I'm so confused right now.

I'm just running and running and running. I'm so tired but I'm afraid to stop. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm running from.

I have so much on my mind right now. I've just written two long posts and then jabbed my index finger on the Backspace button, watching as the screen full of text vanished line by line, one after another. This isn't right, This is all a farce. I'm not being honest with my own thoughts. I'm composing whole entries of text that I ponder in my head, making sure they sound right, that they sound good. These aren't my raw, pure thoughts anymore.

These are my delusions. Stop lying to myself, me. Enough.

Wanna Be

Heh okay I'm recycling photos now - gosh I really want to just get out and ruminate around Singapore with a camera to take photos! This photo was from my collection meant for the Perfect Fifth programme booklet but since the teachers didn't want specific members in photos I let the Publicity team have them for the posters. This is one of my fav photos!

I've been all cooped up preparing for the As. 

And I'm raring to get out there and do things I've never dared to do. 

I even have a bucket list in my phone Notes of the things I want to do after this national exam is over, both long term and short term goals. 

But most of the things I want to do are stuff I believe would make me stronger both in and out. And generally that's my life goal - to be a strong woman (like Ada!<3)! I've always been a goody-two shoes, safe and secure sort of person who usually goes by the book and over worries herself about consequences, and I find that I'm restricting myself from maxing out my full potential that way.

If I could be more spontaneous and vibrant without constantly pondering about the consequences, I think I would be a lot more happier and so would others around me. 

I want others to see me as someone unperturbed by opinions, relaxed and easy going at my own pace. I want to be able to smile and say yes when someone invites me to do something daring. I want to be able to tell someone offensive that he's being a dick without keeping it to myself and wondering why he's being so mean. Or I'd even want to be carefree enough to go up to a guy I like and tell him in his face that I like him just because. "I really like you, yknow, I think you're really cool."

I'm probably too uptight and worrisome now, which makes it difficult for others to be full out friendly with me. I'm way too considerate and civil and probably that's how most people treat me too with the exception of my family and few close friends.

But no, I want to be flexible and confident. And strong and powerful. 

I wasn't always like this.

I was once a carefree girl who was one to stand up and attempt to make a change. All through the later half of primary school and secondary school I was that way, and of course took up various leadership roles. But after I graduated from BP I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't cut out for it in the first place. 

Because why is it that no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to move anything? Why was it that people like Willie could do it almost effortlessly and be recognised and relied on compared to myself even though I tried my best? And even though I knew I wasn't popular due to my methods I had believed it was good bitter medicine, yet it never worked! 

And the things I loved so much, memories that used to be my life, the most dear to me, have now turned against me with ugly feelings of hatred and bitterness because I didn't make a difference. Whilst everyone cried and were filled with overwhelming feelings, I was already killed. The last blow dealt when they told me after I rushed and squeezed my way front behind the curtain "we already planned something (without you of course)" and their eyes said "we don't need you." 

This much pain I let it fester within me because I had let myself be weak. I said "oh.okay." and went to the back. And from then on I retreated into myself and swore that giving my all and my whole heart to something, some CCA, ever again, was just going to make me hate it. There's even a photo (without me of course) just to constantly remind me of the last blow whenever I see it. I am aware I sound really petty and bitter now and it seems like I wanted the recognition. It's true. I wanted that too, and I'm not such a perfect glorious person who doesn't care about acknowledgement. But it was not that which spoilt me, but the confirmation that I was not needed. That I couldn't be relied on even till the last moment.

So spare me the pain, and let me stay safe and secure I said. Not to say I won't take up a leadership role if I had the ability to, but that I won't give everything and risk the ensuing hate.

I think it's time to let go of the past and its pain now. I can't be resentful and afraid forever. It's time to come out. I'm going to be someone whom others won't ignore, or at least someone who would be strong enough to say "screw you, I have the fucking right to speak my mind and I will tell you how upset I am right now" if I encounter the same situation again. 

It's not anybody but myself. I will show you and I will do it. I will be stronger than ever and you will never take your eyes off of me or dismiss me with a laugh like you did. :)

At the Moment

At the moment. My thoughts at the moment.

Is it okay for me to be sad if the distance between me and everyone else is attributed to the fact that they have moved on while I stubbornly refuse to let go of what we had? Do they...do they still remember? 

Do they still hold the memories that I'm still gripping tightly in my hands? If that is so, I'm alone back in that place because I remember. Everyone has gone, the place is closed, but I don't want to leave. Let me stay, let me linger. 

 

Or do you still remember? Are we still connected by our past? 

