About People

Humans.

They are social beings who interact. Through contact we make reality, which sometimes may not even be real or make sense at all as hours of a good time spent are swallowed up in an instant and all that's left is a memory. When we look someone in the eyes, or tap them on the shoulder, or call them by a name, our sense of belonging - or even existence is justified.

Sometimes people embrace each other; sometimes they fight one another. Sometimes we love someone or some place so badly we wish for certain death to rid us of the unbearable longing inside; sometimes loneliness makes the same death inviting as a form of escape. Sometimes we want to be able to cry tears of joy and hear hearty laughter that permeates the night sky; sometimes we squint our eyes tightly shut and cover our ears in a futile attempt to rid ourselves of even sensing human contact.

I'm not someone who is good with human contact.

I could feign a bright smile and make myself laugh in social situations. I don't have to, but there's an automatic switch in me that tells me the social world is like a stage and I ought to play my part. I know I don't like deceiving others, but that voice in me assures me it's just going to be temporary - that these people are soon going to make an exit out of my life anyway so why not just keep up the act without having to feel guilty? Besides, I'm sure almost everyone out there wears a facade as well and I can't be the only one. In fact, if one is too honest, that person would most likely be exploited or shunned.

This is how I view human contact. This is the truth. There is no need to paint an unnecessary picture of pleasantry and earnestness.

Even though my cheeks may hurt, even though my smile vanishes almost instantly after someone says goodbye and walks away from my sight, I still continue. I'll still put on a show for as long as I still see the same people. After gradually moving from one level to the next, I start on a new sheet of paper - the people from before has become history. I've been so used to such a mindset that I get uncomfortable and increasingly defensive when people don't leave my life when they should.

It gets tiring to have to be pleasant all the time because most of the time people don't really care enough to want to listen to your problems on top of their own. Probably because I seldom willingly tell others about my problems that many of the people in my life before tended to pour out theirs to me. And when I find myself thinking "Ah, how troublesome." or "There she goes again." I realise that maybe this is what others would think if I did the same, which makes me more determined than ever to find other ways to vent my frustration or think of a rational way to solve the problem on my own without having to rely on others.

I felt that this way of thinking could make me emotionally stronger and independent, that when others are lamenting and beating themselves down during tribulations I would emerge unscathed, undying and victorious in my own way. Yet I've also come to realise that this is part of the reason why I'm always so distant from human contact.

To be human is to experience joy, sorrow, pain, frustration. To be a social being is to share all of these emotions. If I keep them to myself on the pretext of being strong, that would mean I do not need others. And when there is no need for a listening ear, an encouraging pat on the back, a consoling hug, or someone to call your name to break your attention away from suffering by yourself, then you are essentially choosing to be by yourself. You cannot blame circumstances for this. You reap what you sow.

Sometimes I ask myself - what am I afraid of through just weakening my defences just a little to allow others into my life. Of being hurt, betrayed or cheated to the extent of never ever letting others in again? Of compromising supposed strength for exposing my weakness to others and being subject to their actions? Of possibly being too happy only to be hurt even more when such joy is taken away later? Or of losing my current state of mind at this very moment, of losing rationality, or even my warped sense of superiority that I'm in better control of my feelings than most other people?

People, who cleave onto one another for contact, for justification, for themselves. We sometimes seem quite a pathetic bunch don't we?