raw feelings of affection and romantic love and failing miserably, after warming the benches at the sidelines for so long watching as others give their all in the game. I'm just probably sitting there all prim and proper, being all critical as I watch others rough themselves out, giving myself false assurance that at least I'm not subjecting myself to unnecessary hurt like they are. But I also watch a little enviously as they gain that sense of achievement in falling and rising again, finally scoring a home run at the end of it all.
I've been watching a drama called Tokyo Tarareba Musume, which translates into Tokyo "What-if" Girls. It centers on three 30 year-old women who are best friends, and how they encounter difficulties pursuing love because they had either held back or thrown away opportunities when they were younger. They often congregate at a bar to drink and vent their sorrows, often lamenting many "what-ifs" and "if onlys". While I thoroughly enjoyed the comedic scenes, I was led to question whether I would one day be 30 years old before I realise it and find myself regretting all the missed opportunities in my twenties. Right now it seems so far away, but back then even, the twenties seemed distant too.
Of course the big question is: Pressures aside, do I really want to be in a relationship and eventually marry? Honestly, yes. I do. I love my freedom and independence now, but I do desire to be with someone with whom I will live the rest of my life with, experience all sorts of things together with, and most importantly someone who would lead me in my walk of faith as well. For now, I don't want to resort to schemes and tactics that people teach to ensnare men or whatever, but I'll just be myself and continue being the way I am now. If it is God's will for me to meet someone, then I will.
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