If I could, I want to return to the past, not to change my decisions, but just to look at how we were that time again. I hate to admit it but I miss the significant people in my life in the past. But I don't make an effort to reach out to them. I tell myself, they have others now, and me, I'm probably not significant to them anymore.

But since I can't return to the past, I can only make do with the future. I want to meet up with these few people and ask them, do you remember this, do you remember that?

And maybe, just maybe, we can relive those moments again. I just hope it's not too late.

"Humanity is a discontinuous series of free men irreparably isolated by their subjectivity." Simone de Beauvoir

This quote was taken from one of the loading screens during the PS 3 game Remember Me. How apt, it's a game about memories too! 

The reason why I'm so obsessed with memories probably stems from my need to find my place in this world. There is not a day passing that I do not feel that insecure feeling of being lost. I'm just running away, from everything.

I've been having weird dreams too. Bizarre dreams of people from my past. I haven't talked to them since ages but they appeared in my dreams. 

I like to believe that I'm a strong realist. At this point in my life I take on a view of objectivity at everything. I'm not too concerned about matters of spiritual well being and the supernatural at this point when the time I have to try to explore more into the meaning of religion is limited and thus put on hold.

But who can explain dreams? Who can be objective about a world so unexpected and yet so real? No matter how much you try to give a reason for what you dream, you can never determine the exact cause. And dreams are so personal. My very own world.

This is why my theme in life has long been about Reality and Dreams.

Flow

Yet another picture I took outside my window of the sunset:) I guess this is the perk of living in the west despite its relative "isolation" from the rest of the city. I like to think that I live in the suburbs. 

Right now I'm typing out this post to ease the strain on my brain at the Jurong Regional Library. It's pouring heavily outside and I'm starting to feel a little drowsy, so reading Waterland and writing posts should be effective refreshers in between my econs revision. I'm afraid of sleeping cos I'm alone and I don't wanna be tapped on the shoulder by some library attendant.

I really want to stop the flow of time now. Not just because of the upcoming exams, but because I'm afraid of the future in general. I won't be confined within the safe and controlled boundaries of uniformed school life anymore, something I've grown accustomed to and am probably taking for granted most of my life so far. I'll be out there in the real world. That isn't so bad yet. Very soon I'll also graduate from the comforting confines of my family and be on my own.

My family in future (if I do ever have another) would be different from the one I was born in. My sisters would have their own households and everything would just be different. I am close to my parents, especially mom, so I can't imagine being able to cope with their future inevitable passing. Being the youngest, I will be left behind last, provided I don't succumb to accidents or disease before my natural passing.

Thinking of the future like this makes me want to hold on tightly to the present all the more. It's good in a way since I'm more appreciative of what I have now, but bad in a way because I can't bring myself to fully live in the present with the fear holding me back. 

See, I'm worrying about inappropriate things at inappropriate times again. While my peers get stressed up over not being able to do well enough to secure a stable future, here I am unnecessarily worrying and letting precious time flow past me.

Let me live in the present, forever.

Mirror

Found this photo randomly in my camera roll that I took last time to document my make up application. Thought it'd suit the topic of beauty so here goes:

I really don't like to be writing about things like beauty and fashion or whatever is related to trying to look good on the outside...because I'm already so preoccupied with my inner flaws.

But just moments ago while trying to pick an outfit for church tomorrow morning I felt so upset at myself. 

I've always prided myself in being able to accept my appearance relatively easily compared to most adolescents my age who go to great extremes to slim down and fit into the trendiest clothes. 

When others talk about clothes I mentally pat myself on the back for being "normal", because while friends dress up to the nines, take ootds and their latest shopping purchases, I adamantly assert my same old blatant stand of dressing comfortably and decently since clothes only serve to cover us up.

Of course being the girl that I am, I still wish that I could look good in nice clothes too. But my wardrobe is really just full of decent timeless pieces like cotton pieces with toned down colours, mostly blue. No silk, chiffon, mesh, loud tumblr prints, sequins etc for me. Gosh I'm so boring.

Back to the moments ago before moments ago. I got upset. I was feeling so unhappy with how I looked in the mirror. I never thought I would say this in a long while, being the accepting person I think I am - I felt so ugly.

I would try on piece after piece of clothing and finally just give up out of exasperation to pull on a pullover (badumtss) and just stare at myself in the mirror, feeling so sick and tired of myself.

It's getting worse because I'm gaining so much weight from binging during my a level prep, and my short hair cut seems to make me less feminine than ever. Of course I could always go exercise, but if it's not the excuse that I'm busy studying, than it's just pure laziness and lack of motivation that is preventing me from doing something about my weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in ages but I can still tell that I'm getting bigger.

