Summer

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204696/ego-aeternam

I'm beginning to fall in love with summer, even here in Singapore! Of course, we don't have vast green meadows and flower fields like in Japan (no surprise there, I'm obsessed with the country). Yet at times when I look out the window, I lose myself gazing at the deep blue skies, and a sort of happy feeling bubbles from within me. I guess it's good for my worrywart personality as well - kinda like drawing the curtains open and letting in some light and fresh summer air into my soul. One day, I wish to stand in that scenery and experience summer with all of my senses.

One thing I love about the Land of the Rising Sun is how emotionally sensitive the people there are to the seasons. The different seasons each set a distinctive mood or atmosphere there through various mediums like food, fashion, music etc.

During summer in Japan, the seaside or the mountains are common holiday destinations to enjoy 夏休み natsu-yasumi (summer break). Thinking of food conjures images of fresh red watermelons after a game of スイカ割り suika-wari (watermelon splitting) and かき氷 kakigori (shaved ice dessert). The colours of summer - the clear blue of skies and waters, the lush green of trees, the bright red of watermelon slices and other primary colours - are all very pleasant and uplifting to one's mood. Towards the end of summer, 夏祭りnatsu-matsuri (summer festivals) are held where people can don yukatas and visit stalls that sell food like candy apples, chocolate bananas, yakisoba, etc. and play games like yo-yo tsuri. There might be firework displays as well, and bon odori dances.

That's the summer experience in Japan of course, from what I gather from anime and television dramas. Yet here in sunny Singapore, I find that summer can be equally, if not more, fun as well.

I'm looking forward to the Japanese Studies Society (JSS) Freshman Camp that'll be held next Tuesday to Friday! I'll be participating as a helper and game master for some activities. I've always been rather inactive in JSS after my own freshman camp, so I was a little apprehensive about being able to mix around with the rest during the pre-camp last week.

Funny story - I thought precamp was LITERALLY a camp so I packed all my camp stuff and brought along a sleeping bag to school only to find out that I was the only one who read the precamp details that way. It was absolutely mortifying to have to carry around my bright blue sleeping bag on the first day. However that incident probably worked to my advantage because everyone was laughing and teasing me (and now I'm officially known as Sleeping Bag IC), coming up with jokes about my sleeping bag even on the second day of precamp! I had a lot more fun than I expected, and made many new friends besides those I had already known from freshman camp last year. This is really encouraging, since I have little confidence in being able to make (much less sustain) new relationships to begin with.

I'll end off the post with a picture of a cute cat I found sleeping under my HDB block - here's to a memorable summer break this year :)

When I'm alone, they come

http://www.zerochan.net/1733200

When I'm alone, they come.

Quiet as the falling of dusk, unsettling like the coming of night.

Why do I think, why do I feel? Why can't I live in the bliss of ignorance to the destruction this world is coming to? People crouching in their individual cages of thorns, hurting one another and bleeding themselves out in the process. Feeding on empty pride, living off on insecurities. Starving themselves of understanding and forgiveness, gripping tightly onto their pasts and upbringing. As if they're the reasons for existence and self-worth.

With recent news from the shaming of a local disabled cleaner (and the perpetrator who is now also a victim of online shaming) to the deaths of a talented singer and over 50 lives at the gay bar Pulse in the US, I can't help but feel sorry. And what else can I do but that? It doesn't change anything - it doesn't change this world and its people. We are descending even further to our own destruction. It hurts even more to read the comments on such news - with the netizens launching into petty wars among themselves. As if the actual problem isn't already devastating enough.

Do pointless, never-ending and exhausting struggles of selfishness and bigotry give people so much satisfaction that they thrive on it? When they get caught up in a flurry of passion and hurl insensitive insults or blows at others, do they pat themselves on the back for having done something useful and beneficial to Man, and enjoy a good night's sleep after that? Truly? It's not impossible isn't it, seeing how twisted this world has become.

These people would go on and boast to their children how they condemned those who are different - the weak, the sick, the poor, the minorities - and teach them how "this is power, this is strength, this is what being great means". They raise a new generation of what I describe as "thorn cage inhabitants" who don't have any qualms of murdering those whom they find an eyesore - be it literally or in spirit. Destroy, destroy and destroy even more - this is how you protect yourself and how you win, because everyone loves a winner regardless of the blood on their hands, don't they.

