There are so many things i want to be, want to do.
But there's so little time - even though I'm still in my adolescence i feel an underlying fear that seems to claw its way through my gut...and i just feel so uneasy.
I want to experience the world. I want to be everywhere and everything, just to know how it feels like.
I want to know how it feels like to be among the throngs of people in a bustling, crowded city centre, or a zen-filled temple by the countryside; be on top of a snow-capped mountain, or down in the depths of the oceans.
I want to feel the security and confidence of a high-flyer, and the constant fear of a refugee, and the hopelessness of the impoverished and starving.
My greatest ultimate fear is that nearing the end of my life that is so small and insignificant compared to the world, I will lose sleep thinking of all the things i could have done in my youth, the regret gnawing through silently yet painfully as i lie on my sickbed.
I want to be a traveler. A traveler who loves the world but can't form an attachment to one place. The world would be my home, but to the people i meet i would be a homeless traveler who can't exactly return to the same place.
But as spectacular as my dream sounds, it is almost impossible.
I'm too cowardly, and to embark on such a journey would mean a life of no rest - just constant exploration.
Like so many other people in the world, I also have an innate longing to settle down comfortably doing the things i love with the people i love.
But I'll always have a dream to explore and find something new and enlightening just around the corner.
Perfect Fifth 2014 ended with a bang yesterday night. As we strummed our last and the curtains closed, I felt a bittersweet feeling as all our efforts for the past few months culminated and finally ended.
I had so much fun.
I can still remember a bunch of us going around hugging each other behind the curtains before the concert started. We knew this was it.
I really miss everyone truthfully even though i'm relieved that i can finally focus on my studies now that guitar is over. I don't know what to say. I just feel like going to everyone and giving them one last hug.
Here's a lil cute video featuring my adorbs section mates (in order of appearance): Jingxiu, Juliana, Vernice and Sushi :3
I'm only posting the day pics cos they are clearer and nicer (and more artistic haha) than the post-concert ones!
What really made my night was when my beautiful classmates came to not only congratulate me and give me flowers, but tell me that they truly enjoyed the performance and that our concert impressed them :)
Satisfaction.
Anyway I've been watching Natsume Yuujinchou again.
It's such a beautiful anime, about an introverted boy called Natsume Takashi who has the ability to see Youkai and Ayakashi (Ghosts and spirits) and inherits his deceased grandmother Natsume Reiko's Yuujinchou (Book of Friends) which contains names of the ghosts and spirits she challenged and defeated. The names in the book act as contracts of service, hence anyone who controls the book has the power to control the spirits whose names are in it. However, Takashi seeks to help the Ayakashi, and returns them their names with Madara, or Nyanko-sensei acting as his bodyguard and mentor since Takashi promised to leave him the Yuujinchou after he dies.
The ending song of Zoku Natsume Yuujinchou (season 2) is really nice - Aishiteru by Kourin. It's so soothing, plus it was covered by IU before!
I don't like how I am these few weeks.
I don't enjoy being unhappy. I do not ask for people to pity me and feel sorry for my pain. I don't want to have these ugly emotions.
I'm afraid of so many things, and I am so tired.
Sometimes i question if i have a right to be unhappy. I do know of people who probably have a lot more on their back compared to myself, yet I act as if the world owes me. I don't like how I am that way. Why can't I be stronger?
I feel worse when people ask me if I'm alright, because i fear that i may seem like one of those girls who seek attention, saying "I woke up this morning crying" on their Twitter and all. I am thankful you asked.
But do you really mean it? Are you just saying it for the sake of it?
Forgive me for being rude and unreasonable for the concern you give. But I don't know anymore.
I don't want you to pity me. I DON'T NEED YOU TO PITY ME.
I am not a child, I do not need you to smile at me and offer your hand. Who do you think you are?
Don't give me empty promises. Don't give me false hope. Don't say you'll help me if you can't.
I'd rather you tell me straight that you can't, you shan't, and you won't, instead of being unintentionally cruel and giving me hope. You mean well, I know. Don't say you'll help me, and leave me to wait for you to get back to me until you remember because all that i get is crushed bits of the useless hope i had held onto earlier. Why don't you be honest? I don't mind if you hurt me by being honest because i can move on.
More than being assured, I need to move on.
But right now I just want to be alone. Being around people is so tiring. I end up having to worry about what you think. I want to be there for you as much as you are there for me. But what i say and what i think have become two different entities. I don't want to give you my false front. I don't want to smile when I'm not happy. I'm so tired.
I don't want to go to school. All I want to do now is to stay in my room, stay in bed, and watch the world move from there. I feel so much safer and calmer there. The only day when my mood was better was Friday because I couldn't wait to get away from people.
When I'm out there I feel so vulnerable. I hold back from wanting to run away and cry because I don't want to look stupid in front of others. And i know if i cried people would worry - why should i be the one to add on to their worries? I do know, because last week i was too weak and i let loose during practice. I had been dealt a small blow from the teachers in charge emotionally and it was all i could do to force up a smile, apologise for my shortcoming and get away as soon as possible.