And this drop in my self esteem just makes me so resentful. I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna see anyone else other than my family, I just want to lock myself in my room alone. And then I grow more resentful of myself for having thoughts like these - the clear signs of a weak person.

I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to be independent and powerful. Like Ada Wong, my all time fictional hero from Resident Evil.

But for now, I can't help but feel like I'm crumbling down more and more. When some people try to motivate me into losing weight using tough love methods like "insulting" my weight, comparing me to other people who are losing weight etc, I just nod my head and pretend I don't really care, but I'm starting to feel the cracks in my wall of tolerance and forbearance.

To Live

It seems that as the days get more hectic with preparations for the national exams, the urge to write becomes more apparent. But I had a conversation (a pretty heated discussion) about life with Dawn today (before we wasted 3 precious hours in the lab watching YouTube videos). The stupid lass stayed back with me while I did my notes on the comp because it was raining and I ended up getting horribly distracted. THIS IS WHY I STUDY ALONE!

So I just wanna write a short post about living life. I'm not a motivational speaker that enlightens people on the meaning of life, but I definitely think that there are too many people out there who are just selfish and immature to play around with suicidal thoughts and easily saying they can take their own lives anytime because there's nothing worth living for.

I don't know how our conversation started (probably a sidetrack from our discussion about the education system), but Dawn and I had different views about living. The girl had said that she could take her life anytime and wouldn't care because she honestly doesn't have a reason to live for. I disagreed. Now this disagreement is not because it is almost taboo to speak about death nor was it  like the automatic "oh don't say that, there are reasons to live for!" response that people around you coo to pacify you. I was disturbed because I know she isn't the only one who thinks the same - so many, and too many people have the similar mindset.

I understand that people generally go on living "for a reason","with meaning". Dawn asked me "So you have a reason to live?". Honestly I don't. But I told her that it's the very process of finding that meaning that is keeping me alive if that's what living is about - for a reason. 

I find it horribly selfish of people who can live to think that they can take their lives on a whim. While they have a choice to go on living, they don't think of the people all around who want to live but don't have the choice to. People who aren't financially privileged, and people whose days are numbered due to disease or age.

The world is a cruel place full of horrible and heartless people, that is not entirely wrong. But if you think that you're looking at paradise through the noose, gazing upon a better place down 10 storeys below your feet or nearing the bliss of painlessness with each blade you draw across your wrist, I think you are delusioned and, you are weak. 

All you are doing is escaping your problems instead of facing them. All you will get in the end (I won't immediately assume it's what you want) is a brief moment of pity and remorse from acquaintances before you are forgotten, and a lifelong haunting for those who actually love you. All you will be is a faint and distant memory, a sad figure inpressioned upon others as someone who couldn't handle the world and murdered himself. You are a murderer. Is pity and remorse still warranted?

How could anyone be so selfish? How could you think of throwing away something so valuable that many others out there covet? How could you dangle the meat in front of others and throw it away so heartlessly into the dirt, wasted and never retrieved again? I'm not even sad that people have suicidal thoughts - I'm in fact really mad and livid the more in think about it!

For whatever reasons you have - being bullied, feeling unloved and unwanted, being stressed and depressed - I think it's extremely important to remember that you are well and alive. Don't take for granted the nights you go to bed setting your alarm even though we all don't know whether we will even open our eyes to morning the next day. Don't take for granted how walking, running and talking is effortless for most of us. Don't disregard every single person you meet in your life and adamantly believe no one regards you. In a world with billions of people we all found each other. 

I'm surprised by myself that I feel so strongly about the value of life even though I'm not religious (stereotype, yes I know now hush) nor am I the most positive person you'll ever meet. We only have one shot at life after which we are nothing. Even if you believe in reincarnation I doubt you will have the same consciousness, so why not just see what life has to offer for you instead of concluding what it hasn't given you with your own death sentence?

If you have the time, I recommend all of you to watch a Japanese drama series One Litre of Tears, because it really makes you consider life aside from all the really really heart wrenching scenes and soul breaking soundtrack. The drama is based on the real life of the deceased Ikeuchi Aya who was diagnosed with Degenerative Spinocerubellar Disease which is a disease that affects the motor ability of the patient who will have difficultly moving, talking and even swallowing food. The OST song Konayuki by Remioromen is really awesome and has beautiful lyrics:)

All Things Japanese

First and foremost THIS IS NOT WRITTEN BY ME so any of you who know of my eyecandy crush on a senior last year had better not have ideas that I'm still all lost in love etc. I happened to spot this note among others written and hung up for Tanabata festival at Liang Court where I go every Sunday, and felt it was very Japanese anime-like :D

Okay since I said it, yes I had a sort of minor crush on a senior of mine who was in the same CCA last year. I've probably hinted about it here and there in previous posts but since I'm all over that hilarious phase now there's no harm coming out to admit that yes, I was once upon a time a distracted, almost obsessed girl who had a cute senior on her mind when idle and went to great lengths to stalk him on whatever available social platforms, blush considerably when she saw him in school and couldn't say hi at all, and basically made a big fool of herself spazzing. I can imagine you recoiling in disgust now but trust me, if you're a guy, plenty of girls out there do it (it's "research" you see) and if you're a girl, DON'T DENY IT! 