Can I even dare to imagine bringing a new life to this world ever in future? To have to struggle between teaching my child to love and understand this beautiful but broken world, and equipping my child sufficiently to protect him/her from those who are out to crush and destroy? And to not have an answer to quell all the fears and pain he/she might go through when he/she asks me why the world is such a cruel place?

When I'm alone, they come.

Quiet as the falling of dusk, unsettling like the coming of night.

These thoughts that haunt me.

Constants

http://www.zerochan.net/1964032

This cover picture kinda matches my mood towards the summer break now. When it isn't pouring in Singapore, the sun blazes high in the azure crystal skies, accentuating the tops of multi-coloured HDB blocks in the distance and reflecting off the windscreens of passing cars and buses. And I think to myself: 

"夏だね (read: natsu da ne)"

which roughly translates to "This is summer, isn't it."

Even though it's the same time of the year where students take a break from school, summer break certainly feels slightly different from the "June Holidays" I'd been so accustomed to back in my uniformed school days. 

Today, I met up with my best friend Dawn and spent most of the day with her mostly just catching up - reminiscing about old classmates, talking about our lives, etc. It was rather fitting too, since we travelled the road of nostalgia to the East just to be able to dine at ThaiPan (a restaurant in a housing estate nearby our Junior College where we and many other VJ students past and present patronise for its buttered squid) and satisfy our craving for buttered squid. Sadly we reached the doorstep of ThaiPan only to find to our great horror that it was closed. :(

We took a bus to I12 Katong, another past favourite after-school haunt of ours to have a late lunch. As we hung out today, we just talked freely about anything and everything, and it made me realise how nice it is to have constants in life. Even though Dawn and I attend different universities and don't meet or chat very often now, it doesn't feel awkward at all when we do get together and talk. She's still the same old straightforward person who exasperates me with candid mannerisms and comments (such that I'd have to ask her to lower her voice when talking about socially sensitive issues in public), but also the same old trusty friend who gives her honest opinions and advice with an unspoken understanding about the sort of person I am, both good and bad parts. 

We're actually applying to work part-time at Uniqlo together for this summer break too, since we have more free time on hand without school. Hopefully we get the job!

As usual, we took selfies like the shameless lasses we are! But before you see how we look as 20 year olds in 2016 with our personal grooming shit finally together (or at least more so compared to our clueless and hopeless selves in the past), here's a throwback to year 2014, having completed one of our prelim papers and eating at Ramen Play at I12 Katong I think:

Laughing at the striking maroon VJ jackets we're wearing, our hair, and our attempt at pulling off decent smiles despite our exhaustion from A Level prep!

And behold, us in 2016:

HAHA Dawn if you're reading this I'm sure you're wondering why I blew up the picture so big - and honestly I don't know either.

I really do appreciate Dawn as a close friend, and a couple other close friends even though I don't show it that well. Considering I'm someone who has some difficulty in being truly at ease around others due to my fear of exposing all of my true self, which also stems from a sort of general distrust and a fear of rejection and being taken advantage of, I think having a friend that close is quite a feat in itself. My Navigators mentor, Chanhye, told me that this distrust that I have towards people is something she hopes would be healed in time, since it would become troublesome in the future when I do have to put my full trust and faith in others such as my husband (she specifically said husband, though I'm truly still uncertain whether I would ever get into a relationship, much less a marriage). 

People may fail and disappoint, but God is constant, isn't He? Much more than even myself in fact, since my feelings and emotions are prone to fluctuate and my resolve trembles at times. As written in Numbers 23:19, "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Revenge

http://www.zerochan.net/689153#full

People - humans - get angry at times in life. I get angry too, though I rarely show my anger (or am probably even slow to anger first) except to close friends and family. I'm not a horoscope fanatic but I do agree with how Cancers such as myself are described when it comes to anger - that we don't really get angry easily, but get into an overwhelmingly foul (and maybe even scary) mood when we actually do.