Get away? Yes i want to get away, far from here. Far from everyone i know. Far from civilisation. I hate being human. To be human is to feel and to love. Humans need other humans, giving rise to community. But we hurt each other too. I don't want to hurt anyone, and no one likes to be hurt.
I'm not strong. I can't hide my weaknesses. I must have looked pathetic. When my section mates asked if i was okay I couldn't suppress those stupid, stupid emotions anymore. I said I was okay and forced up a smile but it was too late. I'm not okay.
I've been hearing "Are you okay?" and "You look sad" way more times than ever these few weeks. And it's telling me something. I need to be stronger. If i was stronger i wouldn't have people possibly worrying and trying to offer me help they can't give. I wouldn't be so weak, faltering easily.
I don't like how I am. I have ugly feelings, ugly thoughts. I am slowly becoming a fake. All my fears are culminating into some weak defence that repels people more and more from me.
Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Leave me alone if you don't actually bother.
I'm so terribly sorry bloggiee I haven't been writing in my own diary too actually. I'm either too tired, too uninspired or just too stoned.
A lot has happened all this time I was inactive on my blog, but I won't bore you or myself out by recounting EVERYYTHINGGGGG that happened because my life is just so ordinary and uninteresting. To sum up, I feel like my life is in a whirl at the moment, like I'm on a slow carousel ride feeling all nauseous and blinded by lights everywhere. I can't wait to leap off this ride, take a break and try some other ride of life.
When I think of my life now, the first thing that pops in my head is
SCHOOL.
Which is so so so so so sad. Not family, or religion, or even mushy romance but
SCHOOL.
I must be pretty screwed up now don't you think. Sure, I love school for my friends and all but then again I confess I always badly want to get away and be alone by myself somewhere else. I believe some distance is necessary.
Right now all I want to do is to eat a whole tub of ice cream by myself, watch some movies and just not care about anything else. I want to live the pig life (even though Dawn is trying to get me to slim down for Prom this year. I told her i can turn up in a pig costume or spacesuit if I'm too fat to look good in dresses and she was like NO WE'VE GOTTA LOOK FAB FOR PROM)
Music and sleep has been my escape so far. Lately I've been addicted to Memory from the musical Cats.
Memory, turn your face to the moonlight
Letyour memory lead you
Open up enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin
Memory,
all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Anotherday is dawning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Sunlight through the trees in the summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading
Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun
I want to watch Cats the Musical someday :)) I love musicals, and I love theatre so so so so much. Just sitting in a theatre alone is enough to keep me happy at the suspense. Another musical song stuck in my head is Point of No Return from Phantom of the Opera.
I have Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber to sincerely thank for his amazing compositions for Cats and POTO, and esp POTO because every musical number in it is just flawless and epic!
The contrast between the two aren't stark, yet they aren't fuzzy. It's just plain. Plain black and white.
It's not compulsive or comfortable - it's straightforward and simple.
Sometimes I wish life could be that way, without it's hassles and trifles, kinks and knots. I often read about utopian societies, like in The Giver (the movie's coming out soon!), and sometimes wish that life could be organized that way. There would be no fear of wrong choices - there would hardly ever be choices even. There would be safety and contentment in the classy simplicity offered. There would be no pain, or no knowledge of pain even if there was.
Yet people want more out of life, and I understand that too. They develop healthy appetites for the new and unknown, the colourful and unpredictable, the ups and downs, gaining breathless satisfaction and developing yet another voracious appetite for more adventure and experiment.
But I'm so tired of having to make choices and fear for the consequence behind the door I choose.
I'm sick of worrying about what to do and not to do because everything and anything can be done - the possibilities countless, the risks endless.
As tragic and cruel as it sounds, a predetermined path sometimes seems more inviting than an unpredictable one. I could wake up each morning without that uneasy lurch in my gut from being already overwhelmed by the day that lies ahead as I regain my senses. I could go about my activities without having to unnecessarily wonder if my actions convey the wrong message and illicit some juicy unfavourable gossip behind my back. I could go to bed without another fuck given worrying about the time I lost, and what lies in future for me.
The pain from all the complexity and colour blaring in your face leaves me so disorientated and demoralized. I like the peaceful feeling I get from looking at black and white images, defining timeless features, showing simple gradients and still leaving some pockets and spaces of white for some rest.
I want my life to be as simple and content as could be to a great extent, though I still have a taste for the unique and different.
For now, at least.
There would probably come a time when I decide otherwise and delve into the colours instead.
Anw! Here's one of Foxes latest song that I like! You may recognise Foxes from Zedd's Clarity - I love most of her songs like Echo and White Coats!
Let Go For Tonight
by Foxes
Fell from the sky We fell from the sky and started walking Leavin' our footprints on the ground
It might be a prayer Or maybe a piece of conversation Wherever we go we make a sound
So I call your name, the only thing I know Is I need you here, will you be gone forever? All that I know, all that I know is we're here tonight Turn off the lights
Let go for tonight baby Let love in your life and be shown (turn off the lights) Let go for tonight baby, who needs sleep tonight? I need to let go, let go Let go, let go, turn off the lights Let love in your life baby, who needs sleep tonight?