I'm writing out this post on my phone now when I should be resting, but I just felt like writing and it wouldn't be good to deny the urge to write. I'm down with the early stages of flu so I won't be attending school tmr - I'll be visiting a doctor sigh.:(

So earlier this evening I sat through 1.5h of the National Day Rally with my family, and when PM Lee talked about the plans on developing Jurong, my mind was stuck at Japanese Garden (which is in Jurong). I've always told myself I'd visit the garden but it always slipped my mind (so I typed it in a note on my phone!). 

Then I had this thought: Why don't we have Japanese festivals at Japanese Garden? You know, those you see in animes and mangas where there's goldfish catching stands, takoyaki,okonomiyaki,yakisoba food stands (my stomach just growled), people wearing yukatas and FIREWORKS! There's plenty space for that, plus the setting fits it SO WELL. 

I went to google up any Jap festivals that was ever held in Singapore, and found that apparently there is a Summer Festival known as Natsu Matsuri organised my the Japanese Association Singapore annually at a local Jap school. This year's Natsu Matsuri is on 23 Aug, Sat at a Jap school in Changi, which is such a waste when we have a lovely Japanese Garden here in the West. Probably it's because it's easier and cheaper to rent the location of a school compared to a public park.

Oh, this brings me to the next point - I want to go for Natsu Matsuri next year!! Entrance fee is $4 (so much cheaper than your cheapest AFA entrance ticket priced at $8+), and they provide yukata rental and dressing services as well at less than $10! (KYAAAAA) They do encourage people to wear their own yukatas though, so I went to look up on yukata shops online, and ended up mesmerised by picture after picture of pretty yukatas (which aren't very cheap, priced at least $60 - $100+). 

But to go all the way to Changi is crazy! Oh and apparently due to AVA regulations, goldfish scooping is not allowed anymore. Guess I'd have to go to Japan to try it then! Perhaps I should write a letter of suggestion to the JAS about organising Natsu Matsuri at Japanese Gardens instead in future :)

Recently I've been reading manga to destress a lil from studies, and my latest is Inu x boku SS which revolves around a group of half-demon half-human people who possess powers and stay at the Maison de Ayakashi, a high class apartment building for these Ayakashi to protect themselves against pure demons who attack them. I love all the characters to the point where I can't determine which is my favourite! 

But one of the characters Watanuki Banri made me like the animal Tanuki! (WaTANUKI) Watanuki is a character who wants to protect his loved ones especially his childhood friend and love interest Roromiya Karuta (ironic cos Karuta is WAY stronger and scarier in her demon form). However he is pretty weak because his demon form is a super adorable Tanuki with a leaf on his head:

So cute!! Another anime character from another anime is also represented by the Tanuki - Kim the witch from Soul Eater!

Compare that cute little animal to Karuta:

 It's almost hilarious and it seems like their demon form should be swapped since Watanuki looks like a delinquent while Karuta IS SO ADORABLE! MANIACCC!! (Nobara says this when she sees cute girls like Karuta!)

Oh dear I'm getting too carried away. I finished the manga up to the latest chapter so far so I'm not too worried about being distracted.

I'm also watching SAO II every Sunday when it's released. The arc is now Gun Gale Online (GGO) where the new character Sinon (the one with turquoise hair) is featured! 

I recently cut my hair short and while it didn't go the way I wanted it to be (shoulder length and mature looking), I now have an anime-Jap character look cos it's so short and layered now, almost like Sinon's, especially if I use pins to tie the hair on the sides. The opening song for SAO II is really really awesome - Ignite by Aoi Eir, the same singer who sang the second opening for SAO!

I realised I've gotten back all my Japanese craze and obsession, after a long hiatus being caught up in the K-craze (which is still there in me but fast dying out) and indie music (which I still appreciate)! I guess it's a good thing because it's what I've originally enjoyed back in primary school when I had many many friends who shared my interest until I entered secondary school where anime lovers were mostly the anti social "nerdy" boys and the girls were all crazy over K-pop bands and dramas.