A lot of my decisions and choices are influenced by a mix of deliberation and feelings, just like anyone down the street. In turn, my thoughts and feelings are led by a principle of energy conservation. Simply put, if an action or emotion does not lead to any progress or productive result in my perspective, it is a waste of energy and effort and I'd rather focus on other things.

Hence I don't really like getting angry (nobody does I guess), because more often than not nothing gets solved, people around you start to feel uneasy and it takes more effort to get back to the way things were. I'd suppress all my emotions, stuff it and squeeze it in and find some other ways for the negativity to dissipate such as through venting by writing or simply distracting myself with anime or games.

I don't really believe in showing others my raw, negative feelings because what good is it to them, or even myself? Am I expecting them to help me with whatever's bothering me? And if so, can I really trust them to even care enough to bear my burdens together? Similarly, I absolutely hate it when people show me their own foul emotions. Why should I have to be burdened by your problems when you probably don't even expect me to help you solve them?

Another thing I don't get is people "ranting" on social media. The funny thing is that these people rant in a place where the people whom they're unhappy with can see whatever they post about them. What is it you want? To guilt-trip the person who incurred your wrath? Maybe a small, indirect, "polite" reminder about what they did? But oh, no, I wasn't referring to you in particular, though it might have been you (it is definitely you I just wanted a way to hurt you without having to be held liable for whatever dirty linen I hang out on this very public social media platform).

And in the end, isn't this all a cowardly act of self-gratification? You probably don't want to solve the problem at all - in fact you might actually enjoy being able to emote these feelings of anger, like "Look! I am able to be angry! See how powerful and terrifying I can be!".

It took me a few years of bad experiences and pointless anger to learn that if someone does something to upset you whether on purpose or unintentionally, then you either confront the person and set things straight without resorting to lowly means, or swallow down and deal with those emotions without drama if you don't intend to confront the perpetrator.

Of course, it's easier said than done. While I still don't turn to social media where there are many people as a platform to vent my anger (I don't think many people I know read my blog), any strong negative feelings that hasn't fully dissipated through other means often becomes concentrated into thoughts of revenge. I'd think "Just you wait and see, I'll be the one who makes your life miserable without you knowing." and let those feelings fester slowly. I find such tendencies detrimental in many ways, because more often than not my ideas of revenge exacted on the targets are made at the expense of myself, just like a suicide bomber. It goes against even my principle of energy conservation.

But of course, this happens only when I'm really very angry beyond rationality. Besides, my threshold towards anger is pretty high due to my basic principle of energy conservation so I don't think it's too worrying for now haha.

"Love Life"

"So...how's your love life?", is what I've been hearing pretty often recently from old friends when we catch up.

I always reply that my "love life" is nothing much, or even practically non-existent (I've no life!!) - and somehow I get a teeny bit disappointed about this (on behalf of my friends too), probably because I'd feel as if there's nothing for me to talk about (WHEN I'M ALREADY SO BORING).

Now you'd probably be scoffing that it's really not a big deal at all and yes, I totally agree. Sometimes I find that romantic love is a concept that is often overrated and hyped up. You shake your head as you watch your friend disintegrating into a soppy mess as they tell you about their "love life", and give yourself a mental facepalm when they wreck themselves up over love problems that aren't really problems in the first place. You painstakingly type out explanations and advice when they confide their afflictions to you on the phone, only for them to reply with "But...!", making all that effort and time go down the drain since their burning feelings of love numbs them against the shortcomings of their target and apparently all traces of practical sense as well.

But you can't really deny that being in love is really a heck of an experience. It makes you all excited and jumpy inside when you try to casually talk to the person you like, and seeing that special person melts away all the prior bad mood that was affecting you all morning. That's why it sells so well everywhere in all mediums, and that's why people get especially interested to know about each other's "love life". HECK, it's even given a "life" on its own!