I wanna drive I wanna drive into the open Lookin' for reasons I can't find
So I call your name, the only thing I know Is I need you here, will you be gone forever? All that I know, all that I know is we're here tonight Turn off the lights
Let go for tonight baby Let love in your life and be shown (turn off the lights) Let go for tonight baby, who needs sleep tonight? I need to let go, let go Let go, let go, turn off the lights Let love in your life baby, who needs sleep tonight?
I need to let go, let go Let go, let go I need to let go, let go Before we're gone, gone, gone
So I call your name, the only thing I know Is I need you here, will you be gone forever? All that I know, all that I know Is I need you here, will you be gone forever?
What do you want? I need you here, will you be gone forever? All that I know, all that I know Is we're here tonight Turn off the lights
Let go for tonight baby Let love in your life and be shown (turn off the lights) Let go for tonight baby, who needs sleep tonight? I need to let go, let go Let go, let go, turn off the lights Let love in your life baby, who needs sleep tonight?
I need to let go, let go Let go, let go I need to let go, let go
Fell from the sky We fell from the sky and started walking Leavin' our footprints on the ground
but awwws it was fun too, all thanks to Phin, the other EXCOs, gamemasters and the sporting J1s! I'm kinda lazy to write too much about the camp so I'm just gonna dump a few selfies in here haha.
UNIVOX DURING THE DAY GAMES!
UNIVOX AFTER CAMP!
UNIVOX J1 GIRLSSS
Burden Bernard the President (Trying to make his eyes bigger but to no avail)
SUSHIIIIIIIIII
Sarah and Anisah!!!
Gamemasters for one of the night games with Queen Juliana + Ryan joining in for a selfie
BP-VJ GIRLS!!! Vernice, Yeexin, yours truly and Yingliao! So glad ya'll joined Guitar :')
The new Guitar tee looks awesome too doesn't it!!! Boston designed the front while I did the back...I realised I don't have a pic of the back hurhurhur...
The night before camp, my sister suggested I make dinner cos' she was craving the pasta I made for her and dad the other night when mom was away. Mom decided to help too and make a meat dish while I made the pasta and appetiser!
Appetiser: Caprese (Mozarella cheese + tomatoes) I learnt this during my working stint in the kitchen at Cacio e Pepe!
Mom's grilled shabu-shabu with salad!
Pasta: Tagliatelle with pesto sauce, diced tomatoes and mushrooms!
Dinner is served!
I love cooking, esp Italian dishes. Pasta is my favourite food and I could eat it forever if I had to eat only one food in my life :DDDD
Hahaha sorry I just wanted to flaunt the food I made cos they look so good (shameless much!) AND THEY TASTE GOOD TOO AHAHAHA
So today (FULL DAYYYYYYY! Thank you seniors for this holiday *grateful*) i spent time with some of the guitar people at Gardens by the Bay!:)
It was so fun, just sitting around like hobos, waving to tourists driving by in tour buggies, eating junk food, singing along as someone played the guitar (a given, since we're guitar ensemble!), playing frisbee and truth or dare. I'm so thankful we had plenty of juniors who turned up. I really want the senior and junior ensemble to bond and be really close, because my batch and the batch before weren't and that is kinda sad.
I tell my juniors: "Remember to bond with your juniors next year okay!"
I believe it's a cycle - the 2012 batch were really close to their own seniors in the 2011 batch, but they aren't close to us. Our juniors now are close to us, but i fear that like our seniors, they'd neglect the poor 2015 batch. A cycle. A caged dynamic. (Uh oh time to move on before i delve into Waterland and Godot)
Adorbs Queen "Jubes" Juliana!
And the game of frisbee starts
Yenwen looks like she's being bullied here but she still looks so adorable <3
Pardon my burden finger at the corner hehs. These lazy people who initially didn't wanna play frisbee!
Squeezing for a shot! Sorry Janice your half-open eyes still looks good :D
Frowning cos WHAT IS ANISAH DOING THERE. Haha she was prepping the fish-eye lenses
Some awesome photography featuring Anisah's legs
Lying down under a big fake tree like 21st century hipster hobos
I swear my juniors are so adorable.
Haha i had fun, but i was sad to see some of the group leave halfway for their own individual programmes. The remaining few of us went to dinner (Ryan, Thanh, Bach, Christine, Janice, Hanny and me!) at Bishan Subway. Bishan cos they were so nice to eat where it was convenient for me to get home from!
I hope we have more of such outings in future with MORE JUNIORS (MORE ADORBS)!
Also, today i saw the photo that i mentioned i would never post in the last blog entry. Sigh. I still get mixed feelings. Inside i'm fangirling but i also feel kinda sad. I'M OVER IT.If i'm not over it i will get over it soon. I can't help but feel like a girl who got rejected but i'm not, because nothing even happened.
In my head the song i have for this is the one that Park Shin Hye's character sung after she got rejected by Jung Yong Hwa - I Will Forget You.