Yet, beyond all that heart-stopping breath-taking (that's why they say love is a fatal disease) action, being in love seriously beyond just having a peek at dear old senpai from behind a wall is exhausting in all ways. It's a commitment that requires nurturing, effort and plenty of contemplation, which would start paving the way towards the next few steps of major commitments in life like marriage and starting a family. I've heard plenty of stories from female friends about their "love lives", watching them as they start off starry-eyed maidens in love before falling into pieces of disappointment and futile longing. On one hand I feel sorry for their loss, and on the other I take comfort in the idea that I am not in any precarious relationship subjecting me to potential heartbreak and instability. It gives me a sense of freedom from not having to worry over such things and instead focusing on the things in life that are sure to make me happy. And that's also why they say love is a gamble, because not all things are transparent and feelings can be fleeting.

However, I do admit at times I wish I was in a loving relationship with someone special. I'd think of the things we'd do, the places we'd go and the conversations and moments we'd have together, and smile at those prospects. But I don't want a "love life" where things are dramatically all flowery and fantasy-like as if its a world, a life on its own. When that world fails, it would be as if I died. For now I'll focus on the one life I have now without actively hoping and searching for someone. If it is God's will, I'll meet someone with whom I can walk with together in that one life that just gets stronger and more fulfilled along the way.

Ansatsu Kyoushitsu 2

Yesterday I met Korosensei! So here's me being all pals with sensei while Iggy goes and ruins the picture with his assassination attempt -_-

How did we wind up meeting sensei? I'd probably have to start way back in March.

http://www.filmsmash.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Assassination-Classroom-Graduation.jpg

In March, there was a lot of hype about the second live action movie for Ansatsu Kyoushitsu, or Assassination Classroom in Japan, especially because Yamada Ryosuke, who plays main character Shiota Nagisa, is a famous Johnny's idol in the 9-member idol group Hey! Say! JUMP. I'm a fan of Hey! Say! JUMP and their awesome show Itadaki High Jump, so I really wanted to watch the movie in which they sang the theme song for! Yet while I watched numerous publicity videos, interviews, and TV shows about the movie which released in March, I still had to wait for it to be subbed and shown in theatres locally :(

Then while scrolling down my Facebook page one day, I saw an ad for the movie premiere that was to be held at GV Plaza Singapura! And for a price of 35 bucks I would also get a movie poster and DVD for the first movie to boot! I quickly told Iggy about it since we usually go for such anime-related events together, and we booked our tickets pronto. It was a good thing too, since the theatre was almost fully booked by then. 

Even though its finals the week after, I just couldn't miss the opportunity since this was to be the last movie for Ansatsu Kyoushitsu as well. I even went to rearrange my tutoring schedule for Saturday just so I could go to the event. Y'know sometimes I ask myself why can't I have the same amount of enthusiasm and initiative for my studies as well *facepalm*.

We arrived a tad bit too early because we had expected a crowd. Yet there just a few people around the redemption area, with the Korosensei mascot standing rather awkwardly in an empty space. So after getting our collectibles and snapping a photo with sensei, Iggy and I just roamed around the countless number of anime merchandise stores in Plaza Singapura and talked about anime as usual over ice cream at Macs. 

It got crowded closer to the screening time, and just as I had expected (I told Iggy I bet there would be), THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO CAME TO WATCH THE PREMIERE IN COSPLAYS OF THE CHARACTERS!!

By now I'm not really surprised, since there were cosplayers at the NARUTO live action show last year as well. We spotted 2 Nagisas, 1 Kayano, 1 Karma and 1 Itona. Too bad I didn't get to take a picture of them since it was so crowded. But boy am I impressed with their level of enthusiasm. The Karma cosplayer was pretty good looking too hehs.

In my opinion, the movie was so-so due to its rushed pace, but that's inevitable since they had to cram a lot of events skilfully within 2+ hours of screen time. I mostly enjoyed it because it satiated the crazy fan girl inside of me. I was also happy with the DVD and the poster, though my excitement dipped a little when I unfurled the poster only to realise how HUGE it is and how I couldn't find a wall with enough space in my room to put it up when I got home :( So right now it's all rolled up again, propped up on one side of my desk.

It was a good break from all the studying for finals...yet I'm still a little crazed here from yesterday. Hopefully I can effectively get back to studying! *fingers crossed* How I wish Korosensei actually existed so that he could help me study LOL

Children

http://www.zerochan.net/1970382#full

In my 'A' Level Literature text Waterland, the first line of the second chapter went like this:

"Children. Children, who will inherit the world."

As I get older and gain more experiences in the world, this line seems to grow as well - heavier and heavier in its gravity. Of course I wouldn't have understood its significance way before - I was snugly sandwiched in the middle of this group called 'children', living in the moment with eyes set on my very own dreams and prospects. Yet as I near the end of this tunnel, innocence, ignorance, complacency and all the other rose-coloured features of childhood diminish and tear away, revealing a harsh and frightening landscape - one we wouldn't have been able to survive in before.

Our places as the protected ones were taken over by succeeding generations of children, and this cycle would probably repeat till the end of time, till the birth of the last child on Earth.

We repeatedly hear about the necessity of raising children as the hope of the future, such that we might've become numb to the consequences of underestimating it.

I currently tutor four children privately with ages ranging from 10 - 16. I've taught them for about almost half a year now and so far lessons have been satisfactory since my students are quite sensible and hardworking to varying extents. At times, I rack my brains for effective ways to help them learn and worry about whether they truly understand what I'm teaching them - but I'm continually encouraged by the effort they put in and small improvements they make in tests. I felt I was doing a decent job in teaching these children, but I never considered how much impact I might have on these children - the children who would inherit the world soon - until this afternoon.

A neighbour of mine living a few floors above my apartment in the same block came to my door about a week ago and asked if I could help tutor her son who was in Primary 1. I was initially reluctant, since having to juggle four tuition sessions (about 2 hours each), school and Bible discussions with the Navigators every week sometimes took their toll on me. However, after she explained her difficult situation, I decided to help. My neighbour's young son was doing badly in school since he had difficulty catching up with the rest, and the school had informed my neighbour that he might have to repeat a year if he did badly for the upcoming examinations. Being a single mother who has to work to raise her son, she couldn't find an affordable tuition centre or tutor. I agreed to tutor her son at a low rate, and we had our first lesson today.

I had prepared a few ways I would employ to help the boy learn before the lesson started, just in case we encountered any difficulties such as shyness, lack of motivation or language proficiency problems. I was looking forward to having a fruitful lesson with him. Yet, I felt my resolve crumbling as the lesson progressed with bouts of silence as he refused to voice his thoughts, or simply looked blankly at his work. No matter how I tried to encourage him or explain to him he would just remain largely unresponsive. As I talked with his mother after the lesson, I tried to understand how he's like at home. I was pained to learn how his environment was filled with so much uncertainty, and understood a little more about his behaviour during the lesson. 

I had a talk with my mother after she returned home from work an hour after my neighbour and her son left, and when I was talking about the lesson, I broke down uncontrollably. At first, Mom was worried that I was stressed out over how to teach the boy, and suggested solutions - from ways I could try to teach, to considering dropping the boy. She also gave me more backstory about him that she knew from interacting with his grandmother who lives with them. The more I heard, the more awful I felt. 

I wasn't troubled over my failure to teach the boy today. My mind was suddenly flooded with a chaotic tangle of thoughts. I wanted to help the boy - I couldn't possibly feel at ease dropping him for my own convenience knowing that I could do something. I wanted to help him have a shot at life like his peers, but how much can I do to have him gain that shot? I don't have full control over how he would live his life that's full of the uncertainty that is gripping him. I was at a loss when I saw the gaping holes between my abilities, the imperfect situation in reality and my desires. Later on in the evening, his mother sent me a message thanking me, saying that her son liked me, but didn't want to have tuition. I must've overwhelmed the poor boy. Admittedly, I feel a little relieved that the responsibility has been taken away from me on their decision, but I'm deeply struck by this experience.

I saw how great the gravity of raising a child was. 

How a child is not only born once from his mother's womb, but multiple times from his surroundings over and over again, until he becomes the person he is. Generations of children - the living experiments of their predecessors and circumstances. A child - the child of one who was a child; an experiment, the experiment of another. While we emerge from childhood into the world, we pull the children behind us in the same direction like a continuous train. 

I might've underestimated my role as an educator in the lives of the children I teach. They may forget my lessons and the words I said to them in years to come, but the impact of my existence in their lives would be moulded together with many others, shaping the people they would become in future.

Children. Children, who will inherit the world.